Seeing a personal coach means that your grey matter is going to be challenged to re-wire and draw on unused mental potential. It takes energy to develop self-awareness, insight and adapt so, to help you on your way, here are some natural brain boosters that you can incorporate into your diet. If you're very eager, why not include these in your weekly diet for a month and measure if you recognise any improvement. (Don't forget, for optimum results reduce brain numbing products like alcohol and sweets.)

  1. Fatty Fish/ Oily Fish

I think we all know about Omega's by now, but they are still one of the best fatty acids we can consume, given the brain is composed of 60% fats. Fatty fish is a brilliant source of Omega-3 fatty acids and as a building block to the brain, essential in high performance thinking. Research has indicted that Omega-3 and Omega-6 can statistically significantly improve restlessness, aggressiveness, the ability to stay on task (completing work) and academic performance in children with ADHD. It is a natural focus enhancer. The essential fatty acids vital for brain function that are found in fish oil, can not only slow cognitive decline, but can help prevent brain atrophy in older adults, particularly important in treating Alzheimer's. For those suffering anxiety and depression, some research has indicated taking fish oil in childhood may prevent you from developing anxiety or depression later in life. All up fatty fish is a must for brain performance and cognitive longevity.

  1. Pumpkin seeds

An acquired taste for some, Pumpkin seeds are rich in many micronutrients that are important for brain function, including copper, iron, magnesium and zinc. Instead of taking a tablet for each of these, a handful of pumpkin seeds scattered over a meal (try salads) and as a snack allows you to consume all these micronutrients in one go. Like with fatty fish oils and Omega 3 and 6, pumpkin seeds are known for their role in improving mental health, aiding memory and supporting healthy brain development. The benefits of pumpkin seeds go well beyond just Omegas. They contain a high amount of magnesium, which has a calming effect on the brain. A good stress relief option.

  1. Blueberries

Blueberries are packed with antioxidants that may delay brain aging and improve memory. Eating blueberries has been suggested to improve thinking and memory skills. In times of tackling new tasks and absorbing novel information, blueberries are a great option to increase cognitive performance and recall. It is another preventative nutrient. According to animal research in 2006, blueberries help protect the brain from oxidative stress and may reduce the effects of age-related conditions such as Alzheimer's disease or dementia.

  1. Turmeric

Who would have thought this brilliant yellow powder could be so beneficial? Turmeric and its active compound curcumin, has strong anti-inflammatory and antioxidant benefits, which help in brain development. Primarily Turmeric is thought to improve the working memory and attention spans. There has been discussion and research on Turmeric's ability to regenerate brain cells. As the spice that gives curry its yellow colour, Turmeric has been used in India for thousands of years as a spice and medicinal herb.

  1. Broccoli

Broccoli, the little trees of vegetables, contains several compounds that have powerful antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects and helps in brain development. Broccoli is a source of two crucial nutrients that help improve brain function. Vitamin K helps to strengthen cognitive abilities while Choline has been found to improve memory. Research has indicated people who eat plenty of broccoli perform better on memory tests.

So, there you have it. Five easily available foods and spices that are believed to enhance your brain performance and increase attention spans and memory. They also are believed to be preventative for cognitive decline and anxiety, as well as offering stress support.

Given all the benefits, why wouldn't you include these options into your weekly diet and give yourself the optimum chance of a healthy, high performing brain now and as you grow wiser.

To test your memory and speed in decision making, this website has easy timed games that are a simple way of testing your skills http://www.memozor.com/memory-game-online-free/for-adults/easy-memory/shapes.

If you have success. share your story on my Instagram or facebook or write to me direct on the contact page.

You could also try this recipe for a start.

Achari broccoli and pumpkin

To make this an all-round brain booster, toss in some pumpkin seeds. Select an omega rich fish and add to the curry cooked or on the side. Serve with fresh blueberries for desert (can't go past indulging in a slow cooked blueberry and lime cheesecake).

Ingredients
Serves: 4

  • 100g broccoli
  • oil as needed
  • 1/4 teaspoon jeera seeds
  • 1/4 teaspoon fenugreek seeds
  • 1/4 teaspoon onion seeds
  • 1/4 teaspoon rai (brown mustard seed)
  • 2 red chillies, chopped
  • 2 onions, finely chopped
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
  • 100g pumpkin - peeled, seeded and chopped
  • 60ml water
  • 1/4 teaspoon sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon red chilli powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon amchoor powder
  • 1 tomato, seeded and finely chopped
  • salt to taste

Method
Prep:10min › Cook:20min › Ready in:30min

  1. Boil 2 cups of water with 1/2 teaspoon salt, add the broccoli and cook until it is tender. Remove and let it cool.
  2. In a wok or pan heat oil and add jeera, fenugreek seeds, onion seeds, rai and red chilli. Let it fry for 1 minute; after that add onion. Saute onion till it changes to light brown.
  3. Add the turmeric, salt, coriander and pumpkin. Add 60ml of water and cook it on low flame until the pumpkin becomes tender, about 10 minutes. Pumpkin should become tender but retain its shape.
  4. Stir in the broccoli and sprinkle some sugar, red chilli powder and amchoor powder. Stir in the tomatoes; season to taste with salt.

