Not convinced to book that leave yet? The importance of creative thinking is vital for emotional resilience and intellectual achievement. Let's take a moment to see into the future and learn how creativity will be a much sought after human skill. According to the World Economic Forum in the Future of Jobs Report, in 2015 the top three human skills employers wanted were;

  1. Complex problem solving (part of executive functioning).
  2. Coordinating with others (part of emotional intelligence).
  3. People management.

By 2020 (at the time of writing this, that is just shy of 12 months from now), the top 3 human skills to secure your job will be;

  1. Complex problem solving.
  2. Critical thinking.
  3. Creativity (a very new entry into 'must have' qualities of future employees).

Beyond 2020, the prediction is that the human skill of Creativity jumps to the number one spot and Emotional Intelligence arrives on the scene, moving from the sixth desired attribute in future employees into the top three. These significant human skills will be needed to balance our increasingly technologically dependent world and can be connected with the benefits of taking sabbaticals. I know! How easy is that?

A rested mind is a creative mind.

Creativity is coordinated through the right hemisphere of the brain. Let's not get caught up with thinking this skill is only about creating works of art, making things of great beauty or releasing emotional stress through artistic exploration. Creativity is innovation. It is a human skill that will help you perform better in solution finding (problem solving), allow you to view opinions from different perspectives, explain and comprehend information from new angles and increase success to communicate, connect and conflict resolve with others. Creativity is integral to change adaptation and flexibility, as it lets you cope and deal with uncertainty by allowing you to include the unknown in your thinking.

Sabbaticals can untap your creative potential by delivering time. Time is the quality none of us have and desire the most. A sabbatical forces you to step out of a busy life, preoccupied with 'living' and making immediate choices on a daily basis. It allows your mind to drift, slow down, process and tap into that dusty and underused imagination. Much like the positive effects of boredom to spark your imagination, a sabbatical, by changing your environment, focus and goals, can stimulate the brain to activate a different skill set than you would normally use. Time and personal freedom are the key to growing your creative potential. Two things a sabbatical can offer you.

Emotional Resilience

Research conducted by academics across New Zealand, United States and Israel (Sabbatical Leave: Who gains and How Much?) studied the effects on sabbaticals across 10 different universities. They focused on emotional well-being and found that their colleagues enjoyed enhanced psychological health during sabbaticals, particularly where they journeyed out of their home country, in comparison to those who did not take leave. This cohort also showed increased resource levels (productivity and resilience).

Our mental health is improved by the time we take to venture into the world and gain new experiences. But leave your work and screen obsession behind. Our brains are not designed to be switched on 24/7. They are engineered to problem solve, whether that is a complex problem or an emotional issue, by slowing down and allowing information to randomly explore possibilities. Mastering emotional resilience is a part of effective problem solving. Contrary to what most might believe our brains need time to disconnect from excessive focus, restructure the process of seeking information, develop the capacity for insight or deeper understanding of the issues and relish in the very scientific term, the 'A-ha' moment, which is the sudden realisation of a solution to the problem (according to Simone Sandkühler, and Joydeep Bhattacharya in their research on insightful problem solving). None of which can be mastered in our hectic working lives but can be generated by taking sabbaticals and allowing us to connect with our emotions, randomly work through hurdles and learn to explore and stabilise intense feelings. The brain needs to slow down in order to do this and work as it is intended. If we are screen obsessed and use holidays to stare mindlessly at technology or continue work tasks, you may as well stay at home and continue the grind because the benefits are going to pass you by.

Studies such as these confirm what we know instinctively; that taking a break will have a positive outcome on your general physical and mental well-being. How you use your sabbatical is also important. We need to create space and time to switch off our working brain and explore and develop our creative brain. Having a different focus, exploring the new and novel, breaking a routine and even being bored by too much free time on your hands, are positive outcomes from taking that much needed break. It is the restful escape that will develop a more creative, emotionally resilient and intelligent you.

Sabbaticals, especially regular sabbaticals, have the ability to improve our brain function, release our creativity, enhance our emotional intelligence and alter our genetic map for the better. It is time to embrace the body and brain benefits of planning sabbaticals and reap the emotional and physical rewards. Employers should look more positively on the long-term outcomes that sabbaticals can have on their staff, their productivity and overall employee well-being. A well-planned sabbatical has the ability of helping us all.

On that note, I think it is time I got myself a safari suit, picked up a shovel and booked my own sabbatical. Afterwards I can return to my career and family rested, inspired, creatively improved and physically ready for the year ahead.

Sarah is a lateral mentalist providing coaching psychology for two decades focusing on personal development. She works with her clients to build successful futures, speaks at conferences and writes books and blogs on discovering how to improve your life, find happiness and master human skills.

You can contact Sarah by emailing her at hello@sarahgodfrey.com.au

It is common knowledge that taking a break is good for us, although in the current climate it seems finding weeks to put aside for rest and relaxation has become more and more difficult. It's time we paid attention to the increased benefits of, not only taking a holiday, but investing in frequent sabbaticals. These benefits extend across your psychological, physical wellbeing and your brain function.

Time-lining sabbaticals into our lives has substantial positive effects on our executive function, creativity and overall career performance.

What we already realise is that extended periods of time off do us the world of good. For starters sabbaticals;

  • Improve your immune system to fight illnesses (like viruses, colds etc)

  • Enhance your emotional well-being

  • Build self-esteem and confidence by positive risk taking, new experiences and increased socialisation

  • Decrease your stress (allowing cortisol levels to stabilise)

  • Re-energise motivation by breaking routines and feelings of apathy in daily life

More recent research is showing us exciting and significant effects on how sabbaticals can improve our brain and body functioning. The Icahn School of Medicine, University of California and Harvard, conducted a study that showed a six day retreat was capable of causing genetic changes. These genetic changes improved the immune system, decreased stress levels and even lowered the levels of proteins in the brain associated with depression and dementia. Not only that, but the study indicated that these genetic effects were still present one month later.

