Finding the right person in love can be exhilarating or exhausting. As time marches on, sometimes our goal is less on the right person and more on any person. When we are focused on avoiding loneliness over finding compatibility we can make mistakes. Mistakes in love are our learning life lessons. We fall madly in love during adolescence (that wonderful, addictive all or nothing passion and crush feeling), we attempt adult love, ( trying monogamy, long term relationships, living together, marriage) and through the breakdowns and break ups we should start to find out what we really need and are looking for in love. Most of us have had that one love that is hard to forget, even if they were so wrong for us and that opposite love that made us feel invincible. Wherever you are in your love journey, finding the balance, passion, respect and commitment can be elusive. When we can't seem to find that right person, we are vulnerable to dropping our values and settling for less than we deserve. I'm not saying we should have unrealistic standards (ridiculous lists of never ending 'must haves,' that no-one could possibly meet), but having some idea of what makes you a better person in love, is a good starting point to find someone who adds to your life.

 

Before we have a quick look at what we should be searching for, to find a healthy, happy love in life, let's review the types of people that can bring you the opposite to what you need.

5 unhealthy types that you might like to avoid.

The Opportunist

This is a person who likes to be in a relationship with you or will profess they love you because you have assets like a car, your own apartment or home, lots of money, fame or social connections. They may be interested in being with you to get close to your family, friends or social network. This type of person is easy to spot. They are often bored and restless in your company and light up when they are around others. They are quick to start asking favours but rarely offer you the same courtesy. They make themselves at home with your lifestyle too quickly, (basically move in without being asked). They disrespect you and your belongings. You may notice borrowing becomes an issue. They borrow money and never pay you back. Borrow your clothes, property, and never give it back. Or, they return it damaged. They may even let other people use/wear your belongings, without asking you first. When you ask them to contribute, turn down an evening with the people they admire, don't give them access to your lifestyle and stop lending them your things, they become angry and offended. They may call you selfish and unreasonable. They may use the 'you don't love me' card. Whatever it is, someone with these kind of behaviours is probably with you for what they get rather than how they can add to your life.

The Controller

This person starts of being amazing. They are always texting and calling, want to be with you all the time. In fact, it feels like they are too good to be true. That's because they are. The wonderful attention turns very quickly into controlling behaviour. When you don't answer the text immediately or delay returning a call those sweet little communications became obsessive messages increasingly becoming rude, aggressive and angry. When you want to spend time with friends and family, they create a drama or fight, spoiling your time away from them or making you feel so guilty you don't go. When you cancel time with them because work or other commitments arise, they move into a punishing behaviour, like not returning your text or calls, or becoming irrationally moody and emotionally abusive. These people are highly jealous and suspicious of any absence from them. They start to advice you on how you should look, who should be your friends and what to spend your money on. The Controller is not too far away from The Abuser. This type of person wants to control their partner in order to feel powerful, not because they want to add to your life.

The Liar

No matter what the evidence, this person has a great excuse for what they have done. They lie by omission. They lie straight up. They have unbelievable explanations to things you discover that they expect you to believe. They are secretive about who they are with, where they are and are often not with and where they told you anyway. They hide their phone. You might feel paranoid, insane and start acting like a possessive mad person trying to catch them out in their lie. They will accuse you of being paranoid, insane and possessive when you catch them out. Even when you know 1+1 does not equal 2 with their stories, they are so convincing you doubt your own rational judgement. They are still on tinder because it was an old account. That boy/girl texting at midnight is just a friend. They got home at 5 in the morning because they couldn't get an Uber. Your friends are lying when they tell you they were seen with someone else. They lie about small things and big things. The truth for them is a flexible option they use as long as it doesn't interfere with what they want to do and with whom. The relationship is cluttered with constant lies to deflect, distract and confuse you. This person is more focused on playing games and the thrill of getting away with their behaviour than adding to your life.

The Baby

This person never wants to grow up. They shun responsibility. The struggle to hold down a job. Hold everyone else responsible for their issues and failures. They have struggled to save money, manage their life, pay off debts and stick with things when times get tough. They want you to care for them, look after them and be a provider for them. If you don't organise everything, nothing gets done. They rarely think about what you need. From leaving their stuff everywhere for you to clean up, to never offering to pay for meals or a night out, these people treat you more like an ever-forgiving parent than a partner. When you ask them to take some responsibility (plan a night out, pick up the laundry, walk the dog) they forget, can't do it or become passive-aggressive and start a sulky argument so you end up doing it yourself because it is just damn well easier. They are prone to little tantrums, don't listen to your advice on how to get their life together and expect you to solve and fix all the issues they constantly find themselves in. This person wants to be babied because they are too lazy and irresponsible to take on adulthood rather than add to your life.

The Abuser

Abusive people never start off showing their true colours, those dark shades slowly appear as the person becomes more and more comfortable that you are falling in love with them. They turn from charming to abusive, bit by bit, waiting until you are very emotionally invested before the attacks begin. The abuse can be emotionally (mocking your feelings, negating how you feel, making fun of you, withdrawing attention, turning their affection on and off depending if you have behaved in the way they want, not inviting you to events), psychological (name calling, bullying, insulting, threatening, isolating you, swearing at you, making you feel irrational, paranoid, mentally unstable, afraid), physical (attacking, hitting, punching, throwing things at you, punching or destroying objects around you, physically challenging and intimidating you, restraining you) and sexually (forcing you to commit sexual acts against your will, coercing you into sexual acts, participating or viewing sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or against your will). These people are dangerous and extremely uhealthy to become involved with, in any type of relationship. They are orientated towards sadistic power and are threatened by any demonstration of healthy autonomy, independence and emotional maturity. Abusive people use you to make themselves feel powerful and sate a need to cause pain rather than add to your life.

So, now we know the types of people to avoid when looking for your ideal partner, here are some characteristics and behaviours to look for, and like most positive and rewarding things in life, it is a pretty simple list

The Right One

A person that can add value (happiness, growth, safety and security) means;

  • They treat you with equality and share responsibility (financial, workload, organising, planning etc)

  • They demonstrate honesty, (say what they mean, and do as they say, are not secretive and have an open communication with you).

  • They ensure you feel physically, sexually, psychologically and emotionally safe, (show respect, fairness, own their emotions, apologise and admit when they are wrong, seek help when they are not coping).

  • They demonstrate respect for who you are, what is important to you and your beliefs and opinions, (show an interest in your life before you met and take steps to understanding your point of view and share and support what is important to you).