(full recipe on http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/22773/achari-broccoli-and-pumpkin.aspx)

 

Reference links:
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/11-brain-foods#section5
https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/10-foods-boost-your-brainpower
https://draxe.com/15-brain-foods-to-boost-focus-and-memory/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21756/20-foods-to-naturally-increase-your-brain-power.html

It is everywhere. The need to tell it how it is. Voice your opinion. Critic what you see and hear. Express ourselves, in every way we can. Social media and reality T.V has unleashed a storm of self opinionated chatter on to the world. Everywhere you go, we are all busy tapping away on our keyboards or starring down a camera lens, espousing our commentary and putting our two cents worth of straight talking out into the public domain. But have we gone too far? When does a bit of healthy and honest straight talking become plain rudeness? And when does plain rudeness merge into narcissism? Is there a difference?

In a word, yes. And that word is intent.

The ‘why’ we are giving it to someone straight, is the difference between strength of character and lack of character. Take the recent viewing catastrophe, Married at First Sight. A participant of the show, demonstrating significant personality pathology, used the phrase, ‘I’m just being honest,’ as a get out of jail free card, for saying absolutely anything they wanted and deliberately hurting and manipulating other contestants. At no point did that person display any honesty, integrity or fairness. In their world, honesty meant lie, manipulate, cause harm and cheat. What was concerning was they appeared ignorant of the fact their version of righteous honesty was, in reality, rude and narcissistically orientated. (To be fair, they were not the only contestant displaying similar pathology and this kind of unwellness paraded into our lives as normal, has far reaching and disturbing consequences, but I’ll save that for another day.)

Actually, it is not okay to say anything you want, how you want and when you want. Being straightforward and direct is very different from the malicious way ‘honesty,’ is being portrayed and manipulated on that and many other reality shows and social media. And very different from the way narcissistic validation is creeping into our day to day psyche, when conversing with others.

Straight talking by definition, means to talk in an honest and direct way. Straight refers to staying on a direct course of action or method and talking means to use words or sounds to communicate. It is not a new phrase, first appearing in the English language some 200 years ago, but it is a phrase that has taken on new meaning in today’s world. Somehow straight talking has morphed into a presumption that you can be emotionally abusive. In the social media/reality T.V world where definitions blur and transform on a daily basis, this type of distorted straight talking is espoused as highly rewarded. Clicks, likes and followers determine how we deliver opinion and shape the style we do it in. But we need to be careful what we will tolerate and encourage as straight talking. Are we straight talking or are we giving ourselves (and inspiring others), to express opinions no matter how offensive they may be or how dysfunctional the intent is? Are high ratings and large followings, for narcissistic behaviours masked as straight talking, twisting our perception of honesty?

There is nothing wrong with a little honesty when delivered well and with integrity. In general, most of us admire a person who has the confidence to share their opinions, have a point of view and stand up for their beliefs. Even if it challenges us or makes us a little uncomfortable. We value integrity and directness in ourselves and desire it from others. In fact, we expect it in some lines of profession, like with psychologists, coaches, lawyers, governments and our workplace management. Where we need fairness, justice and supervision, straight talking is essential, otherwise we would lose faith, and have done, in many of our social systems.

Unfortunately, with very little self-editing and insight, sometimes, straight talking is being used to allow us to be rude and offensive. The ‘I’m allowed to express my opinion’ mentality isn’t actually a free for all to say whatever you like, however you like, under the guise of ‘just being honest’. Being honest has become a justification for being cruel and nasty. In social media and reality T.V, offensiveness and thinly veiled insults are masquerading as straight talking. It can be confusing. On one hand we are encouraging each other to be up front and honest and on the other hand the same characteristics can become a free for all, without any emotional governance.

Honesty is integral to straight talking. If you are not being honest with yourself then you are not being honest with anyone else. Being straightforward is a positive attribute. It signals many wonderful characteristics such as sincerity, truthfulness and loyalty. But being a straight talker also means you will, at times, create discomfort and that is why your delivery needs to be mindful of the person you’re interacting with. When you fail to consider how someone will receive your direct approach, the outcome is far less successful. When you use straight talking to cover up attempts to be harmful, untrue or excessively critical then all you have done is demonstrate rudeness.

So, how do we know if we are being rude or straight talking?

There is always a need to be balanced in all that we do. Being too honest can create the reverse to your motivation for straight talking. Rudeness. Blunt, unedited honesty appears as a negative, particularly when you express your view without having been asked for it in the first place. When we are rude, our motivation is not to share opinion but to hurt someone. Intent defines the distinction. To start with, while straight talking is about delivering an honest, if not direct, message, rudeness is focused on being offensive, impolite and bad mannered. There is no grace in being rude. There is no respect or manners in being rude. When we hide behind, ‘I was just telling the truth,’ as we attack someone with false honesty, we are kidding ourselves. And the person we have offended knows it.

More and more, people use straight talking to express anger, hatred, jealousy and dysfunction. Just in case anyone is unaware, this is not healthy and not a sign of emotional maturity, mental stability or self-awareness. There is no admiration in someone using straight talking to be mean and cruel or to excuse inexcusable behaviour. Straight talking is not, in anyway, supposed to be rude. The same as narcissistic verballing is not merely expressing an opinion.

Then what is the difference between being rude and narcissistic?

The divide that separates rude and narcissistic commentary is pretty clear. Rudeness is ignorant and clumsy. It is used when you feel inadequate or challenged and do not have the vocabulary, evidence or maturity to respond to something said. The intent, in being rude is defensiveness. Narcissism is rudeness on steroids. It is calculated, well thought out and the intent is to emotionally maim.

