In my book Life Works When - Piecing Together Happiness for a Successful Life, belonging is the third piece of the happiness jigsaw. It was the third piece because I believe that before we can make bonds with others in a healthy and happy way, it's really important to build an understanding of self-care and purpose first. If you haven't read them, follow the links and check them out.
I'm pretty sure you have all realised we are very socially driven creatures. We function so much better in groups and amongst like-minded people. Just think about social media, it is hugely popular because we all desperately want to belong. Even if it is by a bunch of strangers on the other side of the world. Who cares if you don't really have a relationship with your followers or FB friends? You have a thousand likes and are part of something, that's belonging, isn't it? Or is it?

Let's have a think about what belongingness is. To start with having and maintaining a sense of belongingness is one of our most basic needs and impacts upon our psychological and physical wellbeing. To belong really means we are able to develop attachments to groups or individuals. It is part of all our genetic makeup to want to be accepted and embraced into a group of some kind, (think family, culture, religion, relationships, social or work). It is this human connectivity that gives us a sense of being loved, similar and valued with and by others. In turn, this sense of belongingness allows us to give back to those we are attached to, increasing our wellbeing. (I am all about what we give back to this world as a part of our happiness).

We all have a slightly different version of what belongingness could look like. Each of us has our own unique interests, desires, attractions and motivations to seek and join with others. These variances help define who we are and show others how we can be identified as separate and part of social groups. Take me for example, I belong to a family group, a workgroup, a professional group, a social group, a relationship group, and a few different friendship groups. If I think more on it, I also have many peripheral groups, all of which give me a sense of belongingness. Some are more permanent than others. Some are stronger in the attachments than others. They all give me a sense of having a place in this world and the security of being loved, cared for or valued. And that creates happiness. If you don't believe how important belongingness is to our happiness, as always, here are some evidence-based facts.

Psychologists Baumeister and Leary whose research on belonging and attachment believed that belongingness was an essential human motivator found in all cultures. The research showed that when belongingness isn't achieved, it had serious consequences on our wellbeing. We all need to belong and when we can't or fail to or are prevented from belonging to our social world, the outcomes are not good.

Leary showed that because of the effect an inability to belong had on our emotional, physical and social health, belongingness was not just something we wanted in life. It was a need. Just as the character Mo in my book, realised in not belonging he had grown increasingly unhappy, so to do we long for real, authentic bonds with others. It is in our DNA. We need to be a part of groups and relationships.

As Leary indicates, the quality of our bonds is far more important than the quantity. Our need for belonging is not met by superficial relationships. Belongingness, as a key to the jigsaw of happiness, has to be more than a like or follow on social media or an unknown FB friend. For Belongingness to work, our relationships must be meaningful, consistent, interactive and lasting. They need to grow and develop, mature and strengthen over time. Belongingness does not survive in conflict and abuse. Or in relationships that keep breaking down or are frequently damaged. Belongingness can only grow in healthy bonds that we maintain with truth, authenticity, love and compassion. It is an investment in happiness that, like most things in life, requires work and commitment.

Here are some more fun facts on belongingness and happiness:

  • Belongingness is a goal-directed action that only needs a minimum number of stable healthy bonds in order to be achieved. (Tick for quality!)

  • We don't necessarily find more happiness from any extra relationships we may seek beyond those stable bonds. (Cross for quantity!).

  • These extra relationships can cause us more stress as they are more likely to end.

  • When we lose a sense of belonging with the end of a relationship, we look to replace it with a new bond, even if it is superficial. (Jumping straight into an intense new relationship straight after ending a long partnership would be an example of this.)

  • If we are missing belongingness from one area in our lives, we will compensate by seeking it in another area. (If you leave family and friends behind for a job you may try to establish strong bonds in your new work).

  • Intense feelings around commitment and intimacy do not replace regular physical contact to fulfil a need of belongingness. (Thinking your need for belonging will be met by sexting or an online romance, just won't cut it.)

  • Just believing a relationship exists does not create a sense of belonging that will build happiness. (That's any of you who think you are in a relationship with someone just because you like them.)

  • We are more likely to bond with those near us, over those who may live some distance but are more similar. (Frequency of physical presence trumps having the same hobbies every time.)

  • We can find a need to belong in negative (traumatic) as well as positive (healthy) experiences. (If you have seen the movie Speed, you know this is true. And they struggle to last.)

  • When we belong, we feel better, experience happiness, are more satisfied with life, care for others, are healthier and stronger physically and psychologically. (Belonging equals happiness)

  • When we don't belong, we feel guilty, rejected, anxious, depressed, angry, alone, jealous and isolated. We are more inclined to show behaviour problems, commit crimes and have suicidal ideation. (Not belonging equals unhappiness.)

  • The psychological pain of not belonging involves the same areas in the brain as physical pain. (We really do feel loneliness like a physical injury.)

  • Impression management is a term where we try to control our image in order to influence others into accepting us into a group. (Not belonging can make us inauthentic in order to bond.)

