6 Skills That You C.C.C.A.A.N Strive Towards.

Here are some of my essential skills to supercharge your self-development. Last time we looked at Courage, Connection and Compassion. This time we are focusing on Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. Let's see how many you can tick off your list and how many could be a new focus for you.

Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity Authenticity

Authenticity is a must for supercharging our self-development. It forces us to grow, mature and is a vital human skill for managing life and all our relationships. Being genuine and real are desired and desirable qualities that can elevate our self-development and understanding of who we truly are. Steven Joseph PhD defines authentic people as;

  • Having realistic perceptions of reality.

  • Are accepting of themselves and of other people.

  • Thoughtful.

  • Having a non-hostile sense of humour.

  • Able to express their emotions freely and clearly.

  • Open to learning from their mistakes.

  • Understanding their motivations.

Equally inauthentic people show the following characteristics.

  • Are self-deceptive and unrealistic in their perceptions of reality.

  • Look to others for approval and to feel valued.

  • Are judgemental of other people.

  • Do not think things through clearly.

  • Have a hostile sense of humour.

  • Are unable to express their emotions freely and clearly.

  • Are not open to learning from their mistakes.

  • Do not understand their motivations.

Authenticity is a real way to supercharge your self-development and a challenging process to discover who you are and be able to face the world and act with value and integrity.

Altruism

Supercharging your self-development means you need to demonstrate (rather than give lip service to) your ability to act in ways to increase the quality of life for other human beings and be concerned for the happiness of others. These acts can be materialistic, emotional and spiritual but are focused on the benefit of others to improve their circumstance.

Dale Miller in his research The Norm of Self Interest believed all human behaviour was and should be, driven by selfish motivations. Miller proposed that a 'norm exists in Western cultures that specifies self-interest both is and ought to be a powerful determinant of behaviour. This norm influences people's actions and opinions as well as the accounts they give for their actions and opinions. It leads people to act and speak as though they care more about their material self-interest than they do.' However although in western cultures we may act and speak as if our self-interests are the only thing that matters to us, the reality is quite different.

The 2016 World Giving index registered billions of people all over the world giving time, money and offering help to strangers, even when they themselves were struggling. They did these acts of kindness and altruism with the expectation they would receive nothing in return. Consumerism and economic drive make us think in ways that push us away from compassion, generosity and altruistic acts when it is human nature to want and demonstrate kindness. In fact, caring and giving for each other is integral to who we are. The real norm is altruistic interest which research has shown improves our wellbeing in many ways. In fact, altruism improves our lives by the following ways;

  • Helper's High

    Researchers have consistently found that people report a significant happiness boost after doing kind deeds for others. Giving to charity activates brain regions associated with pleasure, social connection, trust and may trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, giving us a "helper's high."

  • Mental and Physical Benefits

    Acts of altruism such as spending money on others and volunteering may lower our blood pressure, reduce aches and pains, give us better overall physical health, and less depression. Older people who volunteer or regularly help friends or relatives have a significantly lower chance of dying. Researcher Stephen Post reports that altruism even improves the health of people with chronic illnesses such as HIV and multiple sclerosis.

  • Makes Financial Value

    Research indicates that altruists may receive financial rewards for their kindness as others will feel compelled to reward their kindness. In donating money to charity businesses, are seen as more valuable in the eyes of their customers and the society as a whole.

  • Improve your love life

    David Buss surveyed more than 10,000 people across 37 cultures and found out kindness was the most important quality in choosing your partner. This was across all cultures and a universal similarity. Research has also found altruists have more sex.

  • Cure for addiction?

    People with serious addictions who choose to help others, even in small ways, improve their chances of staying sober and avoiding

  • Belonging

    Altruism builds social connections. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky believes, that 'being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably [and this] fosters a heightened sense of interdependence and cooperation in your social community.'

  • Be smarter

    Using altruistic learning in class with a solid curriculum incorporating real-world community service improves academic performance and connectivity to the school community. Cooperative learning promotes positive relationships, better psychological health, and those students are less likely to bully.

In other words, promoting self-interests over altruistic interests isn't necessarily how we really behave, what we really believe and isn't mentally, physically or financially better for us. Supercharging your self-development means avoiding this cultural inclination or false belief and focus on being open and upfront about how you care for others and what you do for others.

Neuroplasticity

We've all heard about the brain that changes, how we can create new pathways and structures in that grey matter. This new research contradicted old ways of how we thought about ourselves and our brains. We are not stuck with how our brains work. We now know that with the right tools and determination we can alter some parts of our thinking and brain behaviour.