Vaknin describes this difference succinctly. “The narcissist's favourite sadistic cocktail is brutal honesty coupled with "helpful advice" and "concern" for the welfare of the person attacked. The narcissist blurts out - often unprovoked - hurtful observations. These statements are invariably couched in a socially impeccable context. For instance, "Do you know you have a bad breath? You will be much more popular if you treated it", "You are really too fat, you should take care of yourself, you are not young, you know, who knows what this is doing to your heart", "These clothes do not complement you. Let me give you the name of my tailor...", "You are behaving very strangely lately, I think that talk therapy combined with medication may do wonders", and so on.”

Or as demonstrated on MAFS and the like, where brutal honesty (phrased as straight talking) is used to excuse hurting others knowingly. The shocking statements, ‘I tried to sleep with your new husband/pretended to be your friend/told lies to others because I have to be honest with myself,’ is a prime example of narcissistic justification. Straight talking, used in this way, is nothing to do with honesty and integrity but about humiliating and denigrating others for our own self-absorbed, dysfunctional and selfish means.

So, I’ll give it to you straight.

Next time you feel the need to tell someone straight or are asked an opinion, remember your intent is everything. Why are you needing to say what you are about to say? Is it to help, improve or clarify? Or is it to justify, hurt or manipulate? The delivery of your message is also important. Be honest, but empathic. Be open, but considerate. Think about the words you are choosing and the response you wish to get. Ask yourself if being upfront is about helping or hurting another person. Take a minute to check, are you being a straight talker, rude or narcissistic?

If you don’t know, then maybe say nothing until you do. Silence, like honesty, is also an admirable quality.

Reference : Sam Vaknin author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited

Tara Harris is an emerging artist that has followed her artistic dream between working hard helping others and learning her craft. Her sculpture pieces are exhibited and create mood, form and intrigue. Primitive, coral, bone and movement are words that describe, for me, her latest work. Follow her on Instagram to keep up to date on her latest pieces.

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Heidi Rogers is my guest writer this month, exploring emotions and understanding how and why we feel.

Anxiety 101

Understanding exactly how your brain works is fundamental to unlocking your anxiety, trauma and stress responses. This includes everything from PTSD and panic attacks, to phobias and mild anxiety that we may feel from time to time.

So how does your brain work? In a nutshell, sensory input arrives at part of your brain called the thalamus, which relays the information to your amygdala (aka: ‘lizard brain’) and your cortex (aka: ‘monkey brain’).

The History of Anxiety

Anxiety is a normal, helpful emotion that is designed to keep us safe. It helps us take notice, become aware, and tune in: something doesn’t feel safe – emotionally or physically, and our brain is trying to let us know.

Going to do a public speaking event and feel butterflies in your stomach / tightness in your chest? That’s because historically, millions of years ago, if you were surrounded by 100 pairs of eyeballs looking at JUST you, that would mean you were about to be dinner!

Increased heart rate, muscle tightness and thoughts like “Get outta here! Don’t do it!” is your brain’s way of telling you that you’re walking into an unsafe situation. It starts preparing to fight, or run away. Millions of years ago being stared at by 100 eyeballs meant death, but in the 21st century that isn’t the case. Our brain is still operating on some old wiring and old lessons learnt.

Our anxiety becomes unhelpful when it controls us, dictates our life and prohibits us from doing the things we want: public speaking, flying, driving, or attending social functions, for example.

Understanding the core of anxiety – fear and safety – is crucial in disconnecting the power it has over our lives. But first we have to understand exactly what we’re feeling afraid or unsafe about, then we can start to unpack our anxiety and bring a sense of safety back into the body.

Fight, Flight, Freeze

Anxiety can be the precursor to the ‘fight / flight / freeze’ response, which is the most basic way our brain knows of how to keep us safe. But it can sometimes operate in subtle ways.

This response is why we sometimes feel like “I really need to get out of here” when our anxiety peaks. It can also make us feel paralyzed when conflict, anxiety, trauma or overwhelming emotions arise, or drive us to lash out physically or verbally in response to those stimuli.

Understanding the brain’s relationship with anxiety: The amygdala and the cortex

The amygdala is a small almond-shaped part of the brain that drives the ‘fight / flight / freeze’ response and can generate a lot of physical responses – dilated pupils, increased heart rate, breathing capacity, tightness in muscles etc. It is responsible for getting you moving if danger strikes.

It is named for its almond shape – the direct translation of ‘amygdala’ in Greek is actually “almonds”. If you find the intersection of the points that run through your eye and through your ear, that’s where the amygdala sits.

It’s important to know what it’s called and where it sits, because part of learning how to master anxiety is to understand that it’s not “me” or “my fault”, nor is it a lack of sheer “willpower” keeping you from conquering it.

When people say “you’re not even trying to improve your anxiety”, it’s sort of like saying “you should spend more effort on using your liver or kidneys better.”

It’s not that simple and having anxiety is not a choice. Why would anyone actively choose to feel scared, worried or have a racing heart all the time?

This explains why in some instances medication can be incredibly helpful in managing anxiety, particularly while you learn other skills in therapy and begin discovering the areas where you DO have a choice and can regain control.

The cortex is the thinking part of the brain, where our analysis and reasoning takes place. It’s where we obsessively ruminate about things, worry, or analyse conversations over and over. It is the ‘logical’ part of the brain that can look at things rationally and less emotionally.

The cortex may be the more evolved or the ‘monkey’ part of the brain, but that doesn’t mean it’s in charge. When big stress or anxiety hits, the amygdala runs the show because its purpose is to keep us safe.

It makes sense if you think about it. Where safety is concerned, we can’t afford to take the time to process things or analyse them rationally.

Touch a pan on the stove that you didn’t realize was hot, or see a stick on the ground and jump back because you thought it was a snake — those actions are not guided by the cortex. If the cortex was in charge we would burn our hand or get bitten by a snake because the reaction time would be too long for the cortex to process the decision.