  • They encourage you to have your own interests, independence and friendships, ( fit in with your friends, enjoy their company, connect with your family and want you to spend time with them, and encourage you to do the same with their family and friends).

  • They can laugh at the silly mistakes and issues in life to ease the seriousness when needed. They can laugh at themselves and enjoy humour, (know when to smile, how to make you see what is important and what isn't, and be prepared to see humour in their own behaviour).

Most of all, choose people who help you grow into a better person. It might mean you have to try a few times, before you find what you are looking for, but it will be worth it!

Don't be a hot head! 8 ways you can reduce conflict in the workplace.

No-one likes a hot head. Especially in the workplace. From passive aggressive eyebrow raising to overt bullying, bad tempers and bad dispositions can create enormous disharmony amongst your team and for us personally. The point is conflict takes two to happen. One to start it and the other to react.

What we do know from research on conflict in the workplace and the time and costs it has on business, is that it takes its toll. Between 30 to 50 per cent of management's time can be spent in managing conflict in the work environment. Human resource executives can spend anywhere up to 20 percent of their time in activities revolving around conflict and litigation.

It's not just time and money that impacts on a business when conflict arises the human factor is just as dramatically impacted upon. Sandberg reported over 10 years ago that unresolved conflict contributed to 'staff absenteeism, attrition and litigation expenses; while low morale, productivity losses and impaired decision making are among the many hidden costs.' He noted that severe conflicts can lead to the complete restructuring of teams if left or handled unsuccessfully. Yet, bullying and conflict still remain a huge problem for many work environments. We don't seem to have found a real solution.

One reason is we often leave seeking help and coaching advice until things have escalated to the point of near no return. As Sandberg said, "Coaches use a powerful and empathetic questioning method that assists individuals to identify the triggers to conflict escalation and bring to the surface the assumptions inevitably held about the other party and the conflict itself." If the problem doesn't fix itself quickly, the outcome can have a huge impact on the workplace environment. Instead of waiting until a small problem has become a massive infraction, call in coaches to lead you through the process and out of the waste of time, money and human stress conflict causes.

The question is whose responsibility is it to resolve and prevent unnecessary conflict in the workplace? Is it ours, your work colleges or your bosses? Who should take the lead on creating a conflict free environment?

I'm very big on self-responsibility and ownership of how we act and interact in this world, which means, of course, let's start with ourselves. If we focus on reducing conflict and putting out as many spot fires as we can, then our workplaces are bound to be happier, healthy and more productive places to work.

So here we go, see how many you already do and how many more conflict reducing strategies you can implement.

1. Be positive.

If you want to work in a more positive environment, you must be positive. It's amazing how much of an effect a cheerful disposition can have on those around you and on the general atmosphere. In addition, a number of studies show that positive people are better placed to deal with stress, anxiety and challenges. This means you will be less likely to be drawn into other people's negativity and game playing.

2. Be aware of personality clashes.

As in life, we often come across people who we don't gel with. We don't have to get along with everybody, but we do have to respect differences. If you don't like someone's personality type or you find it clashes with your own, acknowledge that is what is occurring. Avoiding certain individuals in the office won't work, but you should certainly not become involved in other people's disagreements, or start your own because of the clashes in personality. Register your frustration and talk to a trusted person to diffuse your feelings.

3. Communicate respectfully.

The old mantra of 'treating people as you would like to be treated' is a good tactic in avoiding workplace conflict. Asking people for their co-operation rather than giving instructions, enquiring about people's weekends and thanking others for help they have given you will help you to maintain positive relationships with others. Understand that a demanding, entitled approach to conflict resolution will only decrease the chances of a good resolution. Don't bitch, whine or gossip about the problem or personal. Use appropriate ways to find a starting point to talk. Seek help if you don't know how to approach the situation.

4. Don't get involved in emotional manipulation.

Some people are used to getting their own way by using emotions, be they anger, fear, guilt or histrionics. If they succeed in doing this in the workplace, it will cause resentment and lead to arguments or blame shifting. Highly emotive people may be dysregulated emotionally and that means unpredictable in a workplace. Be observant, people can be cunning and manipulate your sympathies if they need to build an army against someone or something. Be aware cliques in the workplace can be particularly damaging and can even result in dismissals if the environment becomes impossible. If anyone asks you to align yourself with them against others, simply say that you value working with everybody. Avoid being drawn into emotional battles that have nothing to do with you. Have empathy but think clearly about being the shoulder to cry on, particularly if you only hear half of the story. Don't get emotionally ensnared by the drama king or queen at work.

5. Know what's important

Disputes can grow from the smallest of issues. Something as inconsequential as taking someone else's pen can escalate into accusations of poor work performance. Once you have an impression of a colleague from a particular incident, you will look for other examples, however small, to reinforce that opinion. One error or mistake, even a disagreement does not mean the working relationship needs to be erased. Resolve the problem with clarity and respect and then let it go. Avoid holding on to petty and insignificant slights.

6. Identify conflict

Dealing with a conflict at work can be tough. The aim is to compromise and be balanced in your expectations. Avoid believing you have a right to win, especially at the expense of working relationships you may just need to rely on later. Resolving conflict is better than trying to "win" because this helps people on both sides feel as though their concerns were valid and considered. Reaching fair compromises will help to eliminate stress that will ultimately lower productivity levels.

7. Find out reasons

Any environment where people are charged and emotionally invested in the events taking place, can be a perfect setting for conflict to happen. People are inevitably bound to have a disagreement on how things should be done which can lead to issues between those with differing opinions. If someone received a promotion or bonus it can lead to jealousy, particularly if others feel as though these benefits were earned unfairly. Disagreements in the workplace can also be personal. When you see the same people every day their habits can become irritating. If someone is messy, loud or confrontational it can make it difficult to focus on work. Define if the conflict is about business or personal? Is it a performance-based problem that is annoying you or a personal habit or presentation that irritates you? Think about the why your opinions are at odds with someone else. What merit does the other person have in their argument. Is there a way your reasons can be understood and worked through without butting heads? Why are you struggling to accept their version or reasons in the issue? Do you haev equally annoying habits you are unaware of?

8. Disagreement or bullying?

Frustration can quickly lead to disagreements. Disagreements become conflict . Conflict can easily shift into workplace bullying. According to Heads Up Healthy workplaces, signs of bullying in your work environment are if you or someone else experiences:

  • distress, anxiety, panic attacks or sleep disturbance
  • physical illness, such as muscular tension, headaches and digestive problems
  • reduced work performance
  • loss of self-esteem and feelings of isolation
  • depression and an increased risk of suicide.

