In business speak, we define the skills we have in the workplace as soft or hard skills. Soft skills, in simple terms, means the growth of ‘personal attributes that enable you to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people.’ Hard skills are seen as techniques, strategies, knowledge and skills you learn or are taught to perform in your working career.

We usually talk in terms of soft skills when we are discussing workplaces, employees and leadership qualities. This is because soft skills are about improved and increased people skills that enhance performance in teams and in management or leadership positions. They complement the hard skills we bring to our profession. A person with excellent soft skills is more likely to navigate through the complex communications, interactions and conflicts found in workplaces, with higher levels of success, than perhaps, someone with less advanced soft skills. It can be the difference between career advancement or not.

Recent research by the Melbourne Graduate School of Education, released this year, brought to light that over the past 10 years, soft skills in general, seem to be falling below expectations and for many population groups learning these basic human skills will be the difference between where they want to be in life and if they will achieve it.

These abilities, which I call human skills, are increasingly neglected in the generations coming through. Not only that, but there is a universal ignorance about how important these skills are, in fact as important as the hard skills we are so focused on learning and teaching. These human skills are vital to increasing your opportunities for a successful, happy life and a long career. They are integral to bonding in, and to, our communities and societies.

Human skills need human interactions.

Of course, the reduction in our ability to practice our human skills hasn’t been helped by our increasing reliance on technology, that separates us from interacting with each other in the same spaces. Human skills need to be practised in real life. Not through a screen. There are enough indications that these human skills, or rather those who have them, will be more likely to have success in life, love and their chosen career paths. These skills make us, as human beings, more adaptable, flexible and adventurous in an ever-changing and complicated world. Our focus needs to be as much on learning and becoming skilful with human skills, as it is with hard skills. Particularly as we continue to rely on more online and phone-based communications.

So, what are they, these essential human skills for success that we somehow continue to neglect or are devalued in light of other abilities? What are the skills we need that exceed the workplace focus and are essential to having authentic, long-lasting success?

Innovation

The first skill we need for longevity in a successful life is innovation. Let’s shift this definition away from a business model which is focused on creating a product that is novel or new, and look at it as a human skill. Okay, not all of us have creative brains that can come up with the next big thing, but innovation is not just about creating a new product, it is about making a meaningful impact on society. It is about learning how to use new ideas or even to create the new ideas yourself. Innovation is mental risk-taking. Intelligence used for discovery of something new. In human skill terms, we are talking about self-development. New ways of being yourself. New ideas about authenticity and self-belief. New challenges in developing, changing and growing in this life. Innovation, as a human skill, is about creating new from within ourselves and producing a better, more effective and more adaptive self as we grow. Innovation, in an interpersonal sense, is about finding better solutions to your existing problems. Trying a different approach. Being innovative when dealing with others. Innovation can be about how we articulate our needs to produce a new result in relationships and in our lives. The goal of innovation is to solve an existing issue with a new approach, idea, skill or to introduce a different way of being in the situation.

Communication.

Communication is the second human skill we need for a successful life. Being an effective communicator is more difficult than we think. Hence so many articles and books are written on how to interconnect with each other. This is because it is a balance between your needs and wants and the other persons needs and wants. It is a highly skilled ability to be clear, articulate and in control of your emotions, when talking (and even more so when arguing), with others. I continually hear from clients, “I am a good communicator,” or “I have no problem expressing myself” or “I’m not afraid of talking about things”. Yet they seem to miss the skills to take those conversations to a positive end and resolve them with a capacity for learning. Or know when a conversation is not needed, when not to share and when to listen. Communication is about an interaction with another human being, not just talking or expressing your viewpoint, irrelevant of the listeners’ needs. (For more on different skills from courageous conversations to assertive versus aggressive communication, see my recent article How to be assertive without upsetting others.).

There is a vast difference between the skill of communicating online or via texting than sitting in the room with another person and expressing yourself or letting them express their side of the story.

So many clients present with very high levels of anxiety, when put in real-life versus online situations, where they must converse in person. They become overwhelmed with the things a screen cannot prepare you for or teach you to interpret and manage. Body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, these are human skills that can turn a talk into an argument if not mastered. A difficult conversation into a productive one. Not knowing this human skill can lead to serious misinterpretation of what another human being is trying to say or do. Reading the nonverbal language is a human skill just as important as having learnt the verbal language. Communication is so much more than words. To be successful in this world knowing how to communicate is vital. From family to teachers, to employers, to friends, to lovers, to children, the better we are at hearing, reading and talking to others, the more successful we become.

Problem-solving

I prefer the term solution finding, but knowing how to resolve issues is the third human skill essential to finding success. Technology does some amazing things. It links us to the world and information we could never normally access. We can travel to exotic places, see concerts from bands playing in other countries, experience space, play games that are so real it’s spooky, and meet people from all over the world. Technology has increased our processing speed. We consume data in a way we have never before. We are quicker, better and more adaptable in dexterity and in analysing information. However, everything is about balance and compromise. Just as we are excelling in some cognitions with the aid of technology, so are other cognitions weakening. What we are losing, amongst all this incredible knowledge and experience technology gives us, is the skill for creative problem-solving.