The only problem? Your amygdala is in the driver’s seat initially when anxiety hits….and NOT your cortex! The amygdala can easily hijack your brain because it’s centrally located, and has more connections throughout the brain than your cortex.

When you jump out of the way to avoid being hit by a car, or flinch when something startles you, that response is your amygdala in action. It’s where fear lives and specific memories and data lie (the smells, sounds and sights that we experienced during a stressful situation).

Why is this important to know?

The amygdala helps you avoid danger, but acts without consulting you (tapping into the cortex)! Which is why having anxiety is not a choice. It is the brain responding to stimuli. The choice part comes into it when we start to choose how we calm the amygdala and re-train our brain. THIS is the secret to destroying the power of anxiety.

The ‘untreated’ anxiety

Here is the kicker: the number one issue is that most people only treat cortex-based anxiety and ignore amygdala-based anxiety.

For example, during a panic attack, people will only try to talk themselves out of it, or reassure themselves through thoughts (a function of the cortex).

Or when someone is triggered by a stressful memory or flashback, or feels a panic attack coming, they might try to remind themselves they are safe and not in danger (the cortex at work again).

However, the amygdala is driving the panic attack, not the cortex. So ‘speaking’ to the amygdala in cortex language (reasoned thought) is not quickly effective.

We need to calm our amygdala with language it understands. Being our lizard brain means it needs super basic instruction and techniques to achieve this goal.

After you calm the amygdala, then you can use cortex-based strategies like re-framing your thoughts, asking yourself if your anxious thoughts are based on fear or truth, or make a list of alternative thoughts that can quiet the automatic thoughts.

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So… how do you calm your amygdala?

In short, belly-breathing (not “deep” breathing! Google: diaphragmatic breathing to find out how), is the quickest option. Once you’ve calmed your amygdala, then you can bring the cortex in and begin telling yourself calming thoughts of reassurance.

But this is the key: you must FIRST do the belly-breathing to calm amygdala down.

Once amygdala is calmer, the cortex will come back online and you can begin rationalising and using logical thought to diffuse the situation.

My favourite ways to re-train the amygdala, navigate a panic attack (and / or lessen the frequency of anxiety) are via techniques that reduce amygdala activation.

  1. Belly breathing – breathe slowly and push out your belly button on the inhale. Count the inhale to five, then exhale slowly while counting to five again. While exhaling, try to push your belly button out. It may seem weird and kind of simple, but by opening up your diaphragm a message is sent directly to your amygdala that everything is ok and your body is relaxed. We don’t breathe nice, slow relaxed breaths if we are being chased by a lion, right? This slow and deliberate breathing calms the amygdala into thinking it is relaxed and happy. This technique is the quickest way to calm your body during a panic attack and a non-negotiable first step to stopping the panic.
  2. Progressive muscle relaxation (‘tighten then release’) – start by tensing your toes, and then releasing. Slowly work your way up your body, tightening your muscles and then relaxing. Make sure to tighten your jaw and face muscles and release them. This should take about 15 minutes to slowly work through your entire body.
  3. Tension audit – ask yourself where you’re feeling tense and complete a slow scan of your body. Identify any trouble areas and focus on relaxing them, one-by-one.
  4. Imagery / visualisation – use your mind to visualize a cool and relaxing place. Some common visualisations that help include the beach, forest, space, mountains – anywhere that brings a feeling of calm. Close your eyes and explore your imagined environment, taking in the sights, sounds, smells and general feeling to enhance your sense of wellbeing.
  5. Meditation – this is a phenomenal practice that has many short-term and long-term benefits. Meditation won’t do much for you during a panic attack because it utilizes the cortex. But the purpose of meditation practice is that it structurally changes your amygdala over time, and reduces the activation that your amygdala experiences during stressful situations.

When learning how to meditate it’s encouraging to know that nobody starts out ‘good’ at it initially. It takes practice to learn how to quiet the mind!

My Favourite Resources on Anxiety and Meditation:

Books:

http://amzn.to/2pqh319

Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic and Worry by Catherine M Pittman

http://amzn.to/2HI4W6N

Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks by Barry McDonagh

http://amzn.to/2DAEs4X

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne

Apps:

Insight Timer (free) https://apple.co/2DBndR3

Smiling Mind (free) https://apple.co/2FUoDrL

Reach Out Worry Time (free) https://apple.co/2GEJh0d

Anxiety Release based on EMDR ($7.99) https://apple.co/2pm8QL6

Online:

My favourite person for guided meditations is Tara Brach: https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/.

YouTube:

Just type in “guided meditation”

“I don’t have enough time!”

This is one of the most common phrases I hear from clients. What, with managing work, relationships, homes and families, there just isn’t enough time in the day to get everything done. Let alone find precious hours to work towards new goals and implement changes for a happier life. It is an endless list, for some, on what needs to be done, can’t be done and what we would get done if only we had time. Our frustration targets time, as if it is actively working against us or somehow shrinking or running out. Why do we often feel like time works against us? To stop us from reaching our potential?

The reality is time is a construct that we can manipulate, expand and utilise, if we think about it differently. Time is our friend, as long as we respect it and use our time wisely. Having said that, knowing this is much harder than doing, isn’t it?

So why do we allow ourselves to idly let time drift by, when we could use it so much better?