The term Neuroplasticity (or brain plasticity or neural plasticity) is by definition the ability of the brain to change throughout our lives. We have found out that our brain activity, in some but not all areas, can be transferred to a different location, our actual grey matter can change, and synapses can be strengthened or weakened. Things that can affect the changes are

behaviour, environment, or neural processes. We can follow how the brain engages in synaptic pruning. This means our brains can actively delete some neural connections that are no longer necessary or useful. In the same way, we can strengthen the connections we need.

This is important when we are talking about the effects of negative thinking because it demonstrates how what we think can change our brain. Knowing how to strengthen, grow and flex our ability to change our thoughts means we can be 'better salespeople and better athletes, and learn to love the taste of broccoli, treat eating disorders, lower our risk of dementia by 60% and help us discover our true essence of joy and peace.'

Training the brain to think differently alters our mood, beliefs and quality of life.

We can literally grow happiness.

So, we have been talking about the CCCAAN of supercharging your self-development. Why not pick one of the six ways to improve who you are and focus on building that strength, your human skill. Once you have conquered that superpower, begin on your next skill.

Remember that brain of yours is ready and designed for change, and now is as good a time as any to find out how much you can change and grow.

References:

EFA Employee Family resources

https://www.compassion.com/about/what-is-compassion.htm

US Berkley College greater good magazine

Dale Miller (1996) The Norm of Self Interest

Steven Jospe PhD

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky

You C.C.C.A.A.N. be amazing.

In my line of work, one of the common requests I get is about how to enhance who we are and how to get to the next level of self-awareness and development. In the next two blogs, I'm going to help you and give you the six superchargers that will speed up your self-development.

C.C.C.A.A.N stands for Courage, Connection, Compassion, Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. Let's break it down and do three supercharged self-development skills today and three more next month. Our focus is on Courage, Connection, Compassion as supercharges to lift your awareness and ability to enhance your wellbeing. Of course, the amazing thing is it also benefits those around you, so everyone wins, the more we practice our human skills.

Are you ready? then hang on, because this type of supercharging doesn't come easy and will require a few changes to how you live your life and the way you interact with others.

Here are the first three essential skills to supercharge your self-development. Let's see how many you can tick off your list and how many could be a new focus for you.

Courage

We need courage to add to our supercharging self-development. We all understand physical courage. That amazing ability to be brave and strong in the face of threats, hardship, in disasters, emergencies or pain. This kind of courage is a very human and often an instinctual skill. We show physical courage when we work to recover from injury or when we push our bodies to be fitter, healthier or stronger.

Across the world, we have so many examples that demonstrate physical courage. Just think about all those courageous people pushing their limits in sports, dance or disability. How about the physical courage those who sign up to protect us, show on a daily basis, in the face of enormous danger, (shout out and gratitude to all the police, fire brigade, ambulance, army, navy, air force etc.).

Physical courage is pushing our bodies and mental aptitude father than we thought possible, often to better ourselves. Often to help and protect others. Yet do we value moral courage as much?

It is curious how physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." - Mark Twain

Moral courage is equally as brave and challenging and is often seen as a 'higher and a rarer virtue than physical courage'. When we stand up for the rights of others or act in an opposing way in the face of disagreement, we are demonstrating moral courage. In this way, we are brave, as others deny or condemn our values and worth. Moral courage is where we protect and stand up for those under attack, verbally or otherwise. It can be seen as we speak out against unfairness, corruption and deceit. Moral courage stands proud and strong even if it may cause shame or personal loss or rallies against those around you who would prefer compliance and silence.

A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live." - Anonymous

Connection

Our connections and how we develop and cherish them, are another power that can supercharge our self-development. Being connected links us with others and creates a sense of belonging.

Research has continued to show that being with others, family and friends increases your happiness. The EFA article on connectivity reports that 'for over 50 years the impact on social behaviour and longevity conclude that humans are social creatures who require connections with other humans in order to thrive, [and] a lack of social connection is a greater overall health risk than smoking. Being lonely impacts your immune system as well as your susceptibility to anxiety, depression and antisocial behaviours. A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships have a 50% lower risk of mortality.

Being connected, having a sense of belonging is an important part of our human existence. It improves our physical and emotional well-being and positively affects those around us. How we like, love and link with each other is a vital part of supercharging our self-development. It makes us altruistic, capable of supporting and loving others, being selfless and it brings great personal and psychological benefits back to us. Benefits such as acceptance, value, self-esteem, gratitude and a social meaning and role in our lives that can give us purpose, in times when we struggle or feel lost.