Things you can do to help as an employee are:

  • supporting your workmates - check in with your colleagues and let them know you're there to help
  • showing respect and courtesy - being respectful of others helps create a more positive environment
  • speaking up against bullying (if you feel comfortable) - pull up anyone being disrespectful in the workplace
  • acting appropriately - understand your organisation's expectations and lead by example.

We all deserve the right to be free of accusations and temper tantrums at work. Think hard on how you can reduce the level of tension and conflict around you. If we all focused on building a happier workplace and followed these eight steps to avoid conflict, our time at work and with colleagues could be dramatically improved. Remember coaching can guide you and your team through the difficulties and prevent further issues arising.

Look out for the next 8 ways to avoid conflict in the workplace, part 2.

Trying to be authentic is often more difficult than we think. It can be a battle for self-acceptance these days. Just jump on Instagram or Snap chat and you are bombarded by images of what you should be like, live like and feel like. It can get rough out there trying to define a sense of self. To cope, we can try to adapt. Change how we look, based on our idols or popular trends. Follow a band or song, even though we don't really like it, but because the person we like does. Wear fashion labels, not because we love the look, but because others do. These types of actions are common. And we all have done it to a degree. I know I have (still not sure those dreadlocks in the late 80's did really make me look like Boy George, but I gave it a good hot go).

Look, it's fine to stretch your boundaries and experiment with superficially different versions of who you are (technically called adolescents by the way). We have all succumbed to peer pressure at some point. Not just how we look or with our style, but part of moving into adulthood is to test what we really believe in (that old moral fiber). Peer groups are brilliant at forcing us to realise what we stand for, often in the wrong ways. Having said that if you are an adult now, it's probably time to consolidate a sense of who you are. It's not healthy if you continue to keep moving your values, ethics, opinions and beliefs depending on who you are hanging out, working with, dating or wanting to date with. You might get lost and forget who you were in the beginning. It's like trying on so many new outfits you can't remember which one fit you the best anymore.

Being a chameleon is a side effect of this behaviour. It is a behaviour describing how we can get caught up in changing our colours depending on who you are with and what you believe they want from you. Don't get me wrong here, chameleons can be beautiful. The adaptation to change in order to blend in with their surrounds is a survival strategy, an evolutionary gift to trick predators into not noticing them. As humans, this can be a driving force too. If this was the case, ask yourself do you still need to be a chameleon. Is whatever you were hiding from even relevant anymore? Has the need to blend in passed and become a habit?

To have a true sense of identity and authenticity you need to know who you are and face the world in that skin.

Why not just do you?

Why not invest in yourself and let others be who they need to be. Maintaining a false or in authentically created self-image is hard to maintain over time. Yes, that version of self you are dissing, will rear up and make their presence known. It is only a matter of time. Even actors drop out of character, so don't think you won't too. And probably at the worst moment. That's when people around you look at you oddly, don't understand where the other version went and start to pull away. It is why some relationships break down and you look at the person you love as if you never knew them.

Not knowing who you are is a deal breaker if you want success and happiness. So how about you do you, I'll do me and let them do them?

Here's how to start.

Be the Opposite to Approval -Seeking.

Move your line of sight away from what everyone else thinks of you and narrow it down to what you think of yourself. (If your self esteem gets in the way here, have a read of my article 5 Tips to Transform Self Fear into Self-Esteem). You are never going to please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. (Say that a few times to get the message and accept it). Your best bet to reach success and happiness, is to become approval aware (be aware of what others think of you but don't let those opinions determine how you feel about yourself.) Approval seeking is focused on your intention to win approval and respect from other people. What is amazing is we are drawn towards, admire and respect the opposite of approval seeking. We prefer people who are authentic to themselves than others who try to be something they are not.

Have an opinion.

It is an important part of being unashamedly you to have an opinion. Better yet, know why you have that opinion. If it is just because someone you know thinks that way, or a famous personality has a point of view you are attaching to, because they are famous, then you're in for some rocky roads ahead. How will you defend your position if you don't know why you took it in the first place? An opinion is an idea that defines part of who you are. Of course, just be wise how you voice an opinion (unsure? Read my 12 Tips to Courageous Communication). It should be about letting people know what you stand for, not creating conflict or making someone feel uncomfortable. Having an open-mind and being able to learn from differing opinions is a strength. Don't confuse this with being a pushover or sticking to your guns for the sake of being stubborn. Understand why your opinions are important to you and be able to adapt, if it feels right. It is healthy to change your mind if it is authentic to who you really are, not just to give in or to appease others.

Be different or don't be different.

You do you, is not to be misinterpreted as if you have to stand out in the crowd or draw attention to the fact you are different. Just focus on being you and let others do their thing. Stop trying so hard to be something and relax in the knowledge you already are a something. You. Your angle to this is you are unique. There is no one like you, so why try to copy something already out there. Define your uniqueness and celebrate your difference, whatever that looks or feels like. Your difference may be the way you look, your style, your disability, your intellect, your emotional potential, your ability to love, your drive, your success and your failures. It may be obvious or invisible. The point is it is unique to you.

Watch out for the Biatch.

How do 'you do you', if people around you are always negative about who you are, what you do and how you look. Answer? Get some new friends. It is too hard to build an anchor for your identity if it is constantly being challenged in a negative way. Start listening to the commentary around you. Do your friends celebrate who you are or are they very quick to point out what is wrong with you, how you should change, what way you would look better? Are you liked because you have a point of difference that makes you unique? We are drawn like moths to the flame by confidence and yet we can fear it in people around us because it makes some of us feel inadequate. Don't do things because others are encouraging you (often for their own entertainment or fear you may become confident), especially if it is against your values and morals. Walk away. Stand proud and defiant. Don't give in if it makes you cross a line from being true to yourself to a fake. Don't agree or be submissive if someone is rude, offensive or a biatch to you, in order to make you feel insignificant and they feel superior. If your friends have too much biatchitude, time to move on and find people who will celebrate you and be happy who they are too.

Let's grow out of being the chameleon. The way of existing that took hold in adolescence so we could gain acceptance, fit in and deliver the kind of image we think others would like. Stop watering down your identity. Who wants to fade from being unique and become another nobody tossed off the production line of sameness? Don't be a product, you do you.

This time we are looking at your personal life and how making changes and thinking cleverly about your out of work time, can create a positive impact on your work environment. Everything is about balance and these few steps can make a difference to how you manage your work life.