Most time wasters are caught in a cross fire between a lack of self-discipline or control and unrelenting standards. On the one hand we are trying to avoid responsibility for our actions. We struggle to restrain ourselves from the more pleasurable, instantly gratifying, activities we enjoy. Some excellent time wasters like social media and watching any screen, are resources that may offer some fun, happiness and downtime, but if not restricted become vacuums for creativity and enablers of inaction. We can get lost in the comfort of mindlessness and although fine for brief periods of time, it can be highly addictive. Our own inability to be disciplined about what we do and how we do it, leads us down the path of losing minutes, hours and days of very valuable time. This, at the expense of personal fulfillment and achievement.

On the other hand, many of us have inbuilt, unrelenting standards that drive us to excessive worry and pressure to perform and achieve beyond that of normal expectations. On the surface, this drive can produce optimum performance at work and in our leisure life. If we look underneath excessive standards, maybe that high internal drive is more about fearing failure then seeking success. If so, then we struggle to take it easy, become negative and critical about what we are doing (‘it’s not good enough’), and start to focus on perfect instead of achievement. Worrying about the end result and sacrificing starting, is a time waster. Our preoccupation is about doing it right, rather than just getting in there and giving it a go.

Now, couple that anxiety about perfectionism based on unrealistic, unrelenting standards with lack of self-discipline and time becomes the enemy. There is not enough of it and even if there is, it is impossible to do it all perfectly anyway. If we can’t get it done perfectly then why bother trying and then we let our minds get preoccupied with other things that give immediate rewards, (jump back on that social media, start cleaning the bathroom again, turn the TV on).

Being time efficient is the ability to do things well, successfully, and without waste. Using time to get the best out of your life, work and relationships means you need to have some level of self-discipline, realistic standards and expectations of what you can achieve in every moment.

Think about your day.

Get a timetable and break that 24 hours into hours and then into minutes. How much time do you spend being productive and how much time is spent avoiding getting things done, that will make your life happier, more fulfilling and smoother?

Spend a week tracking what you actually do, and you will find hours and minutes that could be used to enhance your life and work towards your dreams.

Now if you could move those hours and minutes around, you might discover you have the equivalent of days in time, to start a new path forward. Imagine if you applied self-control and avoided perfectionistic standards, how much time would you have to get things done. How that feeling of accomplishment could lead to fulfillment.

Try it. It is an exercise I insist my time poor and time angry clients engage in. Changing our concept of time and how we can control it, is an important stage of self-growth. Rather than running after time waving our ‘not done list’ madly in the air, try to befriend the time that you have and be realistic about when and how you can use time efficiently. Aim for starting instead of finishing perfectly. Be disciplined with your downtime, it should only be used in short bursts to calm down, be distracted for a little while and enjoy life. Find the minutes and hours when you could start something and begin chipping away at your goals and dreams.

Well, I’ve run out of time and I have to go.

The spare hour I put aside to write this, before I checked on my 3 businesses, made breakfast, spent time with family and watched another episode of an old series, is done.

Okay, I’ll come back and edit this and maybe add or change some things, (I struggle with the unrelenting standards too), but I’ll work out when I have time to do it, arrange those minutes and hours in my day to make that time. And if not? Well, imperfect as it may be, this blog will be uploaded and shared.

That’s the way to do it.

Last month we were talking about self-care and self-compassion. My colleague put her hand up to write on the subject and did an excellent job. I bumped into her today as our working schedules crossed paths and we chatted some more. One thing we both recognised was, in writing articles on how to improve the quality of our lives and relationships, we noticed how our own ‘kindness radars’ had picked up on incidental acts of compassion around us. These accidental acknowledgments of how kind and thoughtful most people are, reminded us how good it feels to be aware of the positive actions of others always happening always around us. If you look for them. From her local florist’s heartfelt words as she sent flowers to a neighbour in need, to the warm thoughts of my team when I came down ill this week, it is important to take a moment to focus on the good stuff. To look after yourself and others.

Which brings me to what putting self-care into action looks like. Apparently, it doesn’t look like me when it comes to being ill.

A lurgy spread by a family member, (yes you know who you are), had me waking up on Thursday, dizzy and nauseas. Now, normally people recognise that they are very ill and that going to work is not an option. Not me. My mantra, ‘I am too busy to be ill,’ gripped my rational brain and refused to let go, as I got up and wobbled to the bathroom, sick and giddy, with all intentions to shower and get ready for a very hectic and very long day.

I was thinking of all the clients I needed to see. The paperwork I had to finish. The preparations for a new staff member I had to train the following day. Not only that, I had organised a meet and greet professional development for all my team and staff at a bar that evening, (Pizza and PD, you have to eat, after all). I was far too busy to be wallowing around, feeling sick.

So, this is what I did.

I rang my admin team and asked them to cancel the first client. (I was certain I would shake this annoying bug in an hour or so).

I rang again in an hour and said better cancel the next two clients as well. (My thinking was a short sleep, something to eat and I’d be back in gear).

Another few hours later, I realised I could probably go to work as long as the clients didn’t mind how distracted I would be watching the room spinning, or if I suddenly jumped up and ran to the bathroom, hand over my mouth in a desperate race to reach a sink. Yes, not going to happen.

At this point, I bit the bullet and called off the day, feeling guilty and irritated that I had let people down. I had to send an email to all at the PD event, saying I wasn’t going to make it, which was even more disappointing. It is like herding cats getting everyone together at the same time, on the same day.

As I lay on the couch, drinking tea and replying to text, emails and phone calls, (I worked out if I kept my head still I could work), I had a little epiphany moment, (or as my wonderful old friend calls them, a Disney moment).

What the hell was I doing?

I was sick as a dog and still working away. Seriously! Did I not just read all those articles on self-care and self-compassion? Where was my head, (well to be fair, it was spinning a little, but that’s no excuse)?