Whether your connections are deep and sustaining, by distance or social media, casual connections at work or with your local businesses that you see regularly, being part of the social world, groups and having relationships with other people improves your wellbeing, enhances those around you and develops our resilience learning how to interact and interrelate with each other.

Compassion

The third C in C.C.C.A.A.N is compassion. Compassion is a strong motivator that drives us to help people, offer and seek to assist those around us suffering from emotional, physical, spiritual or financial pain. When we develop compassion, we learn how to be sympathetic towards those less fortunate. It triggers pity for suffering and kindness for the misfortunes of others.

We should not confuse compassion with empathy as the definition of compassion means "to suffer with," meaning we lean into their distress or need rather than acknowledge it. When we sleep out with the homeless to raise awareness, that is a compassionate act. An easier way to recognise your own level of compassion is in your acts of kindness. You can hold open a door, offer assistance, help someone trying to get a stroller down the steps, donate your unwanted items instead of selling them. Compassion is when we offer sympathy to those who have lost and ask how we can help. Business is becoming increasingly aware of how the relationship economy contains compassion as an integral part of brand loyalty and respect.

Let's not forget self-compassion either. This is where we show ourselves kindness for our own circumstances, misfortunes, losses and pitfalls. Where we offer compassion, we must also allow ourselves to receive it with grace and gratitude. Our self-development needs compassion as it keeps us humble and supercharges our humanity.

So, there are the first three human skills of how you C.C.C.A.A.N supercharge your self-development. Next time the focus is going to be on Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. If you don't want to miss out on it subscribe and you'll get a reminder when I'm about to post it.

For now, enjoy putting your awareness to the test and work on your courage, connectivity and compassion.

Achieving equilibrium between lifestyle and employment is tricky.

Work-life balance is concerned with how each aspect of your week is prioritized and managed, not only for wellbeing but also the enhancement of both your work and play. Lifestyle can cover anything outside work, including family, friends, hobbies, pleasure and spiritual development and just getting out and about in a social sense. Getting the balance right can make you happier, healthier and more productive in all aspects of your life.

Now, perhaps I am guilty of struggling to get this right, like a lot of you. Work demands, deadlines and just those unrelenting standards to achieve, can get in the way of common sense. Balance is the key to happiness and happiness encourages us to succeed. So, as I write this, I am thinking how I can actively focus on creating more equilibrium between what I do and who I am. Why not try too?

To get you started here is a checklist to start you thinking about your balance between your job and your life. Find areas that could do with a review!

Be open about your needs

Juggling everything means nothing gets done. Be open about what you need from others, home, friends and family. More to the point, be open with yourself about what you really need. Needs are things that keep us alive and healthy. Wants are things we desire. Try not to confuse the two. Needs are about our relationships and lives. Wants are about our jobs and passions.

Respect boundaries

Respect the boundaries and limitations that others have to maintain their work-life balance. This includes work colleagues and friends and family. Not everyone may want to work as much as you do, and some may like to work so much less. Each of us is allowed to select how we want to find that equilibrium. If your manager says finish at 5, then respect that instruction. If your partner asks you to put away your laptop? Respect their request just as much. Boundaries are moments of definition and clarity. For you and for those around you.

Understand what really matters

What really matters to you? Have you sat down and thought about it? Decide what is important to you and then start to plan how to achieve it. When we become imbalanced in either our work or life, something is over compromised and the outcome is always less than what we desire. Define what you care about and start building towards that, making sure you take a global view on how that goal, job or task will benefit your lifestyle.

Pace yourself

You have a long life to enjoy and a long career to become successful. Stop rushing everything and jumping ahead of yourself. Take time to breathe, reflect, grow and learn. Slow down and enjoy moments over rushing forward, seeking the next achievement. Let others share in your life and career instead of sprinting ahead of everyone.

Learn how to let go of things

Sometimes you just can't get everything done in a day. Or week! Let the pressure to be perfect and those annoying unrelenting standards go. Some things feel urgent but in real life, they can wait until tomorrow. If you can't get all your work tasks, housework, socialising, and hobbies done in one day, so be it. Prioritize and then reschedule, divert and decide to cut yourself some slack. We can make small things into big things by panicking and ruminating. Reach out for help to get small tasks done and learn the art of delegation.