Our reliance on technology to provide or compute answers from simple queries to more complex solution finding tasks is leaving the very human skill of problem-solving, neglected and underutilised.

We are becoming less apt at using our imagination and creativity, to get out of sticky situations or to find solutions to normal issues we come across in life. We are actually losing the human skill to resolve problems and find effective solutions, on our own. The repercussions are significant in managing our personal interactions, resilience building and coping strategies. These are abilities directly related to confidence, anxiety, stress and depression. This human skill defines how well we can cope with the day to day hustle of life, as well as the traumatic experiences that are part of being human in this world.

Collaboration

The final human skill we need for future success is collaboration. This means the art of how to get along with others and be tolerant of people’s quirks, views and habits. We need to work on learning how to connect and work with others in life. From within families, to friendship groups and work teams, learning how to collaborate makes the difference between forming bonds with others and not. For example, a basic exercise in collaboration happened not so long ago in my life. While on holiday, much to the horror of my children, the house we rented did not have internet access and was out of range for our wi-fi. After the initial shock, we had to learn to collaborate in the evenings over what DVD to watch. It was an exercise in compromise and working with each other. Usually, if someone doesn’t want to watch a program or movie, they can wander off or view something on their own screens. Not here. We spent time talking and discussing what each of us wanted, collaborating to come to an agreement. It was interesting and a reminder of how easy it is to take a non-collaborative option in our world. How we navigate through compromise, negotiations and self-sacrificing (where feasible), is a very human skill that is undervalued.

We collaborate so we can produce something of value. In human skill terms, it means how we work within groups, (like our community) and the bigger society we belong to. Team sports are a perfect demonstration of collaboration. It just happens that often we leave these skills on the playing field or court and forget that it is a general human skill that can be implemented everywhere. It is a concept bigger than ourselves. We need to collaborate with neighbours, communities, societies and countries. Working with others is about understanding what it takes to reach a united goal and the value of partnerships. How to form an alliance and have loyalty to others. Collaboration is about participation. It can start with forming a partnership with parents by helping around the house as a way to contribute to the family. It can develop into a skill that grows to negotiating within friendship groups at school. It becomes important as we mature and form alliances at work. It is essential to participate in social and global issues.

Collaboration is not a ‘me’ concept it an ‘us’ idea.

There you have it. If you want to be successful in whatever is your passion or dream, these four human skills are a necessity to master. They will solidify your ability to resolve, adapt and be flexible in your interpersonal relationships. They will teach you how to be a mental risk taker for positive outcomes and challenges. They will push you to think beyond your own value and how you connect, interact and connect to the people around you and the society you are part of. They will teach you the art of interacting, communication and reading people in real life situations. Human skills are a basic necessity, to achieve a successful and happier life.

Research: Life Patterns Ten years following Generation Y by Melbourne Graduate School of Education (2008-2018)

 

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I was at a networking group the other day. I don't often go to these things as I am lucky enough that my network is made up of recommendations and incidental meetings. But it is good to go to these opportunities, you never know who you might meet or what you might learn. For most of the group, it appeared beneficial. Lots of connections and talking and assimilating into like-minded groups. For me, I walked away with meeting a few really interesting (and fun) professionals that I am looking forward to catching up and co-mentoring in the near future. However, as I wandered around this large group of professionals, in an informal setting, I was struck by a few who appeared to have mistaken assertive ways of interacting with aggressive. I have to say how surprised I was at the lack of professional insight many of the group demonstrated. How little skill many had in communicating their needs efficiently and clearly. How many did not know (or chose to ignore), the difference between aggressive and assertive interactions. It is these, admittedly unwitting, people and their aggressive conversation style, that has inspired this month's blog.

 

There is a vast difference between being eager, assertive or aggressive in our communication style. When we are eager we strongly want to do or have something. It makes us appear a little impatient but full of hope and passion.

We express eagerness in our expressions and tone of voice, as we show our listener that we are keenly expectant or really interested, in their topic or company. Sometimes it can become annoying to the person you are talking to if the eagerness develops into pestering or aggressiveness. Be eager, but don't let that passion tip into aggressiveness.

Aggressive, on the other hand, is where we express what we say without thinking about the wellbeing of the person we are engaged in conversation with. It is a harmful style of communicating that can make others feel socially anxious and make their opinion of you diminished. Aggressive is about dismissing the needs of someone else by belittling their confidence.

Sometimes we can get confused between aggressive and assertive styles of conversation. Let's make it clearer. When you are being assertive you are expressing an opinion and showing respect towards your listener and yourself, at the same time. When you are being aggressive, your style of interpersonal skill is to ignore, denigrate, bully or attack your listeners' opinion, particularly if it contradicts your own.

It is very easy to slip into a passive style of talking (don't state your opinion at all) when you are confronted by aggressive people in social settings. They can blindside you and intimidate you. But it's not okay for others to push your opinions down so, they can feel superior.

Here are some ways you can start to practice being less aggressive and more assertive, particularly professionally, but also in your day to day interactions.