  • Build downtime into your schedule:

    We are, in general, pretty proficient at filling our schedules with goal based activities. Scheduling in some downtime however, is often left out of our daily calendar, even at work. Make downtime a specific goal. Remember how this used to be called lunch or a coffee break. I am constantly telling my staff to take their lunch. It is an important part of the day to step back, relax (even for an hour), and do non-work-related activities. Go for a walk, read, talk about your out of work life, listen to a podcast or music, whatever you need, step away from your work for an hour. You will feel revived and refocused as a result. Why not extend the concept to be part of your routine? Perhaps you can set a goal of achieving 3-5 relaxation activities a week and build them into your calendar. If circumstances require you to miss a scheduled downtime event, (let's be real, it will happen), replace it with another to make sure you maintain an increasingly better balance of work time and play.

  • Drop the activities that sap your time or energy:

    Have you noticed that some activities take more time than they should? Or are physically and mentally draining that extends beyond the time they should take to complete? Maybe you have a workplace friend or a set of friends who seem to only bond over too much drinking or negative gossiping. Workplace friendships, come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, but if you leave their company feeling dragged down instead of enriched, time to rethink how you spend your precious hours. Alternatively, are you clinging to some tasks that you could delegate to someone else. Sometimes our need to control our workplace ends up with us having a long list of tasks we don't need to really do on our own.

  • Make time for exercise:

    This is a big theme for me as I have struggled to find time to exercise, even after having a long athletic based childhood. Finding moments to exercise in my busy, sedentary life (there is a lot of sitting in my line of work), is a challenge. As you consider your health and well-being, determine the kinds of exercise that will add value to your life. Try to schedule your workout activities for realistic times that you can achieve. Lunchtime walks or runs, early morning workouts, or forms of exercise that can help you unwind after work. I put my room upstairs in my clinic to force me to go up and down stairs all day. Park your car further away from the office. Keep your plans flexible. It is hard to stick to a regimented plan if your work commitments can very. Think cleverly about the kinds of fitness you want to achieve, to strike a healthy balance between cardio workouts, weights, and activities that emphasize stretching, strength and agility. Start somewhere, even if it once a week. You can add more exercise in as you feel better and fitter. The healthier you are, the less sick leave you will need. All equates to a happy you at work.

  • Remember that a little relaxation can go a long way:

    If you allow time for 10-15-minute visits with a friend or loved one, to read an enjoyable article, do a 5-minute breathing exercise, a moment of mindfulness, even a short stretch, will can go a long way towards increasing your emotional well-being and health. Tidy and declutter your work area. Stop to enjoy the small things. Use nature and those around you to develop a pattern of peak experiences (notice an everyday thing, in a new way). Keep your spirit fed and your motivation and commitment running high to improve your work space.

  • Enjoy your weekends and vacation:

    If weekends and workdays blur together, your body and mind will struggle to rest. While it may not be possible to avoid all work-related activities, be sure your weekends and holidays are times that you allow yourself to relax and enjoy the downtime. Concerts, family and sporting activities are important times to for your working brain to take a nap and be thoroughly present with others. Put your phone down, your iPad away and let those around you see they are more important than work. Remember it is a job, people are what is really important in life. If you must work while on leave, then schedule a time to do it in that won't interfere with your social time with others. Being relaxed at the beginning of the week because you took time out, will improve your attitude and enjoyment of your work environment.

  • Make a time for chores, and get your chores done:

    High achieving people are good at organization. That is how things seem to run smoothly for them. Use your organization skills out of the workplace as well. Particularly when it comes to accomplishing unwelcome chores. Schedule them in to avoid letting things turn into emergencies. Yes, there may be days you face a flat tire, or you may come down with the flu, but if you schedule time for health checkups, car maintenance and general cleaning you will face fewer health or maintenance emergencies and those you confront will likely be smaller in scope and easier to work through or to bear. Remember a stress free personal life means your working life will also be less stressed.

Hope this ideas are all helping you think about your work environment and what you can do to make it a happier and more relaxed place to spend your time.

“How do I get self-esteem?”

This is one of the most frequent questions my clients present with in our sessions. It is also one of the hardest skills to transform from theory to practice. Mainly because it requires time, patience and hope to build a sense of confidence and esteem. But, if you stick with it and practice the strategies that elusive self-esteem will grow and flourish.

Self esteem, by definition is your opinion of yourself. It is built on the many experiences, cognitions, interactions we have with others and the foundations of love from our childhood. Self esteem is our self-reflection and personal interpretation of what we do and what we can’t do.

Intellectually, we understand the idea behind confidence, but healthy self-esteem can, so easily, become swallowed up with self-fear. A harsh criticism, a broken heart, a demotion at work can shift a positive self-regard to despair and self-dislike. Our esteem is at the mercy of life but only temporarily. Like a trampoline, our confidence can be pushed down by life’s events but should bounce back, higher and faster if we stay focused.

We are affected by what happens around and to us, having said this, we also have more ability to deflect negativity about our worth than most of us actually apply. This is in part, because we often don’t understand self esteem as a characteristic of how strong we are in factors of adaptability, flexibility and autonomy.. Self-esteem, like happiness, is a fluid and ever-changing part of the human existence. We do not have a consistent stable sense of esteem. It waxes and wanes as life throws challenges at us, we fail, relationships break down and jobs we wanted are terminated. Self esteem needs feeding and watering, much like a tempestuous plant that demands good soil, the right amount of shade and plenty of sunlight. We need to nourish our confidence and look after it. Even in the good times when we feel strong and positive. Self-esteem is a muscle that needs to be exercised and kept in shape.

You can check how good your self esteem is by the following examples of how someone with high self-esteem functions in our world. Do you:

  • Talk about yourself in positive ways, even when you make mistakes.

  • See failure as growth instead of loss.

  • Walk with an air of strength in the world (good posture, shoulders back, good eye contact, head held high)

  • Have friends and relationships that demonstrate respect and leave abusive people.

  • Take risks and challenge themselves to excel

  • Find life fun, are excited and passionate about many things and participate in life.

Of course, what is obvious by this list is the more you engage in all these behaviours the higher your esteem is likely to grow. The same, but in reverse, occurs for those with low self-esteem. Someone struggling to gain confidence usually starts to feel worthless, inadequate and incompetent which hinders self-esteem building actions and interactions.

You can check if your esteem is too low (self-fear) with the following characteristics. Do you:

  • Talk about yourself in a negative way and quick to put yourself down needlessly.