Establish boundaries at work, and stick to them

Don't you just love that colleague who always says yes? Be careful it's not you! Saying yes to every request and suggestion at work will leave you burnt out, taken for granted and feeling overwhelmed and devalued. Maintain a clear and realistic idea of what you can achieve and achieve well, rather than many half-completed tasks. Don't set yourself up for failure by saying yes to requests and demands that exceed your job criteria and place you under unnecessary pressure. Talk to your manager and seek strategies on being professionally assertive if you find these hard. Go to my article How to be assertive without upsetting others. What you need to know. if you need to read more on being assertive.

Prioritize your time

I hear a lot about how little time everyone has, but the truth is there is time to be found in every day and in every week. It's a matter of how you prioritize what you are doing, needing to do and the time you allocate to it. Sometimes you need to make a choice of what is important at home, at work and socially. We spend a lot of wasted minutes and hours which can be used much more effectively if you know how. For tips on managing your time go to my article On Being Time's Friend.

Be healthily selfish about your "me" time

Putting some time aside to relax, think, reflect and do some work on yourself is just as important as doing for others. It can be a few hours a week or a day a month. Find some drop out time where you can just be you and drift or explore your possibilities. Check out my article on self-care and go to What looking after yourself DOESN'T look like. If you need some help here.

Avoid working long hours

Like taking on too many tasks that cannot be finished in a day, you need to stop your working day to allow enough time for your life and the people in it. Avoid habits of being 'on' all the time. Leave your workplace at a suitable time that lets you be with friends and family. They are just as important as that deadline you're worrying about. Working overtime all the time can often be interrupted as an inability to get the job done on time. Be mindful of the message you send when you extend your working hours too often and for too long.

Leave work at work

Hard one this one, I'm the first to admit it! At least 3 days out of 7 (being realistic here!) you need to leave your work and screens on your desk and do something else, notice people around you and work on your non-work identity. The brain needs stimulating and it will get lazy and bored doing the same thing all day every day. Break up your patterns, have a flexible structure to your commitments and adaptive thinking that allows change. In this way, you can challenge the thoughts that you 'must' do the work when you should and could be doing so many other, equally important, activities.

Plan a holiday

Holidays are meant to be taken. Believe it or not. Plan your breaks and holidays and book them in at the beginning of the year. It gives you something to look forward to, commits time to your friends and family and forces you to take time off and have a bit of balance in your life. It lets everyone know that you will be absent from work. It lets your family and friends know that you value time with them, as much as your commitment to work.

Balance is the backbone of a healthy and successful life. It's never too late to reevaluate how you spend your time at work and in life and start to make changes to create a happier experience in both areas of our lives. On saying that, I'm going to save this and then turn my laptop off and go for a long walk on this sunny, winter day. There's my equilibrium!

References:
1) https://goo.gl/nM7uCZ
2) https://goo.gl/nLveHG
3) https://goo.gl/M7vMVK
4) https://goo.gl/xcEadM

Seriously, how hard is it to be unhappy these days. It's like there is something wrong with you if you find life hard or challenging.

Unhappiness, just like happiness is one of the many emotional responses we have as human beings. It is no less valuable. It is equally important. The problem is we aren't talking about it in a healthy way.

We shun unhappiness as if it is the undoing of us all. Unhappiness is a teacher of life. It lets us know when we are on the wrong path. When we are doing things that are unhealthy for us, are with people, jobs, lifestyles that are devaluing, uninspiring or harmful to our experience of life. Somehow in the influx of educating ourselves to be better and more successful, we seemed to have forgotten one small but significant fact of life. We cannot be always positive, and we cannot always avoid unhappiness.

Here's the thing. Shit happens.

No matter how hard you may try to create an unhappy, trauma-free life, unexpected often distressing or devastating things happen. You know that, and after over 16 years of being a psychologist and in the wellbeing business, I can confirm it.

Trauma, unhappiness, disappointment and accidents happen to all of us because we live in a world of chaos full of individual people on their own life tracks. A world of random acts, good and bad. It is how we accept it is a possibility of life, that defines us. We must mentally prepare for these moments, create a defence system to cope with it and build the path through and out the other side. Our focus should not be on thinking we can avoid negative moments, but on how we survive these most unwanted and undesired experiences in life.

Psychologist and life coach Susan David said, "A world that values constant positivity over truth creates false positivity." This is, in essence, a discussion I have had multiple times with my clients over the last decade. It answers the 'why.' Why me? Why them? Why us? A false positivity that nothing will go wrong blinds us to the reality that it just might. Unfortunately, in a world full of unrestrained and unpredictable variables, things do go belly up, that is just the human existence. Some of this we can try to avoid (lifestyle, diet, environmental and relationship choices). Others we cannot (acts of nature, accidents, victims of crime or abuse, war). If we overvalue constant positivity preferring the misbelief that a trauma-free life can be achieved, we set people up for serious disappointment, self-blaming and helplessness. It creates cognitions like, "If the world values positivity and I don't achieve it, I must be valueless and a failure," and "what am I doing wrong that unhappiness is in my life" or "I'm not like those positive trauma-free other people." None of which is productive, true or helpful in managing life.

