Heidi Rogers is my guest writer this month, exploring emotions and understanding how and why we feel.

Anxiety 101

Understanding exactly how your brain works is fundamental to unlocking your anxiety, trauma and stress responses. This includes everything from PTSD and panic attacks, to phobias and mild anxiety that we may feel from time to time.

So how does your brain work? In a nutshell, sensory input arrives at part of your brain called the thalamus, which relays the information to your amygdala (aka: ‘lizard brain’) and your cortex (aka: ‘monkey brain’).

The History of Anxiety

Anxiety is a normal, helpful emotion that is designed to keep us safe. It helps us take notice, become aware, and tune in: something doesn’t feel safe – emotionally or physically, and our brain is trying to let us know.

Going to do a public speaking event and feel butterflies in your stomach / tightness in your chest? That’s because historically, millions of years ago, if you were surrounded by 100 pairs of eyeballs looking at JUST you, that would mean you were about to be dinner!

Increased heart rate, muscle tightness and thoughts like “Get outta here! Don’t do it!” is your brain’s way of telling you that you’re walking into an unsafe situation. It starts preparing to fight, or run away. Millions of years ago being stared at by 100 eyeballs meant death, but in the 21st century that isn’t the case. Our brain is still operating on some old wiring and old lessons learnt.

Our anxiety becomes unhelpful when it controls us, dictates our life and prohibits us from doing the things we want: public speaking, flying, driving, or attending social functions, for example.

Understanding the core of anxiety – fear and safety – is crucial in disconnecting the power it has over our lives. But first we have to understand exactly what we’re feeling afraid or unsafe about, then we can start to unpack our anxiety and bring a sense of safety back into the body.

Fight, Flight, Freeze

Anxiety can be the precursor to the ‘fight / flight / freeze’ response, which is the most basic way our brain knows of how to keep us safe. But it can sometimes operate in subtle ways.

This response is why we sometimes feel like “I really need to get out of here” when our anxiety peaks. It can also make us feel paralyzed when conflict, anxiety, trauma or overwhelming emotions arise, or drive us to lash out physically or verbally in response to those stimuli.

Understanding the brain’s relationship with anxiety: The amygdala and the cortex

The amygdala is a small almond-shaped part of the brain that drives the ‘fight / flight / freeze’ response and can generate a lot of physical responses – dilated pupils, increased heart rate, breathing capacity, tightness in muscles etc. It is responsible for getting you moving if danger strikes.

It is named for its almond shape – the direct translation of ‘amygdala’ in Greek is actually “almonds”. If you find the intersection of the points that run through your eye and through your ear, that’s where the amygdala sits.

It’s important to know what it’s called and where it sits, because part of learning how to master anxiety is to understand that it’s not “me” or “my fault”, nor is it a lack of sheer “willpower” keeping you from conquering it.

When people say “you’re not even trying to improve your anxiety”, it’s sort of like saying “you should spend more effort on using your liver or kidneys better.”

It’s not that simple and having anxiety is not a choice. Why would anyone actively choose to feel scared, worried or have a racing heart all the time?

This explains why in some instances medication can be incredibly helpful in managing anxiety, particularly while you learn other skills in therapy and begin discovering the areas where you DO have a choice and can regain control.

The cortex is the thinking part of the brain, where our analysis and reasoning takes place. It’s where we obsessively ruminate about things, worry, or analyse conversations over and over. It is the ‘logical’ part of the brain that can look at things rationally and less emotionally.

The cortex may be the more evolved or the ‘monkey’ part of the brain, but that doesn’t mean it’s in charge. When big stress or anxiety hits, the amygdala runs the show because its purpose is to keep us safe.

It makes sense if you think about it. Where safety is concerned, we can’t afford to take the time to process things or analyse them rationally.

Touch a pan on the stove that you didn’t realize was hot, or see a stick on the ground and jump back because you thought it was a snake — those actions are not guided by the cortex. If the cortex was in charge we would burn our hand or get bitten by a snake because the reaction time would be too long for the cortex to process the decision.

The only problem? Your amygdala is in the driver’s seat initially when anxiety hits….and NOT your cortex! The amygdala can easily hijack your brain because it’s centrally located, and has more connections throughout the brain than your cortex.

When you jump out of the way to avoid being hit by a car, or flinch when something startles you, that response is your amygdala in action. It’s where fear lives and specific memories and data lie (the smells, sounds and sights that we experienced during a stressful situation).

Why is this important to know?

The amygdala helps you avoid danger, but acts without consulting you (tapping into the cortex)! Which is why having anxiety is not a choice. It is the brain responding to stimuli. The choice part comes into it when we start to choose how we calm the amygdala and re-train our brain. THIS is the secret to destroying the power of anxiety.