We can only imagine the long-term benefits from frequent sabbaticals aimed at self-improvement or skill enhancement. (As yet there is no research cross comparing a healthy sabbatical with a cruise ship '24-hour-drink-fest-party,' however I'm sure there will be plenty of volunteers for the later). So, sabbaticals can improve our physical immune system and may help the physical signs of depression and dementia. The benefits lasting much longer than the holiday itself. It doesn't stop there. Here is another fascinating thing about a well-earned extended break. It can also;

  • Boost your creativity

  • Increase your emotional intelligence and resilience

  • Increase your executive functioning capabilities

There is growing evidence on how sabbaticals can enhance executive functioning, (the area of the brain associated with planning, thinking, organising and problem solving), and allow the creative mind in us all, to be released. And a creative mind is what you need moving into the future.

Judy Willis M.D.M.Ed in The Impact Of Creativity On The Brain, outlines the importance of creativity to enhance brain function. Willis believes that constructs such as 'long term memory, concept construction, intelligence; academic, social, and emotional success; the development of skill sets and the highest information processing (executive functions) that will become increasingly valuable for students of the 21st century,' are by-products of creativity. And creativity is a by-product of taking a sabbatical. Time we all valued a break as a moment to spark our own dormant or unknown creativity.

Sarah is a lateral mentalist providing coaching psychology for two decades focusing on personal development. She works with her clients to build successful futures, speaks at conferences and writes books and blogs on discovering how to improve your life, find happiness and master human skills.

You can contact Sarah by emailing her at hello@sarahgodfrey.com.au

Do you know what I would like to do if I could take 6 months off? Live out my other dream career as an archaeologist. Spend months brushing granules of dirt off an ancient bone, discovering something hidden and long forgotten with equally obsessed amateur palaeontologists. However, balancing an indulged dream against the pressures and demands of a busy life seems nearly impossible. What if taking a sabbatical could actually do more for me than create a chance to realise a dream? How more motivated would I be to take a sabbatical or two, if I knew it would benefit my intelligence, creativity, physical and psychological well-being or help me perform better at my real job?

Being a dedicated employee and priding ourselves on our work ethic are important to our self-esteem and value in our working life. Doing the long hours, putting in the effort and demonstrating endurance in the face of insurmountable tasks, are what we do to be successful. These attributes are highly praised and often come at the cost of regular holidays and planned breaks. Do we discount stepping away from work because we are unaware of the immediate and long-term effects of taking well-earned sabbaticals? And I don't mean just one. The more you take the better the effect.

The biggest hurdle is committing to your own self-care. Can you imagine fronting up to your boss or (family) and asking for a few months or even a year off? Most of us get a little nervous just at the idea of taking more than a couple of weeks away from our jobs. Our self-doubts amp up as we worry about loss of respect, skill decline, fear of being replaced or losing our position, the job being made redundant in our absence and workplace culture and demands changing in the interim. However, even with these concerns, it appears that the value of sabbaticals is starting to make sense. People are increasingly selecting to plan and take extended breaks over staying in jobs, opting for other goals than just workplace achievements.

A sabbatical, unlike general leave (and the two-day weekend we sometimes pretend is like a holiday), is a longer rest from our working lives. Sabbaticals often last more than one month and can extend up to a year, depending on your workplace and career. In most businesses' employees begin to generate long service leave after a period of ten years. Accruing time off for longevity and loyalty in one work environment generally gives a return of around two months paid leave. Sabbaticals fall under a more fluid guideline. They can include paid or unpaid time off. The length of time away from your job is determined by yourself and the flexibility of your employer. It is not determined by length of tenure.

A sabbatical is an autonomous decision to invest in yourself.

The need for self-development, to discover untapped potential and enhance our skill base are driving us to seek something beyond the working life. We no longer need to see time out and our careers as opposing forces. Instead of viewing long leave as the end of our career, it might be time to re-think our approach to taking sabbaticals. Employers may want to embrace the benefits of encouraging sabbaticals in the workplace when they realise those absent employees may return with more skills and ability than before they left. Quality time out might just be the key to increased professional success, reduced psychological injury, profitability and positive performance cultures.

Sarah is a lateral mentalist providing coaching psychology for two decades focusing on personal development. She works with her clients to build successful futures, speaks at conferences and writes books and blogs on discovering how to improve your life, find happiness and master human skills.

You can contact Sarah by emailing her at hello@sarahgodfrey.com.au

In my book Life Works When - Piecing Together Happiness for a Successful Life, belonging is the third piece of the happiness jigsaw. It was the third piece because I believe that before we can make bonds with others in a healthy and happy way, it's really important to build an understanding of self-care and purpose first. If you haven't read them, follow the links and check them out.
I'm pretty sure you have all realised we are very socially driven creatures. We function so much better in groups and amongst like-minded people. Just think about social media, it is hugely popular because we all desperately want to belong. Even if it is by a bunch of strangers on the other side of the world. Who cares if you don't really have a relationship with your followers or FB friends? You have a thousand likes and are part of something, that's belonging, isn't it? Or is it?

Let's have a think about what belongingness is. To start with having and maintaining a sense of belongingness is one of our most basic needs and impacts upon our psychological and physical wellbeing. To belong really means we are able to develop attachments to groups or individuals. It is part of all our genetic makeup to want to be accepted and embraced into a group of some kind, (think family, culture, religion, relationships, social or work). It is this human connectivity that gives us a sense of being loved, similar and valued with and by others. In turn, this sense of belongingness allows us to give back to those we are attached to, increasing our wellbeing. (I am all about what we give back to this world as a part of our happiness).

We all have a slightly different version of what belongingness could look like. Each of us has our own unique interests, desires, attractions and motivations to seek and join with others. These variances help define who we are and show others how we can be identified as separate and part of social groups. Take me for example, I belong to a family group, a workgroup, a professional group, a social group, a relationship group, and a few different friendship groups. If I think more on it, I also have many peripheral groups, all of which give me a sense of belongingness. Some are more permanent than others. Some are stronger in the attachments than others. They all give me a sense of having a place in this world and the security of being loved, cared for or valued. And that creates happiness. If you don't believe how important belongingness is to our happiness, as always, here are some evidence-based facts.

Psychologists Baumeister and Leary whose research on belonging and attachment believed that belongingness was an essential human motivator found in all cultures. The research showed that when belongingness isn't achieved, it had serious consequences on our wellbeing. We all need to belong and when we can't or fail to or are prevented from belonging to our social world, the outcomes are not good.

Leary showed that because of the effect an inability to belong had on our emotional, physical and social health, belongingness was not just something we wanted in life. It was a need. Just as the character Mo in my book, realised in not belonging he had grown increasingly unhappy, so to do we long for real, authentic bonds with others. It is in our DNA. We need to be a part of groups and relationships.