Robert L. Leahy in his book Emotional Schema Therapy discusses 'the tragic vision'. His theory of tragedy means 'suffering is inevitable; that the mighty can fall; that forces beyond one's control or even imagination can destroy; that injustice is often inevitable; and that the suffering of others matters to oneself because it exemplifies what can happen to anyone.' He is all for building our trauma fortress that will fortify us against these negative moments.

The theory of trauma, the truth of chaos, the tragic vision, the false positivity, or the shit happens approach, whatever you want to call it. Life isn't about avoiding the real stuff. To encourage individuals to believe that constant happiness is first attainable, and second healthy, over the truth that during your lifetime things will go wrong, causing unhappiness, creates a false belief. A false idea that the impossible is possible. This cultural mantra that we can create and sustain constant positivity, means we are encouraging people to ignore the truth. That truth is how we feel, how things impact upon us and how we recover from tragedy. The truth is things do go wrong and we have to cope with failure, disappointment and heartache.

When we create falsehoods, we create an inauthentic world that does not have room for a real life.

False beliefs lead to false expectations, which leads inevitably to great disappointment. We need to be aware of overvaluing perceptions of positivity that can be unfounded or untrue. That we are preferring to believe in a lie than a reality, so, when reality hits, we are unprepared and underskilled to cope. Negative emotional experiences can linger, they can resurface, and they need time and space to emote, processes, learn from and recover. There is a social inference that to be unhappy is to be unhealthy, even when it is real and raw. Unhappiness is not a mental illness.

Life is not about emotional avoidance by creating a false positivity, it is about distress tolerance that allows us to experience and cope with the reality of our lives.

Health psychologist Kelly McGonical articulates the importance of accepting and including stress (a physical and emotional outcome of negative experiences), in our lives as the key to living a longer life. McGonical encourages us to see stress as the body preparing itself for action, to master a challenge, rather than a signal to avoid the stressful event. She believes we should 'chase meaning rather than avoid discomfort.' In other words, we must embrace the knowledge and experience that unhappiness has a purpose. It can bring us to action, connects us to each other, creates opportunities to learn compassion and give support, builds resilience and connects us socially, and is healthier for us, physically, socially and emotionally.

This contradicts the culture we have become attached to that encourages us to believe in and place a clear emphasis on a stress-free, trauma-free, unhappy free existence. An existence that is fantasy, unachievable and, if we follow McGonical's interpretation of research into stress, highly unhealthy for us, as individuals and as a community.

It all depends on how we manage our unhappiness and how we build a worldview that unhappiness will exist and through it, we will learn, step up to the challenge, seek support and support others. In this way, we grow and help those around us grow.

The upshot of this is, the next time you feel less than positive, see it as a moment to show courage, to connect with others and to hear your mind's need to be challenged.

Creating a world of false positivity devalues the very things that make us human and help us be stronger and more capable in a world that offers both the good with the bad.

Overvaluing positivity leads to despair, helplessness and isolation.

The best defence to a real, authentic life is to build your Truth of Positivity team. A team of skills and people and supports that create the 'cone of tragedy' around you, protecting you by upskilling you and keeping life real and your expectations authentic. This team needs:

  • People who have your back and can be there for you.

  • People who you can be there for and have their back.

  • Mental strength and thinking styles that can turn pessimistic thoughts to optimistic thoughts.

  • Social groups and networks that will support you in hard times.

  • Acceptance that sometime during your life, things will go wrong, and you will survive these moments.

  • See the challenge of unhappiness, stress and negativity as an opportunity for growth, health and development.

If your life has recurring or frequent negative experiences, then seek help to evaluate why. There is learning in these moments that you are not taking onboard. View life as a real, unpredictable but totally enjoyable experience. The good and the bad moments are there to challenge and teach you how to be a better human being, for you and for others.

In business speak, we define the skills we have in the workplace as soft or hard skills. Soft skills, in simple terms, means the growth of ‘personal attributes that enable you to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people.’ Hard skills are seen as techniques, strategies, knowledge and skills you learn or are taught to perform in your working career.