The ‘untreated’ anxiety

Here is the kicker: the number one issue is that most people only treat cortex-based anxiety and ignore amygdala-based anxiety.

For example, during a panic attack, people will only try to talk themselves out of it, or reassure themselves through thoughts (a function of the cortex).

Or when someone is triggered by a stressful memory or flashback, or feels a panic attack coming, they might try to remind themselves they are safe and not in danger (the cortex at work again).

However, the amygdala is driving the panic attack, not the cortex. So ‘speaking’ to the amygdala in cortex language (reasoned thought) is not quickly effective.

We need to calm our amygdala with language it understands. Being our lizard brain means it needs super basic instruction and techniques to achieve this goal.

After you calm the amygdala, then you can use cortex-based strategies like re-framing your thoughts, asking yourself if your anxious thoughts are based on fear or truth, or make a list of alternative thoughts that can quiet the automatic thoughts.

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So… how do you calm your amygdala?

In short, belly-breathing (not “deep” breathing! Google: diaphragmatic breathing to find out how), is the quickest option. Once you’ve calmed your amygdala, then you can bring the cortex in and begin telling yourself calming thoughts of reassurance.

But this is the key: you must FIRST do the belly-breathing to calm amygdala down.

Once amygdala is calmer, the cortex will come back online and you can begin rationalising and using logical thought to diffuse the situation.

My favourite ways to re-train the amygdala, navigate a panic attack (and / or lessen the frequency of anxiety) are via techniques that reduce amygdala activation.

  1. Belly breathing – breathe slowly and push out your belly button on the inhale. Count the inhale to five, then exhale slowly while counting to five again. While exhaling, try to push your belly button out. It may seem weird and kind of simple, but by opening up your diaphragm a message is sent directly to your amygdala that everything is ok and your body is relaxed. We don’t breathe nice, slow relaxed breaths if we are being chased by a lion, right? This slow and deliberate breathing calms the amygdala into thinking it is relaxed and happy. This technique is the quickest way to calm your body during a panic attack and a non-negotiable first step to stopping the panic.
  2. Progressive muscle relaxation (‘tighten then release’) – start by tensing your toes, and then releasing. Slowly work your way up your body, tightening your muscles and then relaxing. Make sure to tighten your jaw and face muscles and release them. This should take about 15 minutes to slowly work through your entire body.
  3. Tension audit – ask yourself where you’re feeling tense and complete a slow scan of your body. Identify any trouble areas and focus on relaxing them, one-by-one.
  4. Imagery / visualisation – use your mind to visualize a cool and relaxing place. Some common visualisations that help include the beach, forest, space, mountains – anywhere that brings a feeling of calm. Close your eyes and explore your imagined environment, taking in the sights, sounds, smells and general feeling to enhance your sense of wellbeing.
  5. Meditation – this is a phenomenal practice that has many short-term and long-term benefits. Meditation won’t do much for you during a panic attack because it utilizes the cortex. But the purpose of meditation practice is that it structurally changes your amygdala over time, and reduces the activation that your amygdala experiences during stressful situations.

When learning how to meditate it’s encouraging to know that nobody starts out ‘good’ at it initially. It takes practice to learn how to quiet the mind!

My Favourite Resources on Anxiety and Meditation:

Books:

http://amzn.to/2pqh319

Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic and Worry by Catherine M Pittman

http://amzn.to/2HI4W6N

Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks by Barry McDonagh

http://amzn.to/2DAEs4X

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne

Apps:

Insight Timer (free) https://apple.co/2DBndR3

Smiling Mind (free) https://apple.co/2FUoDrL

Reach Out Worry Time (free) https://apple.co/2GEJh0d

Anxiety Release based on EMDR ($7.99) https://apple.co/2pm8QL6

Online:

My favourite person for guided meditations is Tara Brach: https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/.

YouTube:

Just type in “guided meditation”

“I don’t have enough time!”

This is one of the most common phrases I hear from clients. What, with managing work, relationships, homes and families, there just isn’t enough time in the day to get everything done. Let alone find precious hours to work towards new goals and implement changes for a happier life. It is an endless list, for some, on what needs to be done, can’t be done and what we would get done if only we had time. Our frustration targets time, as if it is actively working against us or somehow shrinking or running out. Why do we often feel like time works against us? To stop us from reaching our potential?

The reality is time is a construct that we can manipulate, expand and utilise, if we think about it differently. Time is our friend, as long as we respect it and use our time wisely. Having said that, knowing this is much harder than doing, isn’t it?

So why do we allow ourselves to idly let time drift by, when we could use it so much better?