As Leary indicates, the quality of our bonds is far more important than the quantity. Our need for belonging is not met by superficial relationships. Belongingness, as a key to the jigsaw of happiness, has to be more than a like or follow on social media or an unknown FB friend. For Belongingness to work, our relationships must be meaningful, consistent, interactive and lasting. They need to grow and develop, mature and strengthen over time. Belongingness does not survive in conflict and abuse. Or in relationships that keep breaking down or are frequently damaged. Belongingness can only grow in healthy bonds that we maintain with truth, authenticity, love and compassion. It is an investment in happiness that, like most things in life, requires work and commitment.

Here are some more fun facts on belongingness and happiness:

  • Belongingness is a goal-directed action that only needs a minimum number of stable healthy bonds in order to be achieved. (Tick for quality!)

  • We don't necessarily find more happiness from any extra relationships we may seek beyond those stable bonds. (Cross for quantity!).

  • These extra relationships can cause us more stress as they are more likely to end.

  • When we lose a sense of belonging with the end of a relationship, we look to replace it with a new bond, even if it is superficial. (Jumping straight into an intense new relationship straight after ending a long partnership would be an example of this.)

  • If we are missing belongingness from one area in our lives, we will compensate by seeking it in another area. (If you leave family and friends behind for a job you may try to establish strong bonds in your new work).

  • Intense feelings around commitment and intimacy do not replace regular physical contact to fulfil a need of belongingness. (Thinking your need for belonging will be met by sexting or an online romance, just won't cut it.)

  • Just believing a relationship exists does not create a sense of belonging that will build happiness. (That's any of you who think you are in a relationship with someone just because you like them.)

  • We are more likely to bond with those near us, over those who may live some distance but are more similar. (Frequency of physical presence trumps having the same hobbies every time.)

  • We can find a need to belong in negative (traumatic) as well as positive (healthy) experiences. (If you have seen the movie Speed, you know this is true. And they struggle to last.)

  • When we belong, we feel better, experience happiness, are more satisfied with life, care for others, are healthier and stronger physically and psychologically. (Belonging equals happiness)

  • When we don't belong, we feel guilty, rejected, anxious, depressed, angry, alone, jealous and isolated. We are more inclined to show behaviour problems, commit crimes and have suicidal ideation. (Not belonging equals unhappiness.)

  • The psychological pain of not belonging involves the same areas in the brain as physical pain. (We really do feel loneliness like a physical injury.)

  • Impression management is a term where we try to control our image in order to influence others into accepting us into a group. (Not belonging can make us inauthentic in order to bond.)

So, there you have it. A little more background on the third piece of the jigsaw from my book to find happiness in life. To be happy means to achieve belongingness. Try to move away from online dating apps and social media chats and be present with the people, be part of groups, interact frequently in real life and have a constant physical presence in others' lives. In this way, we can begin to believe we are in a stable, loving, ongoing and honest relationship that defines our need for belonging and increases our chances of happiness.

Next blog is on the fourth piece of the jigsaw, self-esteem. Stay tuned and don't forget to get the book!

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.”

– Robert Bryne

Don’t you love that saying? The purpose of life is a life of purpose? A simple message that can often be forgotten amidst the hectic lives we lead. Getting distracted and just stuff going on make it all too easy to lose direction as we get lost amidst the endless demands made upon us. And those that we feel obligated or select to accept. Sometimes the goals we gravitate towards aren’t right for us. Or worse some purposeful objectives might be chosen for motivational wants defined by greed, envy and false illusions of happiness. Other times our purpose is linked to our developmental age and stage of life. When this happens, we can forget to adjust and adapt our goals to growing up, life experiences and getting older. The issue is we all need some kind of destination to push us forward and excite us to master and work towards endeavours that will be meaningful in some way. In turn, we get a sense of where we are going and why.

 

In my book, Life Works When – Piecing Together Happiness for a Successful Life – the second part of the jigsaw of happiness is the attainment of having purpose. I have been asked why purpose? Surely there are more integral needs to know in order to find true happiness than purpose? I don’t think so. Purpose is a gift that enhances our quality of life. What are we, if we do not have an aim in life? What is a life led without goals and motivation? If true purpose fails to connect us with what we need and each other, then we are rudderless to navigate our lives. Directionless with our dreams and empty of drive and determination.

But don’t just take my word for it, research shows we are engineered to have purpose because it generates a sense of wellbeing compared to those who are purposeless. We are happy when we have a reason to motivate us in life. Whether this is a spiritual, emotional or financial purpose, the act of moving towards a destination gives us reason to battle the tough times, helps us to master resilience and encourages us to hold on to hope.

For some purpose is finding a life partner, maybe having children, could be a career, self-development, generating wealth or building connections within our communities and each other. Purpose is individual and intrinsic to your needs and wants. Having a sense of purpose gives us a balanced meaning to our existence. It allows us to allocate time and resources to goals and dreams. And dreams create passion and energy. We all need to be excited about something, no matter if that drive is to feel better, care for our wellbeing, imagine a better life or to invent something truly amazing. Purpose is passion. And a life without passion is an empty vision.

So, what happens when we are purposeless? Just like Mo in my book, without having a destination to inspire us, we can easily give up, feeling lost and confused what direction we should take to find happiness. We start to experience apathy when our dreams disappear. It seeps in through the cracks of despair as we grow increasingly aimless. Depression is the outcome of a life that has lost meaning and motivation. Purpose is a salvation to hopelessness and a remedy for low moods. Knowing what gives you passion and purpose is the secret to true success.

Ikigai (the Japanese term for reason for being and a philosophy of finding happiness), is correlated with a sense of purpose and longevity. According to research those of us who connect with a strong sense of purpose are more likely to live longer, have less heart disease and be resilient in life (BlueZones). Having said that, it isn’t enough just to have a general, vague purpose to improve your health, a purpose with passion is the key. For the people in the research purpose included family, fishing or regular exercise that connected the mind and body and fulfilled a sense of joy. These studies indicated that having purpose is a protective factor for human beings.

The links with who we are and what we do are essential elements of having positive purpose in our lives. If we extend this out of ourselves and embrace our communities with purpose than the destination of wellbeing becomes a global need that could benefit us all. And having meaning is infectious. We are better lovers, family members and work colleagues when we are driven by our passions and celebrate a life full of meaning and motivation. When purpose becomes a unilateral destination then we can change the world.