We usually talk in terms of soft skills when we are discussing workplaces, employees and leadership qualities. This is because soft skills are about improved and increased people skills that enhance performance in teams and in management or leadership positions. They complement the hard skills we bring to our profession. A person with excellent soft skills is more likely to navigate through the complex communications, interactions and conflicts found in workplaces, with higher levels of success, than perhaps, someone with less advanced soft skills. It can be the difference between career advancement or not.

Recent research by the Melbourne Graduate School of Education, released this year, brought to light that over the past 10 years, soft skills in general, seem to be falling below expectations and for many population groups learning these basic human skills will be the difference between where they want to be in life and if they will achieve it.

These abilities, which I call human skills, are increasingly neglected in the generations coming through. Not only that, but there is a universal ignorance about how important these skills are, in fact as important as the hard skills we are so focused on learning and teaching. These human skills are vital to increasing your opportunities for a successful, happy life and a long career. They are integral to bonding in, and to, our communities and societies.

Human skills need human interactions.

Of course, the reduction in our ability to practice our human skills hasn’t been helped by our increasing reliance on technology, that separates us from interacting with each other in the same spaces. Human skills need to be practised in real life. Not through a screen. There are enough indications that these human skills, or rather those who have them, will be more likely to have success in life, love and their chosen career paths. These skills make us, as human beings, more adaptable, flexible and adventurous in an ever-changing and complicated world. Our focus needs to be as much on learning and becoming skilful with human skills, as it is with hard skills. Particularly as we continue to rely on more online and phone-based communications.

So, what are they, these essential human skills for success that we somehow continue to neglect or are devalued in light of other abilities? What are the skills we need that exceed the workplace focus and are essential to having authentic, long-lasting success?

Innovation

The first skill we need for longevity in a successful life is innovation. Let’s shift this definition away from a business model which is focused on creating a product that is novel or new, and look at it as a human skill. Okay, not all of us have creative brains that can come up with the next big thing, but innovation is not just about creating a new product, it is about making a meaningful impact on society. It is about learning how to use new ideas or even to create the new ideas yourself. Innovation is mental risk-taking. Intelligence used for discovery of something new. In human skill terms, we are talking about self-development. New ways of being yourself. New ideas about authenticity and self-belief. New challenges in developing, changing and growing in this life. Innovation, as a human skill, is about creating new from within ourselves and producing a better, more effective and more adaptive self as we grow. Innovation, in an interpersonal sense, is about finding better solutions to your existing problems. Trying a different approach. Being innovative when dealing with others. Innovation can be about how we articulate our needs to produce a new result in relationships and in our lives. The goal of innovation is to solve an existing issue with a new approach, idea, skill or to introduce a different way of being in the situation.

Communication.

Communication is the second human skill we need for a successful life. Being an effective communicator is more difficult than we think. Hence so many articles and books are written on how to interconnect with each other. This is because it is a balance between your needs and wants and the other persons needs and wants. It is a highly skilled ability to be clear, articulate and in control of your emotions, when talking (and even more so when arguing), with others. I continually hear from clients, “I am a good communicator,” or “I have no problem expressing myself” or “I’m not afraid of talking about things”. Yet they seem to miss the skills to take those conversations to a positive end and resolve them with a capacity for learning. Or know when a conversation is not needed, when not to share and when to listen. Communication is about an interaction with another human being, not just talking or expressing your viewpoint, irrelevant of the listeners’ needs. (For more on different skills from courageous conversations to assertive versus aggressive communication, see my recent article How to be assertive without upsetting others.).

There is a vast difference between the skill of communicating online or via texting than sitting in the room with another person and expressing yourself or letting them express their side of the story.

So many clients present with very high levels of anxiety, when put in real-life versus online situations, where they must converse in person. They become overwhelmed with the things a screen cannot prepare you for or teach you to interpret and manage. Body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, these are human skills that can turn a talk into an argument if not mastered. A difficult conversation into a productive one. Not knowing this human skill can lead to serious misinterpretation of what another human being is trying to say or do. Reading the nonverbal language is a human skill just as important as having learnt the verbal language. Communication is so much more than words. To be successful in this world knowing how to communicate is vital. From family to teachers, to employers, to friends, to lovers, to children, the better we are at hearing, reading and talking to others, the more successful we become.

Problem-solving

I prefer the term solution finding, but knowing how to resolve issues is the third human skill essential to finding success. Technology does some amazing things. It links us to the world and information we could never normally access. We can travel to exotic places, see concerts from bands playing in other countries, experience space, play games that are so real it’s spooky, and meet people from all over the world. Technology has increased our processing speed. We consume data in a way we have never before. We are quicker, better and more adaptable in dexterity and in analysing information. However, everything is about balance and compromise. Just as we are excelling in some cognitions with the aid of technology, so are other cognitions weakening. What we are losing, amongst all this incredible knowledge and experience technology gives us, is the skill for creative problem-solving.