Most time wasters are caught in a cross fire between a lack of self-discipline or control and unrelenting standards. On the one hand we are trying to avoid responsibility for our actions. We struggle to restrain ourselves from the more pleasurable, instantly gratifying, activities we enjoy. Some excellent time wasters like social media and watching any screen, are resources that may offer some fun, happiness and downtime, but if not restricted become vacuums for creativity and enablers of inaction. We can get lost in the comfort of mindlessness and although fine for brief periods of time, it can be highly addictive. Our own inability to be disciplined about what we do and how we do it, leads us down the path of losing minutes, hours and days of very valuable time. This, at the expense of personal fulfillment and achievement.

On the other hand, many of us have inbuilt, unrelenting standards that drive us to excessive worry and pressure to perform and achieve beyond that of normal expectations. On the surface, this drive can produce optimum performance at work and in our leisure life. If we look underneath excessive standards, maybe that high internal drive is more about fearing failure then seeking success. If so, then we struggle to take it easy, become negative and critical about what we are doing (‘it’s not good enough’), and start to focus on perfect instead of achievement. Worrying about the end result and sacrificing starting, is a time waster. Our preoccupation is about doing it right, rather than just getting in there and giving it a go.

Now, couple that anxiety about perfectionism based on unrealistic, unrelenting standards with lack of self-discipline and time becomes the enemy. There is not enough of it and even if there is, it is impossible to do it all perfectly anyway. If we can’t get it done perfectly then why bother trying and then we let our minds get preoccupied with other things that give immediate rewards, (jump back on that social media, start cleaning the bathroom again, turn the TV on).

Being time efficient is the ability to do things well, successfully, and without waste. Using time to get the best out of your life, work and relationships means you need to have some level of self-discipline, realistic standards and expectations of what you can achieve in every moment.

Think about your day.

Get a timetable and break that 24 hours into hours and then into minutes. How much time do you spend being productive and how much time is spent avoiding getting things done, that will make your life happier, more fulfilling and smoother?

Spend a week tracking what you actually do, and you will find hours and minutes that could be used to enhance your life and work towards your dreams.

Now if you could move those hours and minutes around, you might discover you have the equivalent of days in time, to start a new path forward. Imagine if you applied self-control and avoided perfectionistic standards, how much time would you have to get things done. How that feeling of accomplishment could lead to fulfillment.

Try it. It is an exercise I insist my time poor and time angry clients engage in. Changing our concept of time and how we can control it, is an important stage of self-growth. Rather than running after time waving our ‘not done list’ madly in the air, try to befriend the time that you have and be realistic about when and how you can use time efficiently. Aim for starting instead of finishing perfectly. Be disciplined with your downtime, it should only be used in short bursts to calm down, be distracted for a little while and enjoy life. Find the minutes and hours when you could start something and begin chipping away at your goals and dreams.

Well, I’ve run out of time and I have to go.

The spare hour I put aside to write this, before I checked on my 3 businesses, made breakfast, spent time with family and watched another episode of an old series, is done.

Okay, I’ll come back and edit this and maybe add or change some things, (I struggle with the unrelenting standards too), but I’ll work out when I have time to do it, arrange those minutes and hours in my day to make that time. And if not? Well, imperfect as it may be, this blog will be uploaded and shared.

That’s the way to do it.

Last month we were talking about self-care and self-compassion. My colleague put her hand up to write on the subject and did an excellent job. I bumped into her today as our working schedules crossed paths and we chatted some more. One thing we both recognised was, in writing articles on how to improve the quality of our lives and relationships, we noticed how our own ‘kindness radars’ had picked up on incidental acts of compassion around us. These accidental acknowledgments of how kind and thoughtful most people are, reminded us how good it feels to be aware of the positive actions of others always happening always around us. If you look for them. From her local florist’s heartfelt words as she sent flowers to a neighbour in need, to the warm thoughts of my team when I came down ill this week, it is important to take a moment to focus on the good stuff. To look after yourself and others.

Which brings me to what putting self-care into action looks like. Apparently, it doesn’t look like me when it comes to being ill.

A lurgy spread by a family member, (yes you know who you are), had me waking up on Thursday, dizzy and nauseas. Now, normally people recognise that they are very ill and that going to work is not an option. Not me. My mantra, ‘I am too busy to be ill,’ gripped my rational brain and refused to let go, as I got up and wobbled to the bathroom, sick and giddy, with all intentions to shower and get ready for a very hectic and very long day.

I was thinking of all the clients I needed to see. The paperwork I had to finish. The preparations for a new staff member I had to train the following day. Not only that, I had organised a meet and greet professional development for all my team and staff at a bar that evening, (Pizza and PD, you have to eat, after all). I was far too busy to be wallowing around, feeling sick.

So, this is what I did.

I rang my admin team and asked them to cancel the first client. (I was certain I would shake this annoying bug in an hour or so).