Here are my tips on creating your purpose and in this way defining a destination of physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

How to have purpose.

  • Write a list of things you enjoy. Make a plan to learn, master or at least try as many as you can.

  • Define what you are passionate about (spiritually, creatively, physically, morally and ethically) and incorporate at least one of these passions into your everyday life.

  • Do not give up on a dream. Purpose is about resilience and mastery, a dream can be rearranged, reshaped and reinvented, but don’t give up on the passion to achieve.

  • Have a mental destination. And then another one. And then another one.

  • Link your purpose with other parts of your life. Isolation is defeating for true happiness, so your purpose needs to benefit other areas of your life and connect you to others.

  • Your purpose does not need to be huge. It can be to love with an open heart, to live in authenticity, to share your knowledge and wisdom. Find purpose in the small and every day activities around you.

Now, I have fulfilled my purpose of explaining the pieces of the jigsaw to happiness from my book Life Works When. Stay tuned for the next blog on Belonging as the third part of the puzzle to a successful life.

Exploring Life Works When – A story of piecing happiness together for a successful life.

Now if you’ve read my parable on the happiness jigsaw of life you’d know self-care is one of the first steps to building a platform of wellness, so you can find and maintain a happier life. And if you have my book and completed the Happiness Assessment then the next few blogs are going to help explain and guide you through your jigsaw of Happiness, by exploring what those steps mean in greater detail. Have a look where you rated SELF CARE compared to the other pieces of the jigsaw. Is it something you need to rethink or balance in your life?
Recently I was at a friend’s book launch and her guest speaker said something that resonated with me. He said, “When people tell me they don’t have time, I hear that they are too lazy to make time.”

There were a lot of surprised (and perhaps resentful faces), at the implication that us time poor people could be labelled lazy. And yet I think he was right on the money.

What I think he meant was the effort and challenge to put aside time to do things that can benefit us, may take a little longer than a sound bite or reading an affirmation. We are very clever at shoving what we really need to do in the back of our minds if it requires a perception of too much effort. We fill our lives with distractions and ‘must do’ lists without thinking of allocating time and effort to other important things. Squeezing in our basic needs between other accomplishments we deem more valuable to our life progress. Like putting of reading a book that could improve our understanding of life or ourselves. We are masters at excusing ourselves from the hard stuff.

This concept of time, laziness and choice is integral to the idea of SELF CARE.

I chose SELF CARE as the first piece of the puzzle to HAPPINESS to draw attention to the importance of self-love, for without accomplishing self-love we struggle to cope with the blunt bruising world out there. And by self-love, I don’t mean self-obsession or self-promotion. I mean liking yourself, warts and all. Finding a softness in your vulnerabilities and mistakes. Seeing your soul in the mirror instead of only focusing on the body it came in. SELF CARE is the daily continued focus on looking after yourself. From what you eat and drink, to grooming and hygiene and even your surrounds. SELF CARE is taking time to care for yourself. Slow it down. See yourself as a whole being rather than parts. Stop defining your worthiness as how you look and expand it to include incorporating a kindness for the inside and out.

This means it is okay to step out of our hectic lives, down tools and look after ourselves. Find the time to love who you are.

Want to know a trick? Go and stand in the doorway of your room. Have a look at your environment, no not just outside, I mean around you. Slow down and really look. How clean and organised is your room? Our rooms are like our private mind, it is where the world rarely goes, and the place rarely seen by others. SELF CARE is reflected in this space. If you avoid caring for what you own with value and thoughtfulness, what does that say about your own sense of value? Equally, if your room is so pristine that it lacks personality, again what does that say about you? About the time you spend in your private world, mentally, physically and spiritually?

We have all seen a street with a house that is dishevelled and uncared for. Immediately we sense that the people living there don’t have time ( or maybe judge harshly are too lazy), to look after what they own. They don’t prioritise what they have, even if it is a rundown house. They are sending a message of the lack of self-care they have for themselves and their environment. And we read it easily and agree. SELF CARE is a statement of worth and when undernourished and abandoned seeps out into the world and into our environments. How we treat ourselves sooner or later is demonstrated by how we live and treat the wider spaces we live in.

How about personal hygiene? Do you groom and clean your physical self with care and love? Taking time to nourish the skin you are in? Find the time to maintain your wellbeing in basic ways?

What about that mind of yours? How often do you set aside time to expand your knowledge of self? Question your direction and purpose? Challenge your thinking and reactions to improve your interpersonal and self-development? None of us have all the answers and understand ourselves completely, so finding time to continue a quest for wisdom is important for our personal growth.

And don’t get me started on what we put into our bodies? Do you swallow a myriad of vitamins and concoctions to improve your health because it is quicker than spending time eating fruit or preparing a nutritious meal? Telling ourselves that tablets are time effective ways to nourish our bodies in our busy lives.

SELF CARE as the first piece of the HAPPINESS JIGSAW is a basic and important skill that will support you through life. It will help keep you physically strong, have a sense of your value, demonstrate to the world your own worthiness and create feelings of pride and accomplishment throughout your life.

So, let’s not be lazy with our time. Let’s create moments to SELF CARE. Check in with ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually to see how we are going. Look around our environment both personally and beyond to see and then create a true reflection of our worthiness. It is time to SELf CARE and make a statement that you are ready to build the platform of happiness to take you through this long and wonderful life.

And don’t forget to get my book Life Works When- A story of piecing happiness together for a successful life to follow and explore the other pieces of the jigsaw of happiness.

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’

– George Bernard Shaw

Now before you read on, this isn’t a ‘let’s hate Facebook’ monologue at all.
My own belief is that everything, when balanced, including social media, is good for us. For my generation, we are still safe from the intrusion of technology on our human skills. For the rest of you, well, don’t say you haven’t been warned. For all the social media and Facebook addicts out there, the data is coming in and it is not good news.

We are starting to get the results from research completed on our obsession with social media. There is a new problem diagnosed and it has a name – VIRTUAL AUTISM. Coined from research in France on autistic disorders and the impact of social media on babies and toddlers, the term virtual autism applies to the robbing of toddlers of normal social development by handing these new impressionable human beings, screens to occupy them. Screens instead of human interaction and learning. Screens instead of emotional facial reading and modelling. Screens instead of conversation, developing an understanding of eye contact, facial expression and tone of voice. The bad news is that introducing screens excessively is diminishing the next generation of toddler’s ability to read social language and understand facial and body language.