  • See failure as evidence of low self-worth and inability to succeed.

  • Walk with an air of defeat in the world (hunched shoulders, low eye contact, drooping head).

  • Refrain from socializing, making friends and allow people around you to be disrespectful or abusive.

  • Avoid risks and challenges limiting success.

  • Find life anxious, prone to moodiness and mental health issues.

  • Withdrawn from participating in life’s opportunities.

Self-esteem is a skill that everyone can learn to use. It isn’t easy at times and it does require you to put in regular maintenance. Self-esteem isn’t a glove fits all option. We all have varying levels of esteem and show it in different ways. Shy and more introverted people often have excellent self-esteem that they demonstrate in a quiet confidence, great listening skills and attention-avoiding success. More extroverted types often show their esteem in the way they appear and socialize. Their success is often attention-seeking. All self esteem (as long as it is coupled with being humble and good natured), is good for the soul.

If you find it hard to like yourself and battle self-fear with self-esteem, here are my starter tips to get you thinking and acting in ways to build your self-esteem.

blog-selfesteem

Happy Jar Your Esteem

Every day write 3 things you did well and put it in a jar. On days that you might struggle to feel you are good at anything, you can dip your hand into the jar and like a positive lucky dip, remind yourself of what you are proud of, what you got right or something wonderful about yourself. To add another dimension, get friends and family to write down a couple of positive things about you too. It can be a well needed surprise when your self-esteem is low, and yourself fear is high.

Practice Compassion

Much as we know offering others compassion for their mistakes and failures is healthy all too often we forget to give ourselves the same goodwill. Be kind and supportive to your esteem when you make a mess of things. Offer consolation and understanding just as you would to another whose life wasn’t panning out how they wanted, or whose ego had taken a few harsh knocks.

Be your own best friend

This is an easy yet under used method to build self-esteem. Treat yourself with the nurture, self-care, kindness, forgiveness and the wonderful ‘snap out of it’ push only our closest friends can give us when we get stuck, wallow to much in negativity or need to be reminded of all the great things we have going for us.

Mirror on the wall

Most of us have a whole mental cupboard full of things we don’t want anyone to know that are, generally, just errors, doubts and adolescent shame that is part of growing up and learning to be human. We build locks and bars and steel doors over these cupboards as if those moments of growth are horrors too harsh for anyone to know. We all have things we would do differently. Self-esteem is built on eradicating self-fear. Look in the mirror. Acknowledge what you fear and place it in context with the challenging journey of self-discovery and learning. No one gets it right and no one is perfect. If you can face the mirror with those niggling self-doubts and self-punishing fears, then you can face the world fearless of what others may discover about you. In other words, own your stuff and move on. It can only harm you if you still fear it.

Value Added

Know your values and morals. Understanding what you stand for helps build autonomy and independence. Two factors that are crucial in self-esteem. The more you are clear on what is important to you the better you are at standing up for your rights, which grows your confidence and demonstrates to others who you are. Values add strength of character, direct and fortify our esteem by giving us a platform to develop identity. Make a list of your values and work towards upholding them in every day interactions and thinking.

Even reading this article has added to your self esteem building. Learning and doing something new is also a great way to rid yourself of self-fear and build self-esteem.

Good job!

Seeing a personal coach means that your grey matter is going to be challenged to re-wire and draw on unused mental potential. It takes energy to develop self-awareness, insight and adapt so, to help you on your way, here are some natural brain boosters that you can incorporate into your diet. If you're very eager, why not include these in your weekly diet for a month and measure if you recognise any improvement. (Don't forget, for optimum results reduce brain numbing products like alcohol and sweets.)

  1. Fatty Fish/ Oily Fish

I think we all know about Omega's by now, but they are still one of the best fatty acids we can consume, given the brain is composed of 60% fats. Fatty fish is a brilliant source of Omega-3 fatty acids and as a building block to the brain, essential in high performance thinking. Research has indicted that Omega-3 and Omega-6 can statistically significantly improve restlessness, aggressiveness, the ability to stay on task (completing work) and academic performance in children with ADHD. It is a natural focus enhancer. The essential fatty acids vital for brain function that are found in fish oil, can not only slow cognitive decline, but can help prevent brain atrophy in older adults, particularly important in treating Alzheimer's. For those suffering anxiety and depression, some research has indicated taking fish oil in childhood may prevent you from developing anxiety or depression later in life. All up fatty fish is a must for brain performance and cognitive longevity.

  1. Pumpkin seeds

An acquired taste for some, Pumpkin seeds are rich in many micronutrients that are important for brain function, including copper, iron, magnesium and zinc. Instead of taking a tablet for each of these, a handful of pumpkin seeds scattered over a meal (try salads) and as a snack allows you to consume all these micronutrients in one go. Like with fatty fish oils and Omega 3 and 6, pumpkin seeds are known for their role in improving mental health, aiding memory and supporting healthy brain development. The benefits of pumpkin seeds go well beyond just Omegas. They contain a high amount of magnesium, which has a calming effect on the brain. A good stress relief option.

  1. Blueberries

Blueberries are packed with antioxidants that may delay brain aging and improve memory. Eating blueberries has been suggested to improve thinking and memory skills. In times of tackling new tasks and absorbing novel information, blueberries are a great option to increase cognitive performance and recall. It is another preventative nutrient. According to animal research in 2006, blueberries help protect the brain from oxidative stress and may reduce the effects of age-related conditions such as Alzheimer's disease or dementia.

  1. Turmeric

Who would have thought this brilliant yellow powder could be so beneficial? Turmeric and its active compound curcumin, has strong anti-inflammatory and antioxidant benefits, which help in brain development. Primarily Turmeric is thought to improve the working memory and attention spans. There has been discussion and research on Turmeric's ability to regenerate brain cells. As the spice that gives curry its yellow colour, Turmeric has been used in India for thousands of years as a spice and medicinal herb.

  1. Broccoli

Broccoli, the little trees of vegetables, contains several compounds that have powerful antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects and helps in brain development. Broccoli is a source of two crucial nutrients that help improve brain function. Vitamin K helps to strengthen cognitive abilities while Choline has been found to improve memory. Research has indicated people who eat plenty of broccoli perform better on memory tests.

So, there you have it. Five easily available foods and spices that are believed to enhance your brain performance and increase attention spans and memory. They also are believed to be preventative for cognitive decline and anxiety, as well as offering stress support.