I rang again in an hour and said better cancel the next two clients as well. (My thinking was a short sleep, something to eat and I’d be back in gear).

Another few hours later, I realised I could probably go to work as long as the clients didn’t mind how distracted I would be watching the room spinning, or if I suddenly jumped up and ran to the bathroom, hand over my mouth in a desperate race to reach a sink. Yes, not going to happen.

At this point, I bit the bullet and called off the day, feeling guilty and irritated that I had let people down. I had to send an email to all at the PD event, saying I wasn’t going to make it, which was even more disappointing. It is like herding cats getting everyone together at the same time, on the same day.

As I lay on the couch, drinking tea and replying to text, emails and phone calls, (I worked out if I kept my head still I could work), I had a little epiphany moment, (or as my wonderful old friend calls them, a Disney moment).

What the hell was I doing?

I was sick as a dog and still working away. Seriously! Did I not just read all those articles on self-care and self-compassion? Where was my head, (well to be fair, it was spinning a little, but that’s no excuse)?

Self-care is about saying no when you are sick, even when your working ethic screams at you to get up and get going.

This is what I should have done.

Realised I was too sick to work and taken action. I should have called my admin (the ATeam as I like to name them), in the morning and cancelled the day, clients and PD evening. Instead of drip feeding the realisation Thursday was just not going to happen, it could have been managed all in one go. I could have gone to bed and slept, then I may have felt better instead of getting up and making another call to work and whoever else needed my time on that day every hour.

I could have allowed myself a sick day.

I could have turned my phone off.

I could have not opened my computer to check on emails and replied to them.

I could have not written and edited more of my book, or answered the phone, or replied to texts.

I should have snuggled under a blanket and watched a movie, caught up on a series I love, rested, drank tea and looked after myself.

Self-care is about noticing when you mistreat yourself and that includes putting unrealistic expectations on what you can or should be able to achieve, particularly when you are unwell. It is giving a little bit of nurture and love to yourself. Permission to say no I am unavailable, can’t make it, will need to reschedule.

None of which I did until it was blatantly obvious I could not even drive to work in the first place.

On Friday, I was a little better. I still went in to train the new employee, (yehhh, it might take a bit more time to implement the self-care all the time!). But instead of spending the day working and trying to catch up, I did the training and then packed up and came home. I cancelled an evening at the theatre (so annoying, I had been looking forward to it) because I was still not 100%, and then?

Then I did nothing but look after myself.

Like all of us, learning what is important is half the journey. Actually putting it into practice is the hard part. Yet, if I can do it, okay start to do it, then you can too.

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This month guest writer Heidi Rogers psychotherapist and counsellor, explores emotions.

We all feel emotion. It’s part of what makes us human.

Anger, sadness, fear, happiness and love are all emotions that almost every human has felt at some time of their lives.

But what are emotions, how do they differ from feelings, and why are they important?

Understanding the difference between emotions and feelings

While feelings and emotions are two sides of the same coin, they are distinctly different.

Understanding this can help you change unhealthy behaviours and find more happiness and peace in your life.

Dr.Sarah Mckay, neuroscientist and author of the Your Brain Health blog describes it in this way: "Emotions play out in the theatre of the body. Feelings play out in the theatre of the mind."

  • Emotions like fear, hatred and love trigger physical sensations in your body.
  • Feelings represent the mental experiences of your emotions, which your mind assigns meaning.

While emotions are temporary, the feelings they evoke may endure and accumulate over a lifetime.

It can be a perpetual cycle if no action is taken. Emotions cause unconscious feelings, which trigger new emotions that go on to produce more negative feelings… It can be quite exhausting!

Feelings are subjective

While basic emotions are instinctual and universal to us all, the significance they take on are shaped by an individual’s personality and experiences, which obviously fluctuates between individuals

It’s important to understand how emotions and feelings function within us because they play a key role in how we engage with others, and they are a powerful influence behind many of your actions (helpful and unhelpful).

This understanding is the key to change because many of us react to our emotions and feelings based on out-dated, fear-based perceptions.

When you become more self-aware, and can begin to identify your emotions and feelings, you can determine their origin, acknowledge their presence, and then take control back in navigating your life. Increasing our understanding of our emotions is the key to taking back the power over how we feel. We can then begin to consciously change our lives and behaviour, because we turn off ‘auto pilot’ and increase our sense of autonomy and purpose.