The good news is the solution is to take the screens off them and replace it with parental and carer interactions and games (think peek-a-boo). This teaches our toddlers and babies how to read our emotions through seeing our faces and interpreting the facial expressions. Okay, there may be a tantrum or ten, but change will always be a challenge. Even if you are five.

The thing is, if you don’t get on to it now, it doesn’t stop there. Once we introduce screens as a natural part of our social and interpersonal evolution, it becomes normalised for all interactions. Ending in an emerging generational problem of underdeveloped social skills.

When I told my daughter this, she was quick to defend her cohort of Facebook users as having good social skills. ‘We do communicate in person,’ she pouted at me. I wanted to, (but selected not to), remind my daughter her ‘horrible’ mother refused to allow Facebook or social media or iPhone until she was 15. Cruel, I know. But the method to my madness. The result is she does have very good communication skills. She reads facial and body language exceptionally well and is a great negotiator in conflict. (Yes, alright, sometimes having a psychologist as a parent can help, not hinder!). The point is, her social brain was allowed to develop naturally without the overload of ‘social screen interpersonal replacement,’ that can be detrimental to learning and using facial, body and language skills. And she survived, begrudgingly of course, without a screen in her hand 24/365.

I am sure anyone under 21 will be equally offended by this article, as my daughter was in that moment. But hold on a minute. Before you dismiss what I’m saying, stay with me. Facebook and social media (including online gaming) have positive outcomes for our social self in terms of increased interactions and bonding. They also provide vital social access for isolated, disabled or other individuals who find real-life social activities difficult or overwhelming. But like anything that stimulates the brain, too much of a good thing creates problems and increases dependency.

New research by the University of the Sunshine Coast, comparing 200 individuals born into a world obsessed with social media (think particularly Facebook and include Snapchat or Instagram ) against those who grew up without social media, has shed disturbing light on the possible loss of a generation of some vital human skills.

The results indicated that those who spend a large amount of time on social media, particularly Facebook, were exhibiting traits similar to people with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. This is serious. Most notably the significantly important skill slowly vanishing from our abilities was the capacity to read facial expressions and emotions, accurately. Anyone starting to panic yet? I mean, how can we lose the art of basic communication so easily?

Now, if you’ve met me you’d know this has been a topic of growing concern with under 21-year-olds for some time. A large percentage of my clients seeking psychological support has focused on increasing anxiety (social) and depression (isolation). Most, but not all, of the issues of anxiety are centred on a growing generational inability to accurately read social cues, understand social language and interpret social body and facial language in real life. Poor skills in this area contribute to feeling isolated, inadequate and devalued.

What is left is misunderstanding, miscuing and misinterpretation. In turn, this leads to social confusion, unrealistic and wrongly applied grudges, unresolved conflict due to inability to read situations effectively and increased arguments based on poor communication. The inability to understand what went wrong and have the skills for successful repairing interpersonal problems is a massive issue, in as far as being an effective and happy human being.

In my book, Life Works When – A story of piecing happiness together for a successful life, the piece of happiness called Belonging is a major part of finding happiness. Any reduction in our ability to communicate effectively with each other impacts on our sense of belonging and desire to belong. Unresolved this social fallout impacts our social, psychological and physical well being. Our mental health suffers, depression creeps in and social isolation develops.

Dr Rachael Sharman, a senior psychology lecturer at USC, said in a recent interview, she believes our brains are not ready to ‘deal with the dramatic shift in technology’. Yet, technology is not going to slip into neutral gear while we all catch up. We are ill prepared to understand what serious social media use will have on us long term, on the interpersonal interactions and behaviour of the next generation. What we know now is the ability to read facial expressions and emotions, accurately, is one human skill we are forfeiting for screen dependency. And these dying skills are connected to our levels of social anxiety and depression.

Is it time we introduce Human Skills into our education curriculum to balance the social eradication of being able to read each other’s expressions and emotions?

Are we becoming too literal as our skills for the abstract and the use of the creative places of our minds are replaced by text and twitter speak?

What is the future impact of a generation of people more at ease communicating through a screen than in person?

What correlation does the diminishing of real-life human skills have on our mental health?

Where we lose the ability to read each other in social settings with accuracy, we lose the art of compassion, communication, conflict resolution and creative thinking.

So what can we do? Like with the toddlers, the solution is relatively easy.

  • Limit your screen time to balance with real interpersonal interactions.

  • Make sure your social skills are updated and accurate.

  • Re-train in your human skills.

  • Call instead of text, to practice your communication ability in real time.

  • Avoid or seriously limit giving any children under 10 screens as a substitute for other natural interactions or learning.

  • Say no to screens, you are the adult, not the child, so the authority to make the choice.

  • Model effective social skills, if you don’t know how to seek advice and training.

  • Check your own obsession with your social media.

  • Don’t assume everyone understands facial, body and language cues, including yourself.

  • Be strong enough to cope with the tantrum to children and adolescents who demand excessive screens and social media use.

  • Seek help if you struggle to implement any of these.

If you want to know if your screen time is excessive and impacting on your wellbeing, subscribe to my email and you can complete the screen checklist and find out.

Until then, turn off and tune in to the real world for a little while.

The benefits will be lifelong.

6 Skills That You C.C.C.A.A.N Strive Towards.

Here are some of my essential skills to supercharge your self-development. Last time we looked at Courage, Connection and Compassion. This time we are focusing on Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. Let's see how many you can tick off your list and how many could be a new focus for you.

Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity Authenticity

Authenticity is a must for supercharging our self-development. It forces us to grow, mature and is a vital human skill for managing life and all our relationships. Being genuine and real are desired and desirable qualities that can elevate our self-development and understanding of who we truly are. Steven Joseph PhD defines authentic people as;

  • Having realistic perceptions of reality.

  • Are accepting of themselves and of other people.

  • Thoughtful.

  • Having a non-hostile sense of humour.

  • Able to express their emotions freely and clearly.

  • Open to learning from their mistakes.

  • Understanding their motivations.

Equally inauthentic people show the following characteristics.

  • Are self-deceptive and unrealistic in their perceptions of reality.