Self-care is about saying no when you are sick, even when your working ethic screams at you to get up and get going.

This is what I should have done.

Realised I was too sick to work and taken action. I should have called my admin (the ATeam as I like to name them), in the morning and cancelled the day, clients and PD evening. Instead of drip feeding the realisation Thursday was just not going to happen, it could have been managed all in one go. I could have gone to bed and slept, then I may have felt better instead of getting up and making another call to work and whoever else needed my time on that day every hour.

I could have allowed myself a sick day.

I could have turned my phone off.

I could have not opened my computer to check on emails and replied to them.

I could have not written and edited more of my book, or answered the phone, or replied to texts.

I should have snuggled under a blanket and watched a movie, caught up on a series I love, rested, drank tea and looked after myself.

Self-care is about noticing when you mistreat yourself and that includes putting unrealistic expectations on what you can or should be able to achieve, particularly when you are unwell. It is giving a little bit of nurture and love to yourself. Permission to say no I am unavailable, can’t make it, will need to reschedule.

None of which I did until it was blatantly obvious I could not even drive to work in the first place.

On Friday, I was a little better. I still went in to train the new employee, (yehhh, it might take a bit more time to implement the self-care all the time!). But instead of spending the day working and trying to catch up, I did the training and then packed up and came home. I cancelled an evening at the theatre (so annoying, I had been looking forward to it) because I was still not 100%, and then?

Then I did nothing but look after myself.

Like all of us, learning what is important is half the journey. Actually putting it into practice is the hard part. Yet, if I can do it, okay start to do it, then you can too.

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This month guest writer Heidi Rogers psychotherapist and counsellor, explores emotions.

We all feel emotion. It’s part of what makes us human.

Anger, sadness, fear, happiness and love are all emotions that almost every human has felt at some time of their lives.

But what are emotions, how do they differ from feelings, and why are they important?

Understanding the difference between emotions and feelings

While feelings and emotions are two sides of the same coin, they are distinctly different.

Understanding this can help you change unhealthy behaviours and find more happiness and peace in your life.

Dr.Sarah Mckay, neuroscientist and author of the Your Brain Health blog describes it in this way: "Emotions play out in the theatre of the body. Feelings play out in the theatre of the mind."

  • Emotions like fear, hatred and love trigger physical sensations in your body.
  • Feelings represent the mental experiences of your emotions, which your mind assigns meaning.

While emotions are temporary, the feelings they evoke may endure and accumulate over a lifetime.

It can be a perpetual cycle if no action is taken. Emotions cause unconscious feelings, which trigger new emotions that go on to produce more negative feelings… It can be quite exhausting!

Feelings are subjective

While basic emotions are instinctual and universal to us all, the significance they take on are shaped by an individual’s personality and experiences, which obviously fluctuates between individuals

It’s important to understand how emotions and feelings function within us because they play a key role in how we engage with others, and they are a powerful influence behind many of your actions (helpful and unhelpful).

This understanding is the key to change because many of us react to our emotions and feelings based on out-dated, fear-based perceptions.

When you become more self-aware, and can begin to identify your emotions and feelings, you can determine their origin, acknowledge their presence, and then take control back in navigating your life. Increasing our understanding of our emotions is the key to taking back the power over how we feel. We can then begin to consciously change our lives and behaviour, because we turn off ‘auto pilot’ and increase our sense of autonomy and purpose.

“Good” vs. “bad” emotions, and their purpose

We’re taught from a young age to think that painful, “negative” emotions like sadness, fear, anger or shame should be avoided, numbed, and removed from our consciousness. “Positive” emotions like happiness and love are encouraged and praised. How many times have we heard our parents, other parents or ourselves say something like “go to your room until you have changed your attitude and can be nice to everyone.” Or often I hear parents saying “stop crying” or “you don’t need to cry about this, ok?” to their children. The uncomfortable emotions we feel are sometimes uncomfortable for those around us too, and so they try to settle their own feelings of agitation by telling others to contain their negative feelings.

Evolutionary, it makes sense, right? Human beings gravitate towards pleasure and things that bring us joy, and we avoid and detest when we feel uncomfortable or experience pain. Emotions are a textbook example of this and I often hear clients say, “ugh! I hate feeling this way!”

The tricky bit is that when we avoid the negative emotions, or try to numb them, that is when we disconnect from their inherent purpose and miss the value that they can bring us.

Emotions exist because they serve the vital function of attaching ourselves to what really matters and what we deem internally valuable. Belonging and safety are two of the main feelings that humans are hardwired to require for survival. Research has shown us that our emotions are what helped our ancestors communicate their needs, and therefore were vital for survival.

Our emotions are hardwired into our bodies and are the quickest method to connect with others and ourselves. Smiling or crying evokes universal responses, despite language barriers or cultural differences.

Why do we have emotions?

The role of emotion is similar to many other purposes within our bodies: for survival. It is emotions that kick off our responses and reactions to things, and can enable t body to take action if required. Our emotions may not always be logical, but to our primitive brains, it’s all about survival –at any costs – and so pursuing safety is always our brain’s #1 agenda.

For example, if you are walking down a busy city street, and see something suddenly slither across the ground, your brain will respond with the emotion of fear, which will cause you to jump away. Logically, we know that it is unlikely to see a snake on a busy city street, but your emotions and brain will jump into gear, bypass all rational thought, just to keep you safe. When you look closer, you realize it is just a paper bag, and your emotions may turn to happiness at the relief, or maybe even embarrassment that you jumped 3 feet away to avoid the deadly paper bag!