“Good” vs. “bad” emotions, and their purpose

We’re taught from a young age to think that painful, “negative” emotions like sadness, fear, anger or shame should be avoided, numbed, and removed from our consciousness. “Positive” emotions like happiness and love are encouraged and praised. How many times have we heard our parents, other parents or ourselves say something like “go to your room until you have changed your attitude and can be nice to everyone.” Or often I hear parents saying “stop crying” or “you don’t need to cry about this, ok?” to their children. The uncomfortable emotions we feel are sometimes uncomfortable for those around us too, and so they try to settle their own feelings of agitation by telling others to contain their negative feelings.

Evolutionary, it makes sense, right? Human beings gravitate towards pleasure and things that bring us joy, and we avoid and detest when we feel uncomfortable or experience pain. Emotions are a textbook example of this and I often hear clients say, “ugh! I hate feeling this way!”

The tricky bit is that when we avoid the negative emotions, or try to numb them, that is when we disconnect from their inherent purpose and miss the value that they can bring us.

Emotions exist because they serve the vital function of attaching ourselves to what really matters and what we deem internally valuable. Belonging and safety are two of the main feelings that humans are hardwired to require for survival. Research has shown us that our emotions are what helped our ancestors communicate their needs, and therefore were vital for survival.

Our emotions are hardwired into our bodies and are the quickest method to connect with others and ourselves. Smiling or crying evokes universal responses, despite language barriers or cultural differences.

Why do we have emotions?

The role of emotion is similar to many other purposes within our bodies: for survival. It is emotions that kick off our responses and reactions to things, and can enable t body to take action if required. Our emotions may not always be logical, but to our primitive brains, it’s all about survival –at any costs – and so pursuing safety is always our brain’s #1 agenda.

For example, if you are walking down a busy city street, and see something suddenly slither across the ground, your brain will respond with the emotion of fear, which will cause you to jump away. Logically, we know that it is unlikely to see a snake on a busy city street, but your emotions and brain will jump into gear, bypass all rational thought, just to keep you safe. When you look closer, you realize it is just a paper bag, and your emotions may turn to happiness at the relief, or maybe even embarrassment that you jumped 3 feet away to avoid the deadly paper bag!

Think about those startling experiences we all have had: a close call near accident, a loud noise, or aggressive behaviour from another person.

What happened within your body?

Your body would have bypassed any sort of ‘thinking’ and would have gone on auto-pilot, with your heart rate increasing, quickness of breath, sweating, or muscles tensing. All of this is designed by your brain in order to activate your ability to protect yourself. Most commonly known as the ‘fight, flight, freeze’ response, our bodies are guided by our emotions for what action to take. The emotion of anger can make our brain think we are under attack, sadness communicates loss, and feeling love or showing love makes our body feel safe.

Emotions spur external communication

The secondary role of emotions is to let others know how we are feeling and how that impacts group safety. Facial expressions and body language can speak volumes, across race, religion, culture and dialect. Our prehistoric ancestors needed ways to communicate “careful! We are in danger of being attacked!” by looking afraid or shaking. Or by smiling and communicating “things are good! We are safe.”

Emotions encourage inflection

Finally, emotions serve a valuable purpose in self-communication, and in helping us discern our values and goals. Our emotions can tell us what we need, or what is unhelpful. Knowing those things can help guide our life and alter our choices.

By avoiding our emotions, or numbing them, we prevent ourselves from accessing valuable information on what we need. And if we are unclear about what we need, it is harder to make decisions. Learning to listen to what our emotions are trying to tell us (as in the table above) can help guide us towards what’s important in our lives.

The old adage, ‘what we resist, persists’ rings true in this regard. Resisting, rejecting or judging our emotions is unhelpful and usually futile. We may be able to ignore or avoid our emotions for a period of time, but eventually they creep in and find a way to be heard.

It is easier to accept them, acknowledge them, and give them permission to be present. Exercising self-compassion and empathy towards ourselves is much more effective in accomplishing change or personal growth. Practicing mindfulness, and naming the emotions can be helpful in recognising what we are feeling.

“The way that guy just spoke to me is making me feel really angry. It’s interesting that I am interpreting his words in a way that makes me feel anger.” But beyond that, get curious. Ask yourself “why is this making me angry? What is that about? I wonder what his words are triggering within me?”

We have the ability to change ourselves and create the lives we want. By getting curious about your emotions, and learning how to understand them, long-lasting change is possible. Research has shown us that neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to alter functions after repetitive changes to thoughts and behaviours) is powerful and can lead to remarkable changes. Learning about our emotions is the first step to establishing control of our lives.

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Engaging in Meaningful Activities and Connecting With Other People

This is the last of the self care series written by guest writer Jane Anastasios. Enjoy.