Given all the benefits, why wouldn't you include these options into your weekly diet and give yourself the optimum chance of a healthy, high performing brain now and as you grow wiser.

To test your memory and speed in decision making, this website has easy timed games that are a simple way of testing your skills http://www.memozor.com/memory-game-online-free/for-adults/easy-memory/shapes.

If you have success. share your story on my Instagram or facebook or write to me direct on the contact page.

You could also try this recipe for a start.

Achari broccoli and pumpkin

To make this an all-round brain booster, toss in some pumpkin seeds. Select an omega rich fish and add to the curry cooked or on the side. Serve with fresh blueberries for desert (can't go past indulging in a slow cooked blueberry and lime cheesecake).

Ingredients
Serves: 4

  • 100g broccoli
  • oil as needed
  • 1/4 teaspoon jeera seeds
  • 1/4 teaspoon fenugreek seeds
  • 1/4 teaspoon onion seeds
  • 1/4 teaspoon rai (brown mustard seed)
  • 2 red chillies, chopped
  • 2 onions, finely chopped
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
  • 100g pumpkin - peeled, seeded and chopped
  • 60ml water
  • 1/4 teaspoon sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon red chilli powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon amchoor powder
  • 1 tomato, seeded and finely chopped
  • salt to taste

Method
Prep:10min › Cook:20min › Ready in:30min

  1. Boil 2 cups of water with 1/2 teaspoon salt, add the broccoli and cook until it is tender. Remove and let it cool.
  2. In a wok or pan heat oil and add jeera, fenugreek seeds, onion seeds, rai and red chilli. Let it fry for 1 minute; after that add onion. Saute onion till it changes to light brown.
  3. Add the turmeric, salt, coriander and pumpkin. Add 60ml of water and cook it on low flame until the pumpkin becomes tender, about 10 minutes. Pumpkin should become tender but retain its shape.
  4. Stir in the broccoli and sprinkle some sugar, red chilli powder and amchoor powder. Stir in the tomatoes; season to taste with salt.

(full recipe on http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/22773/achari-broccoli-and-pumpkin.aspx)

 

Reference links:
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/11-brain-foods#section5
https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/10-foods-boost-your-brainpower
https://draxe.com/15-brain-foods-to-boost-focus-and-memory/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21756/20-foods-to-naturally-increase-your-brain-power.html

It is everywhere. The need to tell it how it is. Voice your opinion. Critic what you see and hear. Express ourselves, in every way we can. Social media and reality T.V has unleashed a storm of self opinionated chatter on to the world. Everywhere you go, we are all busy tapping away on our keyboards or starring down a camera lens, espousing our commentary and putting our two cents worth of straight talking out into the public domain. But have we gone too far? When does a bit of healthy and honest straight talking become plain rudeness? And when does plain rudeness merge into narcissism? Is there a difference?

In a word, yes. And that word is intent.

The ‘why’ we are giving it to someone straight, is the difference between strength of character and lack of character. Take the recent viewing catastrophe, Married at First Sight. A participant of the show, demonstrating significant personality pathology, used the phrase, ‘I’m just being honest,’ as a get out of jail free card, for saying absolutely anything they wanted and deliberately hurting and manipulating other contestants. At no point did that person display any honesty, integrity or fairness. In their world, honesty meant lie, manipulate, cause harm and cheat. What was concerning was they appeared ignorant of the fact their version of righteous honesty was, in reality, rude and narcissistically orientated. (To be fair, they were not the only contestant displaying similar pathology and this kind of unwellness paraded into our lives as normal, has far reaching and disturbing consequences, but I’ll save that for another day.)

Actually, it is not okay to say anything you want, how you want and when you want. Being straightforward and direct is very different from the malicious way ‘honesty,’ is being portrayed and manipulated on that and many other reality shows and social media. And very different from the way narcissistic validation is creeping into our day to day psyche, when conversing with others.

Straight talking by definition, means to talk in an honest and direct way. Straight refers to staying on a direct course of action or method and talking means to use words or sounds to communicate. It is not a new phrase, first appearing in the English language some 200 years ago, but it is a phrase that has taken on new meaning in today’s world. Somehow straight talking has morphed into a presumption that you can be emotionally abusive. In the social media/reality T.V world where definitions blur and transform on a daily basis, this type of distorted straight talking is espoused as highly rewarded. Clicks, likes and followers determine how we deliver opinion and shape the style we do it in. But we need to be careful what we will tolerate and encourage as straight talking. Are we straight talking or are we giving ourselves (and inspiring others), to express opinions no matter how offensive they may be or how dysfunctional the intent is? Are high ratings and large followings, for narcissistic behaviours masked as straight talking, twisting our perception of honesty?

There is nothing wrong with a little honesty when delivered well and with integrity. In general, most of us admire a person who has the confidence to share their opinions, have a point of view and stand up for their beliefs. Even if it challenges us or makes us a little uncomfortable. We value integrity and directness in ourselves and desire it from others. In fact, we expect it in some lines of profession, like with psychologists, coaches, lawyers, governments and our workplace management. Where we need fairness, justice and supervision, straight talking is essential, otherwise we would lose faith, and have done, in many of our social systems.

Unfortunately, with very little self-editing and insight, sometimes, straight talking is being used to allow us to be rude and offensive. The ‘I’m allowed to express my opinion’ mentality isn’t actually a free for all to say whatever you like, however you like, under the guise of ‘just being honest’. Being honest has become a justification for being cruel and nasty. In social media and reality T.V, offensiveness and thinly veiled insults are masquerading as straight talking. It can be confusing. On one hand we are encouraging each other to be up front and honest and on the other hand the same characteristics can become a free for all, without any emotional governance.

Honesty is integral to straight talking. If you are not being honest with yourself then you are not being honest with anyone else. Being straightforward is a positive attribute. It signals many wonderful characteristics such as sincerity, truthfulness and loyalty. But being a straight talker also means you will, at times, create discomfort and that is why your delivery needs to be mindful of the person you’re interacting with. When you fail to consider how someone will receive your direct approach, the outcome is far less successful. When you use straight talking to cover up attempts to be harmful, untrue or excessively critical then all you have done is demonstrate rudeness.

So, how do we know if we are being rude or straight talking?