Think about those startling experiences we all have had: a close call near accident, a loud noise, or aggressive behaviour from another person.

What happened within your body?

Your body would have bypassed any sort of ‘thinking’ and would have gone on auto-pilot, with your heart rate increasing, quickness of breath, sweating, or muscles tensing. All of this is designed by your brain in order to activate your ability to protect yourself. Most commonly known as the ‘fight, flight, freeze’ response, our bodies are guided by our emotions for what action to take. The emotion of anger can make our brain think we are under attack, sadness communicates loss, and feeling love or showing love makes our body feel safe.

Emotions spur external communication

The secondary role of emotions is to let others know how we are feeling and how that impacts group safety. Facial expressions and body language can speak volumes, across race, religion, culture and dialect. Our prehistoric ancestors needed ways to communicate “careful! We are in danger of being attacked!” by looking afraid or shaking. Or by smiling and communicating “things are good! We are safe.”

Emotions encourage inflection

Finally, emotions serve a valuable purpose in self-communication, and in helping us discern our values and goals. Our emotions can tell us what we need, or what is unhelpful. Knowing those things can help guide our life and alter our choices.

By avoiding our emotions, or numbing them, we prevent ourselves from accessing valuable information on what we need. And if we are unclear about what we need, it is harder to make decisions. Learning to listen to what our emotions are trying to tell us (as in the table above) can help guide us towards what’s important in our lives.

The old adage, ‘what we resist, persists’ rings true in this regard. Resisting, rejecting or judging our emotions is unhelpful and usually futile. We may be able to ignore or avoid our emotions for a period of time, but eventually they creep in and find a way to be heard.

It is easier to accept them, acknowledge them, and give them permission to be present. Exercising self-compassion and empathy towards ourselves is much more effective in accomplishing change or personal growth. Practicing mindfulness, and naming the emotions can be helpful in recognising what we are feeling.

“The way that guy just spoke to me is making me feel really angry. It’s interesting that I am interpreting his words in a way that makes me feel anger.” But beyond that, get curious. Ask yourself “why is this making me angry? What is that about? I wonder what his words are triggering within me?”

We have the ability to change ourselves and create the lives we want. By getting curious about your emotions, and learning how to understand them, long-lasting change is possible. Research has shown us that neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to alter functions after repetitive changes to thoughts and behaviours) is powerful and can lead to remarkable changes. Learning about our emotions is the first step to establishing control of our lives.

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Engaging in Meaningful Activities and Connecting With Other People

This is the last of the self care series written by guest writer Jane Anastasios. Enjoy.

Local Councils sometimes get a bad rap for misspending our rates, allowing inappropriate developments, and not always acting or focusing on the needs of the local community. Without entering a potential political minefield, I was greatly heartened to read our local council ‘brag sheet’ newsletter, that amongst other things, listed a whole host of free local community events and activities that they had arranged or were subsidizing – concerts, art shows, classes at sporting centres, book clubs at the library, talks by experts in different fields, gardening clubs, youth groups, computer classes. One program that stood out to me was an initiative where they link volunteers in our community to check up on and visit other members of the community (elderly, disabled, socially isolated) on a regular basis. It seemed to me that both the volunteers and the people being visited were on a winner here. A sense of meaningful participation and contribution, connecting and forming relationships with people, and being a member of their broader community. This struck a chord with me as the research into people’s psychological wellbeing and life satisfaction clearly highlights the importance of connecting with others, having a sense of belonging, and participating in meaningful and enjoyable activities as factors that lead to people feeling good about themselves and their lives. In this article we will focus in on engaging in meaningful activities that promote enjoyment, a sense of purpose, and connection as a way of looking after your ‘social’ self and enhancing your psychological wellbeing.

What the research says about engaging in enjoyable activities and psychological wellbeing.

Positive psychology researchers have all noticed a clear link between life satisfaction, improved psychological wellbeing and people who regularly engage in activities they enjoy. These are activities that are pursued just for the sake of it- for pure pleasure and enjoyment. They also note that whilst doing things just for fun and enjoyment are important, they are not the whole story (other things like contributing and connecting are stronger factors), but certainly worth doing. Engaging in things for fun and enjoyment help with feelings of happiness and positive mood, and can reduce stress in the moment (and when done regularly, over the longer term).

Some things you might like to consider:

Regular participation seems key – find ways to build enjoyable activities into your day to day life, rather than just waiting for that elusive day or holiday or retirement when you will have time to do this

You can choose things to do on your own or with others

It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money – some things are free.

It doesn’t have to take a whole lot of time.

Ask yourself what are the things you like to do just for the sheer fun or enjoyment of it. What seems important is that these activities are enjoyable to you, and you are not just doing it to please someone else, or doing it because you think other people would approve of it. It is your life so make sure you are spending some of your time on things that are important and fun to you.

Not sure what you like doing. Here are some ideas of things that some other people have tried out and enjoyed:

What the research says about engaging in activities that are purposeful and psychological wellbeing

As well as doing things just for fun, engaging in activities that bring a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and are meaningful to you are important for our wellbeing. Finding activities, whether it be through work, volunteering, studying, our hobbies, leisure pursuits, helping your household run smoothly, looking after your family, seem to help people feel more fulfilled. Taking the time to work out the kinds of activities that are important to you, bring you as sense of accomplishment, purpose, and engage you, is one way of taking better care of yourself and your wellbeing. Positive psychology researchers have found that when people find or create purpose in activities they tend to report high levels of life satisfaction. Oftentimes these activities involve sheer hard work (as opposed to than those activities we simply do for fun) and can be challenging, but when they are linked to something that is personally meaningful, or that you value, or that plays to your strengths, people seem to find these kinds of activities engaging and satisfying and in turn this leads to improved psychological wellbeing. People who say that at times they become so deeply immersed or involved in some of their activities (what psychologists refer to as ‘flow’) also report high levels of life satisfaction.