Local Councils sometimes get a bad rap for misspending our rates, allowing inappropriate developments, and not always acting or focusing on the needs of the local community. Without entering a potential political minefield, I was greatly heartened to read our local council ‘brag sheet’ newsletter, that amongst other things, listed a whole host of free local community events and activities that they had arranged or were subsidizing – concerts, art shows, classes at sporting centres, book clubs at the library, talks by experts in different fields, gardening clubs, youth groups, computer classes. One program that stood out to me was an initiative where they link volunteers in our community to check up on and visit other members of the community (elderly, disabled, socially isolated) on a regular basis. It seemed to me that both the volunteers and the people being visited were on a winner here. A sense of meaningful participation and contribution, connecting and forming relationships with people, and being a member of their broader community. This struck a chord with me as the research into people’s psychological wellbeing and life satisfaction clearly highlights the importance of connecting with others, having a sense of belonging, and participating in meaningful and enjoyable activities as factors that lead to people feeling good about themselves and their lives. In this article we will focus in on engaging in meaningful activities that promote enjoyment, a sense of purpose, and connection as a way of looking after your ‘social’ self and enhancing your psychological wellbeing.

What the research says about engaging in enjoyable activities and psychological wellbeing.

Positive psychology researchers have all noticed a clear link between life satisfaction, improved psychological wellbeing and people who regularly engage in activities they enjoy. These are activities that are pursued just for the sake of it- for pure pleasure and enjoyment. They also note that whilst doing things just for fun and enjoyment are important, they are not the whole story (other things like contributing and connecting are stronger factors), but certainly worth doing. Engaging in things for fun and enjoyment help with feelings of happiness and positive mood, and can reduce stress in the moment (and when done regularly, over the longer term).

Some things you might like to consider:

Regular participation seems key – find ways to build enjoyable activities into your day to day life, rather than just waiting for that elusive day or holiday or retirement when you will have time to do this

You can choose things to do on your own or with others

It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money – some things are free.

It doesn’t have to take a whole lot of time.

Ask yourself what are the things you like to do just for the sheer fun or enjoyment of it. What seems important is that these activities are enjoyable to you, and you are not just doing it to please someone else, or doing it because you think other people would approve of it. It is your life so make sure you are spending some of your time on things that are important and fun to you.

Not sure what you like doing. Here are some ideas of things that some other people have tried out and enjoyed:

What the research says about engaging in activities that are purposeful and psychological wellbeing

As well as doing things just for fun, engaging in activities that bring a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and are meaningful to you are important for our wellbeing. Finding activities, whether it be through work, volunteering, studying, our hobbies, leisure pursuits, helping your household run smoothly, looking after your family, seem to help people feel more fulfilled. Taking the time to work out the kinds of activities that are important to you, bring you as sense of accomplishment, purpose, and engage you, is one way of taking better care of yourself and your wellbeing. Positive psychology researchers have found that when people find or create purpose in activities they tend to report high levels of life satisfaction. Oftentimes these activities involve sheer hard work (as opposed to than those activities we simply do for fun) and can be challenging, but when they are linked to something that is personally meaningful, or that you value, or that plays to your strengths, people seem to find these kinds of activities engaging and satisfying and in turn this leads to improved psychological wellbeing. People who say that at times they become so deeply immersed or involved in some of their activities (what psychologists refer to as ‘flow’) also report high levels of life satisfaction.

Some things you might like to consider:

Take the time to work out what kinds of activities deeply engage you – for each of us it will be different

Sometimes our jobs or some aspects of them can provide this sense of purpose and/or level of deep engagement. Allowing ourselves to focus some of our time on these parts of our work (as well as doing the other less enticing parts) seems like a good idea.

Purposeful and engaging activities where you experience a sense of accomplishment are not just about your job and might involve other roles or parts of your life (eg. building a cubby house for your nieces, helping to run a school fete, volunteering your time to help new immigrants to learn English; teaching your child how to ride a bike; cooking a new recipe; a workout at the gym, nutting out a difficult knitting pattern, weeding and planting a garden bed)

Take the time to work out your skills and strengths and things where you like being challenged

If you are having trouble finding something that you currently do that brings you a sense of purpose, engagement, or accomplishment, remember some past activities you have done before when you experienced this - What was it about this activity that gave you this feeling (was it helping other people, was it a sense of learning something new, was it putting together a bunch of new ideas, was it creating something)

What are the things you value in life (e.g. being kind, being a team player, being organized, learning, teaching, creating, being resourceful; bringing people together)

What the research says about connecting with others and psychological wellbeing

Even though this article and the previous 3 are focused on self-care- the things that you can do to look after yourself- the “self” in self-care doesn’t mean you have to do this on your own. In fact, the research is pretty clear that people tend to do best when we have meaningful, enjoyable, and/or supportive connections with others. When we are struggling seeking help from others whether it be a friend, family member, or professional (e.g., a GP, counsellor, social worker, teacher), seems to lessen the load. When we seek out opportunities to connect with other people this can help us feel less isolated and alone and can also potentially be a source of enjoyment. Psychologists interested in resilience have found that when people have a good sense of belonging and feel connected to a community, and have someone they can go to for support (family, friend, professional) they tend to cope relatively well with the inevitable difficulties in life. Researchers are also finding strong links between people’s wellbeing and the satisfaction they derive by getting involved in broader community concerns or contributing by helping others in need. I like the notion of interdependence as a way of understanding this. We are individuals, who at times like being on our own and can rely on ourselves, yet also at times need others and enjoy our connections with others.