There is always a need to be balanced in all that we do. Being too honest can create the reverse to your motivation for straight talking. Rudeness. Blunt, unedited honesty appears as a negative, particularly when you express your view without having been asked for it in the first place. When we are rude, our motivation is not to share opinion but to hurt someone. Intent defines the distinction. To start with, while straight talking is about delivering an honest, if not direct, message, rudeness is focused on being offensive, impolite and bad mannered. There is no grace in being rude. There is no respect or manners in being rude. When we hide behind, ‘I was just telling the truth,’ as we attack someone with false honesty, we are kidding ourselves. And the person we have offended knows it.

More and more, people use straight talking to express anger, hatred, jealousy and dysfunction. Just in case anyone is unaware, this is not healthy and not a sign of emotional maturity, mental stability or self-awareness. There is no admiration in someone using straight talking to be mean and cruel or to excuse inexcusable behaviour. Straight talking is not, in anyway, supposed to be rude. The same as narcissistic verballing is not merely expressing an opinion.

Then what is the difference between being rude and narcissistic?

The divide that separates rude and narcissistic commentary is pretty clear. Rudeness is ignorant and clumsy. It is used when you feel inadequate or challenged and do not have the vocabulary, evidence or maturity to respond to something said. The intent, in being rude is defensiveness. Narcissism is rudeness on steroids. It is calculated, well thought out and the intent is to emotionally maim.

Vaknin describes this difference succinctly. “The narcissist's favourite sadistic cocktail is brutal honesty coupled with "helpful advice" and "concern" for the welfare of the person attacked. The narcissist blurts out - often unprovoked - hurtful observations. These statements are invariably couched in a socially impeccable context. For instance, "Do you know you have a bad breath? You will be much more popular if you treated it", "You are really too fat, you should take care of yourself, you are not young, you know, who knows what this is doing to your heart", "These clothes do not complement you. Let me give you the name of my tailor...", "You are behaving very strangely lately, I think that talk therapy combined with medication may do wonders", and so on.”

Or as demonstrated on MAFS and the like, where brutal honesty (phrased as straight talking) is used to excuse hurting others knowingly. The shocking statements, ‘I tried to sleep with your new husband/pretended to be your friend/told lies to others because I have to be honest with myself,’ is a prime example of narcissistic justification. Straight talking, used in this way, is nothing to do with honesty and integrity but about humiliating and denigrating others for our own self-absorbed, dysfunctional and selfish means.

So, I’ll give it to you straight.

Next time you feel the need to tell someone straight or are asked an opinion, remember your intent is everything. Why are you needing to say what you are about to say? Is it to help, improve or clarify? Or is it to justify, hurt or manipulate? The delivery of your message is also important. Be honest, but empathic. Be open, but considerate. Think about the words you are choosing and the response you wish to get. Ask yourself if being upfront is about helping or hurting another person. Take a minute to check, are you being a straight talker, rude or narcissistic?

If you don’t know, then maybe say nothing until you do. Silence, like honesty, is also an admirable quality.

Reference : Sam Vaknin author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited

A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.”

Whether at work or at home, we all have moments where we need to talk through something difficult with someone. And often what we need to say might be confronting and challenging, for them to hear and for us to say. In times like these, it is common to avoid the topic, shy away from talking or stumble about in an insecure manner without really getting to the point. All of which leads to feeling unfulfilled, frustrated and resentful. On both parts.

Speaking in a courageous way is a skill that takes a little practice, but when done right clears the air without offending someone or leaving you feeling over compromised.

To start with, in general, a courageous conversation is where you need to manage emotions and information in a sensitive way in order to:

  • Address poor performance or conduct at work

  • Deal with personal problems, be honest about behavior or give bad news.

  • Investigate complaints/deal with grievances and disputes.

  • Comfort or reassure someone – for example, if they are to be made redundant or with romantic break ups

  • Tackle personality clashes.

Conversations that fall in these 5 categories often need to navigate through emotional and psychological hurdles. There are differing opinions, perceptions, and needs/wants that can create problems and often, unknown emotional minefields, as we express what we want to say to another person. Feelings and emotions can run strong and distract from positive outcomes. At times, the consequences or stakes in ‘winning’ an argument or conversation with someone can become more significant than finding a resolution. With all the unknowns, it is no surprise we avoid telling the truth and addressing how someone’s behavior or actions have affected us.

Handling a courageous conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. Much like any new strategy, the more you get into the habit of facing issues, the more adept you will become at it. Being honest and authentic to yourself and to others is one of the skills that leads to a happier and smoother life. It isn’t easy to speak your mind in a way that won’t offend, but it is doable.

If you’re unsure of how to best approach a courageous conversation, here are some tips to guide you:

  • Be clear about the issue

    To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: “What exactly is the behavior that is causing the problem?” and “What is the impact that the behavior is having on you, (or if at work, the team or the organisation)?” Clarity will allow you to articulate the problem in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent and confusing the listener. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.

  • Know your objective

    What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher Theodore Zeldin put it: A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.” What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don’t end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? How do you want them to feel at the end of the conversation? How do you want to feel? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Do you think and are you prepared to follow up to evaluate progress on the problem? Are you prepared to let the issue go?

  • Adopt a mindset of inquiry

    Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude toward the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your thinking will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person’s responses, so it pays to approach such a conversation with the right mindset—which in this context is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to courageous conversations. Be open to hearing what the other person has to say before reacting and deciding your response. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A courageous conversation means you need to remain open and curious about what is being said.

  • Manage the emotions

    We all can get anxious, upset or even angry when faced with difficult discussions. Sometimes the hurt and disappointment blinds us to problem solving or hearing a challenging opinion. Check in on your emotions. Rate your feelings from1 to 10 and if those emotions are getting too elevated, take some time out, regroup and start again. Be aware of the other person’s feelings too. If things are getting too heated or they look overwhelmed. Stop. Slow down and think about your approach again.

  • Be comfortable with silence

    There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don’t rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said and lets the message sink in. A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you’re likely uncomfortable with silence, as you’re used to thinking while you’re speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other person is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.

  • Preserve the relationship

    People with high emotional intelligence are always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irreparable wall between you and the person. The aim is to make a point about an issue not destroy the friendship, working relationship, or a person’s self-esteem.

  • Be consistent

    Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. If the person sees or believes you have one set of rules for one individual and a different set for another, you’ll be perceived as showing favoritism and bias. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Friends, lovers and employees have long-term memories of how you have handled situations in the past with others. Aim for consistency in your approach in courageous conversations. We trust someone who is consistent because we don’t have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as friendship, culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviors.

  • Develop your conflict resolution skills

    Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of working with others and being in relationships in general. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots. Aim to dial down the conflict rather than turn up the volume.