  • Look to others for approval and to feel valued.

  • Are judgemental of other people.

  • Do not think things through clearly.

  • Have a hostile sense of humour.

  • Are unable to express their emotions freely and clearly.

  • Are not open to learning from their mistakes.

  • Do not understand their motivations.

Authenticity is a real way to supercharge your self-development and a challenging process to discover who you are and be able to face the world and act with value and integrity.

Altruism

Supercharging your self-development means you need to demonstrate (rather than give lip service to) your ability to act in ways to increase the quality of life for other human beings and be concerned for the happiness of others. These acts can be materialistic, emotional and spiritual but are focused on the benefit of others to improve their circumstance.

Dale Miller in his research The Norm of Self Interest believed all human behaviour was and should be, driven by selfish motivations. Miller proposed that a 'norm exists in Western cultures that specifies self-interest both is and ought to be a powerful determinant of behaviour. This norm influences people's actions and opinions as well as the accounts they give for their actions and opinions. It leads people to act and speak as though they care more about their material self-interest than they do.' However although in western cultures we may act and speak as if our self-interests are the only thing that matters to us, the reality is quite different.

The 2016 World Giving index registered billions of people all over the world giving time, money and offering help to strangers, even when they themselves were struggling. They did these acts of kindness and altruism with the expectation they would receive nothing in return. Consumerism and economic drive make us think in ways that push us away from compassion, generosity and altruistic acts when it is human nature to want and demonstrate kindness. In fact, caring and giving for each other is integral to who we are. The real norm is altruistic interest which research has shown improves our wellbeing in many ways. In fact, altruism improves our lives by the following ways;

  • Helper's High

    Researchers have consistently found that people report a significant happiness boost after doing kind deeds for others. Giving to charity activates brain regions associated with pleasure, social connection, trust and may trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, giving us a "helper's high."

  • Mental and Physical Benefits

    Acts of altruism such as spending money on others and volunteering may lower our blood pressure, reduce aches and pains, give us better overall physical health, and less depression. Older people who volunteer or regularly help friends or relatives have a significantly lower chance of dying. Researcher Stephen Post reports that altruism even improves the health of people with chronic illnesses such as HIV and multiple sclerosis.

  • Makes Financial Value

    Research indicates that altruists may receive financial rewards for their kindness as others will feel compelled to reward their kindness. In donating money to charity businesses, are seen as more valuable in the eyes of their customers and the society as a whole.

  • Improve your love life

    David Buss surveyed more than 10,000 people across 37 cultures and found out kindness was the most important quality in choosing your partner. This was across all cultures and a universal similarity. Research has also found altruists have more sex.

  • Cure for addiction?

    People with serious addictions who choose to help others, even in small ways, improve their chances of staying sober and avoiding

  • Belonging

    Altruism builds social connections. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky believes, that 'being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably [and this] fosters a heightened sense of interdependence and cooperation in your social community.'

  • Be smarter

    Using altruistic learning in class with a solid curriculum incorporating real-world community service improves academic performance and connectivity to the school community. Cooperative learning promotes positive relationships, better psychological health, and those students are less likely to bully.

In other words, promoting self-interests over altruistic interests isn't necessarily how we really behave, what we really believe and isn't mentally, physically or financially better for us. Supercharging your self-development means avoiding this cultural inclination or false belief and focus on being open and upfront about how you care for others and what you do for others.

Neuroplasticity

We've all heard about the brain that changes, how we can create new pathways and structures in that grey matter. This new research contradicted old ways of how we thought about ourselves and our brains. We are not stuck with how our brains work. We now know that with the right tools and determination we can alter some parts of our thinking and brain behaviour.

The term Neuroplasticity (or brain plasticity or neural plasticity) is by definition the ability of the brain to change throughout our lives. We have found out that our brain activity, in some but not all areas, can be transferred to a different location, our actual grey matter can change, and synapses can be strengthened or weakened. Things that can affect the changes are

behaviour, environment, or neural processes. We can follow how the brain engages in synaptic pruning. This means our brains can actively delete some neural connections that are no longer necessary or useful. In the same way, we can strengthen the connections we need.

This is important when we are talking about the effects of negative thinking because it demonstrates how what we think can change our brain. Knowing how to strengthen, grow and flex our ability to change our thoughts means we can be 'better salespeople and better athletes, and learn to love the taste of broccoli, treat eating disorders, lower our risk of dementia by 60% and help us discover our true essence of joy and peace.'

Training the brain to think differently alters our mood, beliefs and quality of life.

We can literally grow happiness.

So, we have been talking about the CCCAAN of supercharging your self-development. Why not pick one of the six ways to improve who you are and focus on building that strength, your human skill. Once you have conquered that superpower, begin on your next skill.

Remember that brain of yours is ready and designed for change, and now is as good a time as any to find out how much you can change and grow.

References:

EFA Employee Family resources

https://www.compassion.com/about/what-is-compassion.htm

US Berkley College greater good magazine

Dale Miller (1996) The Norm of Self Interest

Steven Jospe PhD

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky

In business speak, we define the skills we have in the workplace as soft or hard skills. Soft skills, in simple terms, means the growth of ‘personal attributes that enable you to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people.’ Hard skills are seen as techniques, strategies, knowledge and skills you learn or are taught to perform in your working career.

We usually talk in terms of soft skills when we are discussing workplaces, employees and leadership qualities. This is because soft skills are about improved and increased people skills that enhance performance in teams and in management or leadership positions. They complement the hard skills we bring to our profession. A person with excellent soft skills is more likely to navigate through the complex communications, interactions and conflicts found in workplaces, with higher levels of success, than perhaps, someone with less advanced soft skills. It can be the difference between career advancement or not.

Recent research by the Melbourne Graduate School of Education, released this year, brought to light that over the past 10 years, soft skills in general, seem to be falling below expectations and for many population groups learning these basic human skills will be the difference between where they want to be in life and if they will achieve it.

These abilities, which I call human skills, are increasingly neglected in the generations coming through. Not only that, but there is a universal ignorance about how important these skills are, in fact as important as the hard skills we are so focused on learning and teaching. These human skills are vital to increasing your opportunities for a successful, happy life and a long career. They are integral to bonding in, and to, our communities and societies.

Human skills need human interactions.