My work with children over the years has taught me a lot about the importance of connections and how it seems to work, from their point of view. What they tell me about how connections with others works, also seems equally apt for adults. In a nutshell what children and young people tell me is that some people are there to help us in practical ways, some for fun, some for doing things with even if we don’t like them that much (like school work, making things, team sports), some to care for you or about you, some to teach you, some are for close friendships, and some just to hang out with (kind of friends but maybe not your best friend), some are just people you know cos you see them a lot (like the lady at your favourite bakery, the hairdresser), sometimes you have fights and make up (or not), sometimes you just don’t hit it off with some people, sometimes you might like people but not see them much, and our connections and relationships with people can change over time.

Some things you might like to consider:

Look for opportunities to create new connections. Here’s a few ideas:

Go to your kid’s school social events or working bees

Join a sporting team, a walking group or similar interest

Join a book group, film club, chess club

Join a support group

Book in for some classes at your local adult learning centres

Talk to the other parents at the park where your kids play, rather than just scrolling through your phone.

Say a little more than hello to the person who serves you regularly at your coffee shop, supermarket, newsagent, the school crossing supervisor, the neighbour you often see but don’t know

Check out the local Men’s shed

Volunteer your time and skills – there are heaps of ways to contribute and connect. For more ideas about this try contacting your local Council or look up some ideas on the internet.

We all have different comfort levels and skills when connecting with other people. Some people have an easier time of connecting with others- they seem to thrive or be in their element; other people might like to connect with others, but struggle to be around large groups of people for too long, preferring smaller groups or one-on-one time; some people feel quite uncomfortable with this whole area but wish to connect with others. If you struggle with shyness, social anxiety or if you’re not too confident with all of this, seek help from a psychologist who may be able to help with some skills and strategies.

Strengthen existing connections and relationships. This might be as simple as arranging more regular catch ups, inviting some people you have just met to attend an event with you, chatting with your work colleagues, sending an email to someone who lives further away and haven’t seen for a while – doesn’t have to be lengthy, just short and sweet is better than not at all. Bake a cake for a neighbour just because you feel like it, offer to pick up or drop off one of your kids’ school mates- sometimes it is actions and not words.

Ask for help and seek support when you need it – there is usually someone who is keen and able to help in whatever way they can, especially when they know you need it and have some ideas about what they can do to help. Whether it be help with building a new fence at home, picking up the kids from school when you are stuck at work, making people aware that you are sick at home and might need a bit of a hand, or if you are struggling emotionally you might need a kind listening ear. And when someone you know could do with some help, do what you can even it is just a quick encouraging text or phone call.

Want to know a bit more about all of this:

For those of you of my vintage or earlier check out this link…Remember Norm and the Life Be in it campaign

https://youtu.be/N_QRyNu9Q3o

And a bit more on the serious, meaty, and research side, check out a Ted Talk “The new era of positive psychology” by Martin Seligman a prominent Positive Psychology Researcher talking a bit more about all of the ideas about engaging in activities and our psychological wellbeing.

Take care.

I love it when you come across a product that does what it actually says it will. Not only that, the ethics and inspiration for the product comes from a true, authentic place. Jacqueline Evans products are beautiful and an indulgence we all deserve.

In keeping with a theme of self care these are beautiful natural products made with love and from the heart to improve your skin. Luxurious!

Have a look at her website and try it for yourself.

https://www.jacquelineevans.com.au/instagram jevansskincare

We all like to think we are providing a good work-life balance for our teams. Most organsiations have a solid awareness of areas of improvement and concern in the workplace and within their teams. Still, there is always room for improvement. Changing things, upgrading or revitalizing will help your mission to enhance your teams working life. Aim to keep the culture fresh and current with new options for happier employees.

Over the next few months I'll keep adding to the list of ways to improve your teams working life. For now, here are 5 ways you might need to think about or review.