Our reliance on technology to provide or compute answers from simple queries to more complex solution finding tasks is leaving the very human skill of problem-solving, neglected and underutilised.

We are becoming less apt at using our imagination and creativity, to get out of sticky situations or to find solutions to normal issues we come across in life. We are actually losing the human skill to resolve problems and find effective solutions, on our own. The repercussions are significant in managing our personal interactions, resilience building and coping strategies. These are abilities directly related to confidence, anxiety, stress and depression. This human skill defines how well we can cope with the day to day hustle of life, as well as the traumatic experiences that are part of being human in this world.

Collaboration

The final human skill we need for future success is collaboration. This means the art of how to get along with others and be tolerant of people’s quirks, views and habits. We need to work on learning how to connect and work with others in life. From within families, to friendship groups and work teams, learning how to collaborate makes the difference between forming bonds with others and not. For example, a basic exercise in collaboration happened not so long ago in my life. While on holiday, much to the horror of my children, the house we rented did not have internet access and was out of range for our wi-fi. After the initial shock, we had to learn to collaborate in the evenings over what DVD to watch. It was an exercise in compromise and working with each other. Usually, if someone doesn’t want to watch a program or movie, they can wander off or view something on their own screens. Not here. We spent time talking and discussing what each of us wanted, collaborating to come to an agreement. It was interesting and a reminder of how easy it is to take a non-collaborative option in our world. How we navigate through compromise, negotiations and self-sacrificing (where feasible), is a very human skill that is undervalued.

We collaborate so we can produce something of value. In human skill terms, it means how we work within groups, (like our community) and the bigger society we belong to. Team sports are a perfect demonstration of collaboration. It just happens that often we leave these skills on the playing field or court and forget that it is a general human skill that can be implemented everywhere. It is a concept bigger than ourselves. We need to collaborate with neighbours, communities, societies and countries. Working with others is about understanding what it takes to reach a united goal and the value of partnerships. How to form an alliance and have loyalty to others. Collaboration is about participation. It can start with forming a partnership with parents by helping around the house as a way to contribute to the family. It can develop into a skill that grows to negotiating within friendship groups at school. It becomes important as we mature and form alliances at work. It is essential to participate in social and global issues.

Collaboration is not a ‘me’ concept it an ‘us’ idea.

There you have it. If you want to be successful in whatever is your passion or dream, these four human skills are a necessity to master. They will solidify your ability to resolve, adapt and be flexible in your interpersonal relationships. They will teach you how to be a mental risk taker for positive outcomes and challenges. They will push you to think beyond your own value and how you connect, interact and connect to the people around you and the society you are part of. They will teach you the art of interacting, communication and reading people in real life situations. Human skills are a basic necessity, to achieve a successful and happier life.

Research: Life Patterns Ten years following Generation Y by Melbourne Graduate School of Education (2008-2018)

 

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I was at a networking group the other day. I don't often go to these things as I am lucky enough that my network is made up of recommendations and incidental meetings. But it is good to go to these opportunities, you never know who you might meet or what you might learn. For most of the group, it appeared beneficial. Lots of connections and talking and assimilating into like-minded groups. For me, I walked away with meeting a few really interesting (and fun) professionals that I am looking forward to catching up and co-mentoring in the near future. However, as I wandered around this large group of professionals, in an informal setting, I was struck by a few who appeared to have mistaken assertive ways of interacting with aggressive. I have to say how surprised I was at the lack of professional insight many of the group demonstrated. How little skill many had in communicating their needs efficiently and clearly. How many did not know (or chose to ignore), the difference between aggressive and assertive interactions. It is these, admittedly unwitting, people and their aggressive conversation style, that has inspired this month's blog.

 

There is a vast difference between being eager, assertive or aggressive in our communication style. When we are eager we strongly want to do or have something. It makes us appear a little impatient but full of hope and passion.

We express eagerness in our expressions and tone of voice, as we show our listener that we are keenly expectant or really interested, in their topic or company. Sometimes it can become annoying to the person you are talking to if the eagerness develops into pestering or aggressiveness. Be eager, but don't let that passion tip into aggressiveness.

Aggressive, on the other hand, is where we express what we say without thinking about the wellbeing of the person we are engaged in conversation with. It is a harmful style of communicating that can make others feel socially anxious and make their opinion of you diminished. Aggressive is about dismissing the needs of someone else by belittling their confidence.

