You’re not good for me! How to avoid the wrong choice and make the right one.
Finding the right person in love can be exhilarating or exhausting. As time marches on, sometimes our goal is less on the right person and more on any person. When we are focused on avoiding loneliness over finding compatibility we can make mistakes. Mistakes in love are our learning life lessons. We fall madly in love during adolescence (that wonderful, addictive all or nothing passion and crush feeling), we attempt adult love, ( trying monogamy, long term relationships, living together, marriage) and through the breakdowns and break ups we should start to find out what we really need and are looking for in love. Most of us have had that one love that is hard to forget, even if they were so wrong for us and that opposite love that made us feel invincible. Wherever you are in your love journey, finding the balance, passion, respect and commitment can be elusive. When we can’t seem to find that right person, we are vulnerable to dropping our values and settling for less than we deserve. I’m not saying we should have unrealistic standards (ridiculous lists of never ending ‘must haves,’ that no-one could possibly meet), but having some idea of what makes you a better person in love, is a good starting point to find someone who adds to your life.
Before we have a quick look at what we should be searching for, to find a healthy, happy love in life, let’s review the types of people that can bring you the opposite to what you need.
5 unhealthy types that you might like to avoid.
This is a person who likes to be in a relationship with you or will profess they love you because you have assets like a car, your own apartment or home, lots of money, fame or social connections. They may be interested in being with you to get close to your family, friends or social network. This type of person is easy to spot. They are often bored and restless in your company and light up when they are around others. They are quick to start asking favours but rarely offer you the same courtesy. They make themselves at home with your lifestyle too quickly, (basically move in without being asked). They disrespect you and your belongings. You may notice borrowing becomes an issue. They borrow money and never pay you back. Borrow your clothes, property, and never give it back. Or, they return it damaged. They may even let other people use/wear your belongings, without asking you first. When you ask them to contribute, turn down an evening with the people they admire, don’t give them access to your lifestyle and stop lending them your things, they become angry and offended. They may call you selfish and unreasonable. They may use the ‘you don’t love me’ card. Whatever it is, someone with these kind of behaviours is probably with you for what they get rather than how they can add to your life.
This person starts of being amazing. They are always texting and calling, want to be with you all the time. In fact, it feels like they are too good to be true. That’s because they are. The wonderful attention turns very quickly into controlling behaviour. When you don’t answer the text immediately or delay returning a call those sweet little communications became obsessive messages increasingly becoming rude, aggressive and angry. When you want to spend time with friends and family, they create a drama or fight, spoiling your time away from them or making you feel so guilty you don’t go. When you cancel time with them because work or other commitments arise, they move into a punishing behaviour, like not returning your text or calls, or becoming irrationally moody and emotionally abusive. These people are highly jealous and suspicious of any absence from them. They start to advice you on how you should look, who should be your friends and what to spend your money on. The Controller is not too far away from The Abuser. This type of person wants to control their partner in order to feel powerful, not because they want to add to your life.
No matter what the evidence, this person has a great excuse for what they have done. They lie by omission. They lie straight up. They have unbelievable explanations to things you discover that they expect you to believe. They are secretive about who they are with, where they are and are often not with and where they told you anyway. They hide their phone. You might feel paranoid, insane and start acting like a possessive mad person trying to catch them out in their lie. They will accuse you of being paranoid, insane and possessive when you catch them out. Even when you know 1+1 does not equal 2 with their stories, they are so convincing you doubt your own rational judgement. They are still on tinder because it was an old account. That boy/girl texting at midnight is just a friend. They got home at 5 in the morning because they couldn’t get an Uber. Your friends are lying when they tell you they were seen with someone else. They lie about small things and big things. The truth for them is a flexible option they use as long as it doesn’t interfere with what they want to do and with whom. The relationship is cluttered with constant lies to deflect, distract and confuse you. This person is more focused on playing games and the thrill of getting away with their behaviour than adding to your life.
This person never wants to grow up. They shun responsibility. The struggle to hold down a job. Hold everyone else responsible for their issues and failures. They have struggled to save money, manage their life, pay off debts and stick with things when times get tough. They want you to care for them, look after them and be a provider for them. If you don’t organise everything, nothing gets done. They rarely think about what you need. From leaving their stuff everywhere for you to clean up, to never offering to pay for meals or a night out, these people treat you more like an ever-forgiving parent than a partner. When you ask them to take some responsibility (plan a night out, pick up the laundry, walk the dog) they forget, can’t do it or become passive-aggressive and start a sulky argument so you end up doing it yourself because it is just damn well easier. They are prone to little tantrums, don’t listen to your advice on how to get their life together and expect you to solve and fix all the issues they constantly find themselves in. This person wants to be babied because they are too lazy and irresponsible to take on adulthood rather than add to your life.
Abusive people never start off showing their true colours, those dark shades slowly appear as the person becomes more and more comfortable that you are falling in love with them. They turn from charming to abusive, bit by bit, waiting until you are very emotionally invested before the attacks begin. The abuse can be emotionally (mocking your feelings, negating how you feel, making fun of you, withdrawing attention, turning their affection on and off depending if you have behaved in the way they want, not inviting you to events), psychological (name calling, bullying, insulting, threatening, isolating you, swearing at you, making you feel irrational, paranoid, mentally unstable, afraid), physical (attacking, hitting, punching, throwing things at you, punching or destroying objects around you, physically challenging and intimidating you, restraining you) and sexually (forcing you to commit sexual acts against your will, coercing you into sexual acts, participating or viewing sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or against your will). These people are dangerous and extremely uhealthy to become involved with, in any type of relationship. They are orientated towards sadistic power and are threatened by any demonstration of healthy autonomy, independence and emotional maturity. Abusive people use you to make themselves feel powerful and sate a need to cause pain rather than add to your life.
So, now we know the types of people to avoid when looking for your ideal partner, here are some characteristics and behaviours to look for, and like most positive and rewarding things in life, it is a pretty simple list.
The Right One.
A person that can add value (happiness, growth, safety and security) means;
- They treat you with equality and share responsibility (financial, workload, organising, planning etc)
- They demonstrate honesty, (say what they mean, and do as they say, are not secretive and have an open communication with you).
- They ensure you feel physically, sexually, psychologically and emotionally safe, (show respect, fairness, own their emotions, apologise and admit when they are wrong, seek help when they are not coping).
- They demonstrate respect for who you are, what is important to you and your beliefs and opinions, (show an interest in your life before you met and take steps to understanding your point of view and share and support what is important to you).
- They encourage you to have your own interests, independence and friendships, ( fit in with your friends, enjoy their company, connect with your family and want you to spend time with them, and encourage you to do the same with their family and friends).
- They can laugh at the silly mistakes and issues in life to ease the seriousness when needed. They can laugh at themselves and enjoy humour, (know when to smile, how to make you see what is important and what isn’t, and be prepared to see humour in their own behaviour).
Most of all, choose people who help you grow into a better person. It might mean you have to try a few times, before you find what you are looking for, but it will be worth it!