So, there you have it. A little more background on the third piece of the jigsaw from my book to find happiness in life. To be happy means to achieve belongingness. Try to move away from online dating apps and social media chats and be present with the people, be part of groups, interact frequently in real life and have a constant physical presence in others' lives. In this way, we can begin to believe we are in a stable, loving, ongoing and honest relationship that defines our need for belonging and increases our chances of happiness.

Next blog is on the fourth piece of the jigsaw, self-esteem. Stay tuned and don't forget to get the book!

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.”

– Robert Bryne

Don’t you love that saying? The purpose of life is a life of purpose? A simple message that can often be forgotten amidst the hectic lives we lead. Getting distracted and just stuff going on make it all too easy to lose direction as we get lost amidst the endless demands made upon us. And those that we feel obligated or select to accept. Sometimes the goals we gravitate towards aren’t right for us. Or worse some purposeful objectives might be chosen for motivational wants defined by greed, envy and false illusions of happiness. Other times our purpose is linked to our developmental age and stage of life. When this happens, we can forget to adjust and adapt our goals to growing up, life experiences and getting older. The issue is we all need some kind of destination to push us forward and excite us to master and work towards endeavours that will be meaningful in some way. In turn, we get a sense of where we are going and why.

 

In my book, Life Works When – Piecing Together Happiness for a Successful Life – the second part of the jigsaw of happiness is the attainment of having purpose. I have been asked why purpose? Surely there are more integral needs to know in order to find true happiness than purpose? I don’t think so. Purpose is a gift that enhances our quality of life. What are we, if we do not have an aim in life? What is a life led without goals and motivation? If true purpose fails to connect us with what we need and each other, then we are rudderless to navigate our lives. Directionless with our dreams and empty of drive and determination.

But don’t just take my word for it, research shows we are engineered to have purpose because it generates a sense of wellbeing compared to those who are purposeless. We are happy when we have a reason to motivate us in life. Whether this is a spiritual, emotional or financial purpose, the act of moving towards a destination gives us reason to battle the tough times, helps us to master resilience and encourages us to hold on to hope.

For some purpose is finding a life partner, maybe having children, could be a career, self-development, generating wealth or building connections within our communities and each other. Purpose is individual and intrinsic to your needs and wants. Having a sense of purpose gives us a balanced meaning to our existence. It allows us to allocate time and resources to goals and dreams. And dreams create passion and energy. We all need to be excited about something, no matter if that drive is to feel better, care for our wellbeing, imagine a better life or to invent something truly amazing. Purpose is passion. And a life without passion is an empty vision.

So, what happens when we are purposeless? Just like Mo in my book, without having a destination to inspire us, we can easily give up, feeling lost and confused what direction we should take to find happiness. We start to experience apathy when our dreams disappear. It seeps in through the cracks of despair as we grow increasingly aimless. Depression is the outcome of a life that has lost meaning and motivation. Purpose is a salvation to hopelessness and a remedy for low moods. Knowing what gives you passion and purpose is the secret to true success.

Ikigai (the Japanese term for reason for being and a philosophy of finding happiness), is correlated with a sense of purpose and longevity. According to research those of us who connect with a strong sense of purpose are more likely to live longer, have less heart disease and be resilient in life (BlueZones). Having said that, it isn’t enough just to have a general, vague purpose to improve your health, a purpose with passion is the key. For the people in the research purpose included family, fishing or regular exercise that connected the mind and body and fulfilled a sense of joy. These studies indicated that having purpose is a protective factor for human beings.

The links with who we are and what we do are essential elements of having positive purpose in our lives. If we extend this out of ourselves and embrace our communities with purpose than the destination of wellbeing becomes a global need that could benefit us all. And having meaning is infectious. We are better lovers, family members and work colleagues when we are driven by our passions and celebrate a life full of meaning and motivation. When purpose becomes a unilateral destination then we can change the world.

Here are my tips on creating your purpose and in this way defining a destination of physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

How to have purpose.

  • Write a list of things you enjoy. Make a plan to learn, master or at least try as many as you can.

  • Define what you are passionate about (spiritually, creatively, physically, morally and ethically) and incorporate at least one of these passions into your everyday life.

  • Do not give up on a dream. Purpose is about resilience and mastery, a dream can be rearranged, reshaped and reinvented, but don’t give up on the passion to achieve.

  • Have a mental destination. And then another one. And then another one.

  • Link your purpose with other parts of your life. Isolation is defeating for true happiness, so your purpose needs to benefit other areas of your life and connect you to others.

  • Your purpose does not need to be huge. It can be to love with an open heart, to live in authenticity, to share your knowledge and wisdom. Find purpose in the small and every day activities around you.

Now, I have fulfilled my purpose of explaining the pieces of the jigsaw to happiness from my book Life Works When. Stay tuned for the next blog on Belonging as the third part of the puzzle to a successful life.

Exploring Life Works When – A story of piecing happiness together for a successful life.

Now if you’ve read my parable on the happiness jigsaw of life you’d know self-care is one of the first steps to building a platform of wellness, so you can find and maintain a happier life. And if you have my book and completed the Happiness Assessment then the next few blogs are going to help explain and guide you through your jigsaw of Happiness, by exploring what those steps mean in greater detail. Have a look where you rated SELF CARE compared to the other pieces of the jigsaw. Is it something you need to rethink or balance in your life?
Recently I was at a friend’s book launch and her guest speaker said something that resonated with me. He said, “When people tell me they don’t have time, I hear that they are too lazy to make time.”