1- Mind Trophies:

Have you got this locked in yet? A reward and recognition system (or as I call them, Mind Trophies), that includes both material as well as psychological rewards, always goes a long way to keeping your team focused on the big picture. Where there is a reward you will often, but not always, find commitment. Don't get caught up in bonuses and wage increases. Rewards can be more creative. A late morning start. A shorter day. A day off! A surprise feast in the staff room. An activity after hours. How about a yoga class or relaxation activity in work hours? Keeping it really simple, an email to everyone on a job well done. A personal thank you in a gift voucher. If you need a competitive team to work together, how about employee of the week? Or month? Make sure you keep the criteria moving so everyone has a fair shot, (how about most productive to most friendly?). Providing the proper reward and recognition can stem disgruntled people in your team from finding a hook to drag others down with them. It can shift an unhappy employee into a more open and positive frame of mind. Remember, we want to grow their skills and energy and for that we need mind trophies.

2- Personal Growth & Work Opportunities:

Opportunity to try something new and personal growth in a workplace is a powerful distraction to reduce conflict and unhappiness. Goals and dreams keep hope alive. By creating avenues forward (and even sideways as long as it has something new to offer), our teams can be focused on improvement rather than stalling in dissatisfaction. Better yet, if grumblings are starting, (you know what I'm saying, short answers, negative body language, reduced eye contact), ask your team members what kind of opportunities do they want? We all need to be challenged in some way, in order to develop resilience and intelligence. How are you developing opportunities to learn and grow in your team? Explore and create.

3- Respect & Self Esteem:

Whatever the status, everyone needs respect. A good manager demonstrates this and encourages everyone around them to emulate. A manager I worked with lost respect from their team because of their behavior. The thing was, they had no idea how they behaved or that the team had become affected by it. All of us, managers, directors, CEO's and staff need to be cognizant of how we demonstrate respect and expect it to be shown to us. Whether you like your colleague on a personal level is irrelevant. At work we aim to be professional, at all times. Showing respect for each other demonstrates this to ourselves and our team.

The way we converse and behave is also an indicator of our self-worth. It improves our self-esteem and those around us when we act in a polite and respectful manner in the workplace. Congratulating each other on a job well done, for helping out, staying back late or organising meetings or work social events boosts self-esteem and creates a friendlier workplace culture. Don't forget to say thank you. It goes a long way. When people are respected, and we build their self-esteem, they do their best to push for success.

4- Vision:

It is no use trying to get a team positively focused if they are asking you 'Commitment towards what?' Organizations and leaders should provide a compelling vision of the future to employees. Careful not to make it too long term, unless you have profiled all your team and they match on endurance and ambition traits, you might need to come up with short and long-term visions. Most people will be content if they can visualize what they are supposed to achieve. An effective leader will motivate people, by giving them a vision of what they can become and how they can be part of the transformation of the organisations, from where it is now to reaching the vision in the future.

5- Walk the Walk:

In order to sustain an improved work life and have the support from employees, employers should initiate by example or self-commitment. Don't expect your team to believe what you are saying if you talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I often sit at my admin's desk and do the work. Answer the phones, take bookings and fumble about in the extensive computer system (which I am often asked to leave, politely but firmly by my clinic manager!). I talk to prospective clients and answer questions from our team of consultants. I'm not sure how helpful I am, but it is important to acknowledge the job they do and demonstrate my own personal commitment to the workplace running well. I try being a positive energy each time I walk through the door. Lead by example. Being present and approachable is the best way of measuring stress and work load in the team. You can find out how successful your input is by how smoothly the operation side of the business is running.

Let's not forget the basics here too. Have you got the proper tools and equipment to improve their work life? Have you provided adequate training and development to reach the vision you have talked about. Are you putting out the interpersonal fires as they spring up? Do you make time to manage rather than oversee your team?

Improving your teams work life is about building a culture of optimism, growth, respect and reward for hard work. All which can be modelled by you, the leadership.

Look out for the next tips in the next few months, on building a better work life for your team.

Life Works When - A Story of Piecing Happiness Together for a Successful Life

By Sarah Godfrey

Illustrations by Carol Gray

Available now on Amazon

After years of being asked, how do I find happiness, I finally bit the bullet and have summed up the 5 pieces of life's puzzle, needed to find a sense of peace, contentment and joy, (which in my view is the definition of Happiness).

Beautifully illustrated by Carol Gray, who has brought humour and humanity to the characters in the book, this narrative takes the reader on a short journey of personal discovery. Based on 16 years of psychological experience, Life Works When - A Story of Piecing Happiness Together for Successful Life, is designed to remind you what is important when we are chasing that dream of being happy, and how we can get lost trying to get there.

Fun, whimsical and real, if you follow and focus on mastering these 5 steps, you might just get to where you want to go.

Oh, like in the movies, the end of the book maybe isn't the end if you keep reading! We have added a surprise as a reminder how to laugh at ourselves, even when what we try to accomplish might be serious.

Enjoy!

Cheers, Sarah