Of course, the reduction in our ability to practice our human skills hasn’t been helped by our increasing reliance on technology, that separates us from interacting with each other in the same spaces. Human skills need to be practised in real life. Not through a screen. There are enough indications that these human skills, or rather those who have them, will be more likely to have success in life, love and their chosen career paths. These skills make us, as human beings, more adaptable, flexible and adventurous in an ever-changing and complicated world. Our focus needs to be as much on learning and becoming skilful with human skills, as it is with hard skills. Particularly as we continue to rely on more online and phone-based communications.

So, what are they, these essential human skills for success that we somehow continue to neglect or are devalued in light of other abilities? What are the skills we need that exceed the workplace focus and are essential to having authentic, long-lasting success?

Innovation

The first skill we need for longevity in a successful life is innovation. Let’s shift this definition away from a business model which is focused on creating a product that is novel or new, and look at it as a human skill. Okay, not all of us have creative brains that can come up with the next big thing, but innovation is not just about creating a new product, it is about making a meaningful impact on society. It is about learning how to use new ideas or even to create the new ideas yourself. Innovation is mental risk-taking. Intelligence used for discovery of something new. In human skill terms, we are talking about self-development. New ways of being yourself. New ideas about authenticity and self-belief. New challenges in developing, changing and growing in this life. Innovation, as a human skill, is about creating new from within ourselves and producing a better, more effective and more adaptive self as we grow. Innovation, in an interpersonal sense, is about finding better solutions to your existing problems. Trying a different approach. Being innovative when dealing with others. Innovation can be about how we articulate our needs to produce a new result in relationships and in our lives. The goal of innovation is to solve an existing issue with a new approach, idea, skill or to introduce a different way of being in the situation.

Communication.

Communication is the second human skill we need for a successful life. Being an effective communicator is more difficult than we think. Hence so many articles and books are written on how to interconnect with each other. This is because it is a balance between your needs and wants and the other persons needs and wants. It is a highly skilled ability to be clear, articulate and in control of your emotions, when talking (and even more so when arguing), with others. I continually hear from clients, “I am a good communicator,” or “I have no problem expressing myself” or “I’m not afraid of talking about things”. Yet they seem to miss the skills to take those conversations to a positive end and resolve them with a capacity for learning. Or know when a conversation is not needed, when not to share and when to listen. Communication is about an interaction with another human being, not just talking or expressing your viewpoint, irrelevant of the listeners’ needs. (For more on different skills from courageous conversations to assertive versus aggressive communication, see my recent article How to be assertive without upsetting others.).

There is a vast difference between the skill of communicating online or via texting than sitting in the room with another person and expressing yourself or letting them express their side of the story.

So many clients present with very high levels of anxiety, when put in real-life versus online situations, where they must converse in person. They become overwhelmed with the things a screen cannot prepare you for or teach you to interpret and manage. Body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, these are human skills that can turn a talk into an argument if not mastered. A difficult conversation into a productive one. Not knowing this human skill can lead to serious misinterpretation of what another human being is trying to say or do. Reading the nonverbal language is a human skill just as important as having learnt the verbal language. Communication is so much more than words. To be successful in this world knowing how to communicate is vital. From family to teachers, to employers, to friends, to lovers, to children, the better we are at hearing, reading and talking to others, the more successful we become.

Problem-solving

I prefer the term solution finding, but knowing how to resolve issues is the third human skill essential to finding success. Technology does some amazing things. It links us to the world and information we could never normally access. We can travel to exotic places, see concerts from bands playing in other countries, experience space, play games that are so real it’s spooky, and meet people from all over the world. Technology has increased our processing speed. We consume data in a way we have never before. We are quicker, better and more adaptable in dexterity and in analysing information. However, everything is about balance and compromise. Just as we are excelling in some cognitions with the aid of technology, so are other cognitions weakening. What we are losing, amongst all this incredible knowledge and experience technology gives us, is the skill for creative problem-solving.

Our reliance on technology to provide or compute answers from simple queries to more complex solution finding tasks is leaving the very human skill of problem-solving, neglected and underutilised.

We are becoming less apt at using our imagination and creativity, to get out of sticky situations or to find solutions to normal issues we come across in life. We are actually losing the human skill to resolve problems and find effective solutions, on our own. The repercussions are significant in managing our personal interactions, resilience building and coping strategies. These are abilities directly related to confidence, anxiety, stress and depression. This human skill defines how well we can cope with the day to day hustle of life, as well as the traumatic experiences that are part of being human in this world.

Collaboration

The final human skill we need for future success is collaboration. This means the art of how to get along with others and be tolerant of people’s quirks, views and habits. We need to work on learning how to connect and work with others in life. From within families, to friendship groups and work teams, learning how to collaborate makes the difference between forming bonds with others and not. For example, a basic exercise in collaboration happened not so long ago in my life. While on holiday, much to the horror of my children, the house we rented did not have internet access and was out of range for our wi-fi. After the initial shock, we had to learn to collaborate in the evenings over what DVD to watch. It was an exercise in compromise and working with each other. Usually, if someone doesn’t want to watch a program or movie, they can wander off or view something on their own screens. Not here. We spent time talking and discussing what each of us wanted, collaborating to come to an agreement. It was interesting and a reminder of how easy it is to take a non-collaborative option in our world. How we navigate through compromise, negotiations and self-sacrificing (where feasible), is a very human skill that is undervalued.

We collaborate so we can produce something of value. In human skill terms, it means how we work within groups, (like our community) and the bigger society we belong to. Team sports are a perfect demonstration of collaboration. It just happens that often we leave these skills on the playing field or court and forget that it is a general human skill that can be implemented everywhere. It is a concept bigger than ourselves. We need to collaborate with neighbours, communities, societies and countries. Working with others is about understanding what it takes to reach a united goal and the value of partnerships. How to form an alliance and have loyalty to others. Collaboration is about participation. It can start with forming a partnership with parents by helping around the house as a way to contribute to the family. It can develop into a skill that grows to negotiating within friendship groups at school. It becomes important as we mature and form alliances at work. It is essential to participate in social and global issues.

Collaboration is not a ‘me’ concept it an ‘us’ idea.

There you have it. If you want to be successful in whatever is your passion or dream, these four human skills are a necessity to master. They will solidify your ability to resolve, adapt and be flexible in your interpersonal relationships. They will teach you how to be a mental risk taker for positive outcomes and challenges. They will push you to think beyond your own value and how you connect, interact and connect to the people around you and the society you are part of. They will teach you the art of interacting, communication and reading people in real life situations. Human skills are a basic necessity, to achieve a successful and happier life.