Some things you might like to consider:

Take the time to work out what kinds of activities deeply engage you – for each of us it will be different

Sometimes our jobs or some aspects of them can provide this sense of purpose and/or level of deep engagement. Allowing ourselves to focus some of our time on these parts of our work (as well as doing the other less enticing parts) seems like a good idea.

Purposeful and engaging activities where you experience a sense of accomplishment are not just about your job and might involve other roles or parts of your life (eg. building a cubby house for your nieces, helping to run a school fete, volunteering your time to help new immigrants to learn English; teaching your child how to ride a bike; cooking a new recipe; a workout at the gym, nutting out a difficult knitting pattern, weeding and planting a garden bed)

Take the time to work out your skills and strengths and things where you like being challenged

If you are having trouble finding something that you currently do that brings you a sense of purpose, engagement, or accomplishment, remember some past activities you have done before when you experienced this - What was it about this activity that gave you this feeling (was it helping other people, was it a sense of learning something new, was it putting together a bunch of new ideas, was it creating something)

What are the things you value in life (e.g. being kind, being a team player, being organized, learning, teaching, creating, being resourceful; bringing people together)

What the research says about connecting with others and psychological wellbeing

Even though this article and the previous 3 are focused on self-care- the things that you can do to look after yourself- the “self” in self-care doesn’t mean you have to do this on your own. In fact, the research is pretty clear that people tend to do best when we have meaningful, enjoyable, and/or supportive connections with others. When we are struggling seeking help from others whether it be a friend, family member, or professional (e.g., a GP, counsellor, social worker, teacher), seems to lessen the load. When we seek out opportunities to connect with other people this can help us feel less isolated and alone and can also potentially be a source of enjoyment. Psychologists interested in resilience have found that when people have a good sense of belonging and feel connected to a community, and have someone they can go to for support (family, friend, professional) they tend to cope relatively well with the inevitable difficulties in life. Researchers are also finding strong links between people’s wellbeing and the satisfaction they derive by getting involved in broader community concerns or contributing by helping others in need. I like the notion of interdependence as a way of understanding this. We are individuals, who at times like being on our own and can rely on ourselves, yet also at times need others and enjoy our connections with others.

My work with children over the years has taught me a lot about the importance of connections and how it seems to work, from their point of view. What they tell me about how connections with others works, also seems equally apt for adults. In a nutshell what children and young people tell me is that some people are there to help us in practical ways, some for fun, some for doing things with even if we don’t like them that much (like school work, making things, team sports), some to care for you or about you, some to teach you, some are for close friendships, and some just to hang out with (kind of friends but maybe not your best friend), some are just people you know cos you see them a lot (like the lady at your favourite bakery, the hairdresser), sometimes you have fights and make up (or not), sometimes you just don’t hit it off with some people, sometimes you might like people but not see them much, and our connections and relationships with people can change over time.

Some things you might like to consider:

Look for opportunities to create new connections. Here’s a few ideas:

Go to your kid’s school social events or working bees

Join a sporting team, a walking group or similar interest

Join a book group, film club, chess club

Join a support group

Book in for some classes at your local adult learning centres

Talk to the other parents at the park where your kids play, rather than just scrolling through your phone.

Say a little more than hello to the person who serves you regularly at your coffee shop, supermarket, newsagent, the school crossing supervisor, the neighbour you often see but don’t know

Check out the local Men’s shed

Volunteer your time and skills – there are heaps of ways to contribute and connect. For more ideas about this try contacting your local Council or look up some ideas on the internet.

We all have different comfort levels and skills when connecting with other people. Some people have an easier time of connecting with others- they seem to thrive or be in their element; other people might like to connect with others, but struggle to be around large groups of people for too long, preferring smaller groups or one-on-one time; some people feel quite uncomfortable with this whole area but wish to connect with others. If you struggle with shyness, social anxiety or if you’re not too confident with all of this, seek help from a psychologist who may be able to help with some skills and strategies.

Strengthen existing connections and relationships. This might be as simple as arranging more regular catch ups, inviting some people you have just met to attend an event with you, chatting with your work colleagues, sending an email to someone who lives further away and haven’t seen for a while – doesn’t have to be lengthy, just short and sweet is better than not at all. Bake a cake for a neighbour just because you feel like it, offer to pick up or drop off one of your kids’ school mates- sometimes it is actions and not words.

Ask for help and seek support when you need it – there is usually someone who is keen and able to help in whatever way they can, especially when they know you need it and have some ideas about what they can do to help. Whether it be help with building a new fence at home, picking up the kids from school when you are stuck at work, making people aware that you are sick at home and might need a bit of a hand, or if you are struggling emotionally you might need a kind listening ear. And when someone you know could do with some help, do what you can even it is just a quick encouraging text or phone call.

Want to know a bit more about all of this:

For those of you of my vintage or earlier check out this link…Remember Norm and the Life Be in it campaign

https://youtu.be/N_QRyNu9Q3o

And a bit more on the serious, meaty, and research side, check out a Ted Talk “The new era of positive psychology” by Martin Seligman a prominent Positive Psychology Researcher talking a bit more about all of the ideas about engaging in activities and our psychological wellbeing.

Take care.