Sometimes we can get confused between aggressive and assertive styles of conversation. Let's make it clearer. When you are being assertive you are expressing an opinion and showing respect towards your listener and yourself, at the same time. When you are being aggressive, your style of interpersonal skill is to ignore, denigrate, bully or attack your listeners' opinion, particularly if it contradicts your own.

It is very easy to slip into a passive style of talking (don't state your opinion at all) when you are confronted by aggressive people in social settings. They can blindside you and intimidate you. But it's not okay for others to push your opinions down so, they can feel superior.

Here are some ways you can start to practice being less aggressive and more assertive, particularly professionally, but also in your day to day interactions.

1. Active Listening

Let's start with paying attention. If you are actively listening to the speaker then you can begin to understand what they are trying to communicate and reduce inadvertent feelings that you are disengaged. Not being present when listening to someone can make people defensive and then aggressive. Be a participant in the conversation.

2. No is not a bad word!

When did saying no to someone equate with being unhealthily selfish? 'No' is a part of your speech you need to practice. And use! People pleasing will only get you so far in life and pull you away from being authentic. Saying no is like any new skill. You have to practice it! Use a mirror and watch yourself saying no, let your mind hear it, recognise your face as you say it. No need to shout it at your listener, however, keep it calm, sincere and reasonable in the way you speak. I don't mean run around saying no willy-nilly, either. When you feel compromised or uncomfortable or bullied into an opinion, that is when the 'no' is needed. Assertiveness means you say this with an understanding that a person's feelings are at stake. So be respectful and maybe add on the reason why you are saying no. Be strong and clear about the 'why'. Remember the idea behind being assertive is not to win or make others feel bad, it is about developing the strength to stay authentic to who you are and what you believe in.

3. Agree to disagree.

If someone is not agreeing with you, that is their right. They don't have to believe in your opinion. Your role is not to bully them into submission either. Agree to disagree. Validate their choice in the conversation and maintain your own belief. Remember, however just being challenged in your opinion is not always a bad thing. Maybe there is growth in learning something new, different or challenging in what they are saying. Be assertive with your own belief but not at the expensive of offending. Keep reasonable and focused.

4. Tone of voice.

Keep that tone in your speech quiet and low (not a threatening growl here), and calm. Breath out and focus on being relaxed. This will take the edge off your speech and imply you are not provoking conflict. When we are assertive rather than aggressive, we can get our point across using the emphasis on content rather than volume. Speak slowly to stay in control. Be mindful of volume to indicate calmness. Be patient if they are not responding to your words. Try not to hesitate too much, it can show uncertainty and doubt.

5. Use 'I'.

Stay with discussing your opinion and needs rather than telling others their opinion and needs. Try to use statements that express your feelings and beliefs by using 'I'. Examples are starting the conversation with 'I think' or 'I feel'. If you are using terms such as, 'you never' or 'you always', you are being aggressive and implying you know more than the person listening does, about themselves. It will immediately create a defensiveness. Stick with what you know, use "I" to frame what you want to express and keep the direction of the conversation focused on you rather dictating to someone what they are feeling or experiencing.

6. Stay to problem solve.

Most people can feel uncomfortable when they are being assertive, particularly when the listener is not responding. To leave the conversation is passive. It is giving in to the aggression of the person you are expressing your needs to. Unless the conversation has quickly escalated to put you at risk (which means you need to place safety over-assertiveness), try to stay until you get the answer you can be satisfied with. Note, I didn't say the answer you want. Assertiveness is about expressing your authenticity. Not about winning or convincing someone of your point of view. Try to continue the conversation in a calm and respectful way until you believe they have heard you clearly. You can ask them to clarify if they have heard you correctly, ask more questions, listen to their answers openly or move the conversation towards options for resolution. The focus is no-one should walk away feeling upset or hurt by the interaction.

7. Avoid guilt trips.

Assertiveness is not about making someone feel bad or guilty about being with you. It is about your need to be authentic, honest, respectful to yourself and to them. Avoid accusations, implying they are wrong or hurtful and keep focused on expressing your opinion being articulate, kind and clear. The interaction you are having must be meaningful and worthwhile. It is about building your authenticity and integrity and leaving your listener with theirs.

8. Practise assertiveness.

Practice. Practice. Can't say it enough. No new skill is learnt on the first try. The brain is a muscle and needs to be worked in order to have an optimum outcome. Use a mirror, friends and family to build your confidence and skills in being assertive. Think of it as part of your toolkit for life. The more assertive you are able to be, the more authentic in this world you will become.

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