Research: Life Patterns Ten years following Generation Y by Melbourne Graduate School of Education (2008-2018)

 

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I was at a networking group the other day. I don't often go to these things as I am lucky enough that my network is made up of recommendations and incidental meetings. But it is good to go to these opportunities, you never know who you might meet or what you might learn. For most of the group, it appeared beneficial. Lots of connections and talking and assimilating into like-minded groups. For me, I walked away with meeting a few really interesting (and fun) professionals that I am looking forward to catching up and co-mentoring in the near future. However, as I wandered around this large group of professionals, in an informal setting, I was struck by a few who appeared to have mistaken assertive ways of interacting with aggressive. I have to say how surprised I was at the lack of professional insight many of the group demonstrated. How little skill many had in communicating their needs efficiently and clearly. How many did not know (or chose to ignore), the difference between aggressive and assertive interactions. It is these, admittedly unwitting, people and their aggressive conversation style, that has inspired this month's blog.

 

There is a vast difference between being eager, assertive or aggressive in our communication style. When we are eager we strongly want to do or have something. It makes us appear a little impatient but full of hope and passion.

We express eagerness in our expressions and tone of voice, as we show our listener that we are keenly expectant or really interested, in their topic or company. Sometimes it can become annoying to the person you are talking to if the eagerness develops into pestering or aggressiveness. Be eager, but don't let that passion tip into aggressiveness.

Aggressive, on the other hand, is where we express what we say without thinking about the wellbeing of the person we are engaged in conversation with. It is a harmful style of communicating that can make others feel socially anxious and make their opinion of you diminished. Aggressive is about dismissing the needs of someone else by belittling their confidence.

Sometimes we can get confused between aggressive and assertive styles of conversation. Let's make it clearer. When you are being assertive you are expressing an opinion and showing respect towards your listener and yourself, at the same time. When you are being aggressive, your style of interpersonal skill is to ignore, denigrate, bully or attack your listeners' opinion, particularly if it contradicts your own.

It is very easy to slip into a passive style of talking (don't state your opinion at all) when you are confronted by aggressive people in social settings. They can blindside you and intimidate you. But it's not okay for others to push your opinions down so, they can feel superior.

Here are some ways you can start to practice being less aggressive and more assertive, particularly professionally, but also in your day to day interactions.

1. Active Listening

Let's start with paying attention. If you are actively listening to the speaker then you can begin to understand what they are trying to communicate and reduce inadvertent feelings that you are disengaged. Not being present when listening to someone can make people defensive and then aggressive. Be a participant in the conversation.

2. No is not a bad word!

When did saying no to someone equate with being unhealthily selfish? 'No' is a part of your speech you need to practice. And use! People pleasing will only get you so far in life and pull you away from being authentic. Saying no is like any new skill. You have to practice it! Use a mirror and watch yourself saying no, let your mind hear it, recognise your face as you say it. No need to shout it at your listener, however, keep it calm, sincere and reasonable in the way you speak. I don't mean run around saying no willy-nilly, either. When you feel compromised or uncomfortable or bullied into an opinion, that is when the 'no' is needed. Assertiveness means you say this with an understanding that a person's feelings are at stake. So be respectful and maybe add on the reason why you are saying no. Be strong and clear about the 'why'. Remember the idea behind being assertive is not to win or make others feel bad, it is about developing the strength to stay authentic to who you are and what you believe in.

3. Agree to disagree.

If someone is not agreeing with you, that is their right. They don't have to believe in your opinion. Your role is not to bully them into submission either. Agree to disagree. Validate their choice in the conversation and maintain your own belief. Remember, however just being challenged in your opinion is not always a bad thing. Maybe there is growth in learning something new, different or challenging in what they are saying. Be assertive with your own belief but not at the expensive of offending. Keep reasonable and focused.

4. Tone of voice.

Keep that tone in your speech quiet and low (not a threatening growl here), and calm. Breath out and focus on being relaxed. This will take the edge off your speech and imply you are not provoking conflict. When we are assertive rather than aggressive, we can get our point across using the emphasis on content rather than volume. Speak slowly to stay in control. Be mindful of volume to indicate calmness. Be patient if they are not responding to your words. Try not to hesitate too much, it can show uncertainty and doubt.

5. Use 'I'.

Stay with discussing your opinion and needs rather than telling others their opinion and needs. Try to use statements that express your feelings and beliefs by using 'I'. Examples are starting the conversation with 'I think' or 'I feel'. If you are using terms such as, 'you never' or 'you always', you are being aggressive and implying you know more than the person listening does, about themselves. It will immediately create a defensiveness. Stick with what you know, use "I" to frame what you want to express and keep the direction of the conversation focused on you rather dictating to someone what they are feeling or experiencing.

6. Stay to problem solve.

Most people can feel uncomfortable when they are being assertive, particularly when the listener is not responding. To leave the conversation is passive. It is giving in to the aggression of the person you are expressing your needs to. Unless the conversation has quickly escalated to put you at risk (which means you need to place safety over-assertiveness), try to stay until you get the answer you can be satisfied with. Note, I didn't say the answer you want. Assertiveness is about expressing your authenticity. Not about winning or convincing someone of your point of view. Try to continue the conversation in a calm and respectful way until you believe they have heard you clearly. You can ask them to clarify if they have heard you correctly, ask more questions, listen to their answers openly or move the conversation towards options for resolution. The focus is no-one should walk away feeling upset or hurt by the interaction.

7. Avoid guilt trips.

Assertiveness is not about making someone feel bad or guilty about being with you. It is about your need to be authentic, honest, respectful to yourself and to them. Avoid accusations, implying they are wrong or hurtful and keep focused on expressing your opinion being articulate, kind and clear. The interaction you are having must be meaningful and worthwhile. It is about building your authenticity and integrity and leaving your listener with theirs.

8. Practise assertiveness.

Practice. Practice. Can't say it enough. No new skill is learnt on the first try. The brain is a muscle and needs to be worked in order to have an optimum outcome. Use a mirror, friends and family to build your confidence and skills in being assertive. Think of it as part of your toolkit for life. The more assertive you are able to be, the more authentic in this world you will become.

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