There were a lot of surprised (and perhaps resentful faces), at the implication that us time poor people could be labelled lazy. And yet I think he was right on the money.

What I think he meant was the effort and challenge to put aside time to do things that can benefit us, may take a little longer than a sound bite or reading an affirmation. We are very clever at shoving what we really need to do in the back of our minds if it requires a perception of too much effort. We fill our lives with distractions and ‘must do’ lists without thinking of allocating time and effort to other important things. Squeezing in our basic needs between other accomplishments we deem more valuable to our life progress. Like putting of reading a book that could improve our understanding of life or ourselves. We are masters at excusing ourselves from the hard stuff.

This concept of time, laziness and choice is integral to the idea of SELF CARE.

I chose SELF CARE as the first piece of the puzzle to HAPPINESS to draw attention to the importance of self-love, for without accomplishing self-love we struggle to cope with the blunt bruising world out there. And by self-love, I don’t mean self-obsession or self-promotion. I mean liking yourself, warts and all. Finding a softness in your vulnerabilities and mistakes. Seeing your soul in the mirror instead of only focusing on the body it came in. SELF CARE is the daily continued focus on looking after yourself. From what you eat and drink, to grooming and hygiene and even your surrounds. SELF CARE is taking time to care for yourself. Slow it down. See yourself as a whole being rather than parts. Stop defining your worthiness as how you look and expand it to include incorporating a kindness for the inside and out.

This means it is okay to step out of our hectic lives, down tools and look after ourselves. Find the time to love who you are.

Want to know a trick? Go and stand in the doorway of your room. Have a look at your environment, no not just outside, I mean around you. Slow down and really look. How clean and organised is your room? Our rooms are like our private mind, it is where the world rarely goes, and the place rarely seen by others. SELF CARE is reflected in this space. If you avoid caring for what you own with value and thoughtfulness, what does that say about your own sense of value? Equally, if your room is so pristine that it lacks personality, again what does that say about you? About the time you spend in your private world, mentally, physically and spiritually?

We have all seen a street with a house that is dishevelled and uncared for. Immediately we sense that the people living there don’t have time ( or maybe judge harshly are too lazy), to look after what they own. They don’t prioritise what they have, even if it is a rundown house. They are sending a message of the lack of self-care they have for themselves and their environment. And we read it easily and agree. SELF CARE is a statement of worth and when undernourished and abandoned seeps out into the world and into our environments. How we treat ourselves sooner or later is demonstrated by how we live and treat the wider spaces we live in.

How about personal hygiene? Do you groom and clean your physical self with care and love? Taking time to nourish the skin you are in? Find the time to maintain your wellbeing in basic ways?

What about that mind of yours? How often do you set aside time to expand your knowledge of self? Question your direction and purpose? Challenge your thinking and reactions to improve your interpersonal and self-development? None of us have all the answers and understand ourselves completely, so finding time to continue a quest for wisdom is important for our personal growth.

And don’t get me started on what we put into our bodies? Do you swallow a myriad of vitamins and concoctions to improve your health because it is quicker than spending time eating fruit or preparing a nutritious meal? Telling ourselves that tablets are time effective ways to nourish our bodies in our busy lives.

SELF CARE as the first piece of the HAPPINESS JIGSAW is a basic and important skill that will support you through life. It will help keep you physically strong, have a sense of your value, demonstrate to the world your own worthiness and create feelings of pride and accomplishment throughout your life.

So, let’s not be lazy with our time. Let’s create moments to SELF CARE. Check in with ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually to see how we are going. Look around our environment both personally and beyond to see and then create a true reflection of our worthiness. It is time to SELf CARE and make a statement that you are ready to build the platform of happiness to take you through this long and wonderful life.

And don’t forget to get my book Life Works When- A story of piecing happiness together for a successful life to follow and explore the other pieces of the jigsaw of happiness.

Life Works When - A Story of Piecing Happiness Together for a Successful Life

By Sarah Godfrey

Illustrations by Carol Gray

Available now on Amazon

After years of being asked, how do I find happiness, I finally bit the bullet and have summed up the 5 pieces of life's puzzle, needed to find a sense of peace, contentment and joy, (which in my view is the definition of Happiness).

Beautifully illustrated by Carol Gray, who has brought humour and humanity to the characters in the book, this narrative takes the reader on a short journey of personal discovery. Based on 16 years of psychological experience, Life Works When - A Story of Piecing Happiness Together for Successful Life, is designed to remind you what is important when we are chasing that dream of being happy, and how we can get lost trying to get there.

Fun, whimsical and real, if you follow and focus on mastering these 5 steps, you might just get to where you want to go.

Oh, like in the movies, the end of the book maybe isn't the end if you keep reading! We have added a surprise as a reminder how to laugh at ourselves, even when what we try to accomplish might be serious.

Enjoy!

Cheers, Sarah