  • Choose the right place to have the conversation

    Starting a courageous conversation in the middle of a restaurant, on a train or in front of others isn’t a smart approach to reaching a solution. Neither is calling people into your office sometimes. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions; i.e., “We’re in this together. Let’s problem solve so that we have a better workplace.” Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. With friends and in relationships, make time that suits you both. Chose a private place that limits being overheard. Over a kitchen bench, going for a walk or if you prefer not to be alone, select a coffee shop with some level of privacy. People can react to the fear of being overheard or public embarrassment so, be mindful of where and when you start the conversation.

  • Know how to begin

    Some people put off having a courageous conversation because they don’t know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. “John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let’s grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat.” Or: “Linda, I want to talk about our relationship and would love to sit down when you’re ready, so I can explain where I’m coming from. Being straight forward is the authentic and respectful way to tell someone a difficult message. You don’t want to ambush people by surprising them about the nature of the “chat.” Make sure your tone of voice signals discussion and not inquisition, exploration and not punishment. Compassion not critique.

  • Be compassionate

    It’s best to come at sensitive topics from a place of empathy. Be considerate; be compassionate. Although often uncomfortable we can all deliver a difficult conversation with truth, fairness and bravery. Avoid seeking compassion from the person listening to you. You are not there to emote and seek sympathy. You are doing this to get clarity and reduce friction, frustration or unhappiness. This is about you, but not about how you feel having the courageous conversations, so steer away from starting the discussion with how hard it is for you to say what you are about to say. It won’t ring true and will sound patronising.

  • Breathe

    The calmer and more centered you are, the better you will be at handling courageous conversations. It’s not a bad idea to practice some mindful breathing and calming techniques. This can help you remain clear about your objectives and focused on the purpose for having the courageous conversation in the first place. Using a few centering strategies can give you a method of defense if things get too personal and you find you are under attack.

Courageous conversation can be uncomfortable for both parties involved. Take your time. Think about your objectives. Have a clear idea of the outcome you want and monitor your emotions. Don’t forget, if it isn’t working out, excuse yourself, take a walk, get a drink of water and collect your thoughts. Then try again. Success gets closer with every attempt.

Reference Link:
http://bit.ly/2HB6kZ9
http://amex.co/1pahDYZ
http://bit.ly/2tNTkx1
http://bit.ly/1T4Pdmk

In Part 2 of my tips on improving work life for your team, we are looking at the bigger picture. So, let’s continue to think about ways we can improve the workplace for our teams and for ourselves. Although these tips are aimed at the workplace, they can be generalised to your philosophy of life too. It seems an easy concept but creating a happy place for people to do their job isn’t always as easy at it seems. Sometimes even with the best of intentions, workplace environments can softly slide into places of discontent, conflict or become generally uncomfortable. In making sure we maintain a welcoming zone for employees to return to every day, try some of these options.

Here are 5 ways that affect the quality of our working life, which we can work on.

1. Good Working Environment

We spend, a lot of time at work. Often more time than we do at home. That is why it is important we create a congenial working environment, where we are happy to come and sit side by side with others. You can check how your workplace is travelling by reflecting on the following areas:

  • Does your team work well together or look forward to tasks that require group dynamics?

  • Are your employees and management effective together? Do they offer to help each other out and provide support when needed?

  • Professional Friendship. Do your colleagues, employees and management relate in a friendly, professional manner? Do they exhibit loyalty?

  • Mutual respect. Irrelevant of the jobs and positions, does your team and management demonstrate respect and respectful interactions in the workplace and outside of their jobs?

These four areas of need can be indicators of a good working environment which, in return, will attract employees and retain them to stay longer with your company.

In contrast, whether it is because you are so busy, have your eyes off the big picture or maybe, things have run so smoothly in the past you’re not looking for problems, there are danger signs that can heed the workplace environment is on a downward spiral.

  • A big problem is insipid and valueless politicking behind people’s backs. Disgruntled saboteurs motivated by negative wants, can turn neutral discussions and meetings into political debates for personal gains.

  • Negative gossiping is a toxin in workplaces. Whether it is a personality clash, emotionally unwell individual or envy, being involved in or playing the role of a bystander, to negative gossip creates emotional instability and plants seeds of disloyalty and doubt in otherwise healthy workplaces.

  • Lying, cheating and stealing are obvious acts that make our work environments unsafe and uncomfortable. These negative practices and illegal actions discourage people to work in a company if not addressed quickly and resolutely. We all need boundaries and consequences. Especially at work, where our actions affect all who share our work days.

Good working environments bind employees to each other and to the company.

2. Empowerment

Empowerment means giving people the power, authority, freedom and responsibility to carry out their jobs. In other words, don’t micro manage. People cannot learn to grow in a role (or in life), if they are not allowed to struggle, fail and problem solve how to be successful. Autonomy allows us to have a sense of control over our work and makes employees feel valued. Empowerment leads to greater job satisfaction, contentment in the role, endurance and accomplishment. All which leads to better commitment and loyalty from the team. Empowerment is an important motivational tool that makes employees independent by giving them the means, ability and authority to do the work.

3. Hiring the Right People

One of the worst mistakes companies can make is hiring wrong people. It only takes one person to disrupt and damage a healthy team. Introducing someone new with negative attitudes, low job competence, who do not meet the requirements of the jobs they are hired for is a recipe for chaos. Spend the time and the money to get it right. Know what skills and abilities the team needs and understand the workplace culture, to help employ the best individual for the job, the team and the company.

4. Work/Life Balance

Helping employees to achieve balance between work and their personal lives encourages a happy work environment. Many studies have revealed that work life balance is one of the main concerns of employees. Organisations which enable employees to balance work and family responsibilities experience a return in the positive impact on employees’ longevity. You will know when the balance is off, when you note an increase in sick leave, lowering work output and increased conflict.

5. Go out of your way

How about doing something global? Going out of your way to show empathy to a cause or aligning the company values with a need socially or economically will demonstrate the ethical and moral values of the organisation. Donations and mission statements with actions, can be powerful ways to improve the workplace, value add to the organisation and bond a team together.

Part 3 of improving your workplace will move closer to home and look at how you, as an individual, can improve your own workplace.

Stay tuned. Stay healthy.

Tara Harris is an emerging artist that has followed her artistic dream between working hard helping others and learning her craft. Her sculpture pieces are exhibited and create mood, form and intrigue. Primitive, coral, bone and movement are words that describe, for me, her latest work. Follow her on Instagram to keep up to date on her latest pieces.

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