1. Active Listening

Let's start with paying attention. If you are actively listening to the speaker then you can begin to understand what they are trying to communicate and reduce inadvertent feelings that you are disengaged. Not being present when listening to someone can make people defensive and then aggressive. Be a participant in the conversation.

2. No is not a bad word!

When did saying no to someone equate with being unhealthily selfish? 'No' is a part of your speech you need to practice. And use! People pleasing will only get you so far in life and pull you away from being authentic. Saying no is like any new skill. You have to practice it! Use a mirror and watch yourself saying no, let your mind hear it, recognise your face as you say it. No need to shout it at your listener, however, keep it calm, sincere and reasonable in the way you speak. I don't mean run around saying no willy-nilly, either. When you feel compromised or uncomfortable or bullied into an opinion, that is when the 'no' is needed. Assertiveness means you say this with an understanding that a person's feelings are at stake. So be respectful and maybe add on the reason why you are saying no. Be strong and clear about the 'why'. Remember the idea behind being assertive is not to win or make others feel bad, it is about developing the strength to stay authentic to who you are and what you believe in.

3. Agree to disagree.

If someone is not agreeing with you, that is their right. They don't have to believe in your opinion. Your role is not to bully them into submission either. Agree to disagree. Validate their choice in the conversation and maintain your own belief. Remember, however just being challenged in your opinion is not always a bad thing. Maybe there is growth in learning something new, different or challenging in what they are saying. Be assertive with your own belief but not at the expensive of offending. Keep reasonable and focused.

4. Tone of voice.

Keep that tone in your speech quiet and low (not a threatening growl here), and calm. Breath out and focus on being relaxed. This will take the edge off your speech and imply you are not provoking conflict. When we are assertive rather than aggressive, we can get our point across using the emphasis on content rather than volume. Speak slowly to stay in control. Be mindful of volume to indicate calmness. Be patient if they are not responding to your words. Try not to hesitate too much, it can show uncertainty and doubt.

5. Use 'I'.

Stay with discussing your opinion and needs rather than telling others their opinion and needs. Try to use statements that express your feelings and beliefs by using 'I'. Examples are starting the conversation with 'I think' or 'I feel'. If you are using terms such as, 'you never' or 'you always', you are being aggressive and implying you know more than the person listening does, about themselves. It will immediately create a defensiveness. Stick with what you know, use "I" to frame what you want to express and keep the direction of the conversation focused on you rather dictating to someone what they are feeling or experiencing.

6. Stay to problem solve.

Most people can feel uncomfortable when they are being assertive, particularly when the listener is not responding. To leave the conversation is passive. It is giving in to the aggression of the person you are expressing your needs to. Unless the conversation has quickly escalated to put you at risk (which means you need to place safety over-assertiveness), try to stay until you get the answer you can be satisfied with. Note, I didn't say the answer you want. Assertiveness is about expressing your authenticity. Not about winning or convincing someone of your point of view. Try to continue the conversation in a calm and respectful way until you believe they have heard you clearly. You can ask them to clarify if they have heard you correctly, ask more questions, listen to their answers openly or move the conversation towards options for resolution. The focus is no-one should walk away feeling upset or hurt by the interaction.

7. Avoid guilt trips.

Assertiveness is not about making someone feel bad or guilty about being with you. It is about your need to be authentic, honest, respectful to yourself and to them. Avoid accusations, implying they are wrong or hurtful and keep focused on expressing your opinion being articulate, kind and clear. The interaction you are having must be meaningful and worthwhile. It is about building your authenticity and integrity and leaving your listener with theirs.

8. Practise assertiveness.

Practice. Practice. Can't say it enough. No new skill is learnt on the first try. The brain is a muscle and needs to be worked in order to have an optimum outcome. Use a mirror, friends and family to build your confidence and skills in being assertive. Think of it as part of your toolkit for life. The more assertive you are able to be, the more authentic in this world you will become.

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Sometimes in life, we find ourselves, not in a good place. Events occur, things happen that put our emotions in overdrive. We find we are ranting at the phone and madly texting because someone has slighted us, angered us or hurt us. In these moments we stop thinking and just start feeling. This can lead to drawn out and highly destructive conversations and behaviours, as we madly produce a long diatribe of all the terrible things someone has done to us, how awful they are for breaking our heart, robbing us of the future we wanted, how selfish they are for not giving in to our entitled demands or giving us yet another chance.

They are not the conversations we wish we could have had or the way we would prefer to act, but as we all know, it is hard to always be true to who we should be. Occasionally that awful, unregulated version of ourselves creeps out and takes over. Without really considering what we are doing, we let our reasoning slide into the pit of bad behaviour. Our distress pulls us away from who we really are and want to be and morphs us into a nasty, unpredictable and self-absorbed wounded mass of anger and despair.

When this happens, we are experiencing emotional hijacking. Our emotions are off and running, irrationally deciding how we will act and what we will feel and say without using any of the other grey matter at our disposal. We click on send and the abusive tirade of our distress is shot off into cyberspace, instantly delivered to a human being that was simply saying I don't want to do what you want me to do, as is my right as an individual.

Sometimes, we don't act in a way that we're proud of. Sometimes we lose ourselves and behave in ways so foreign to who we are, that we don't even recognise ourselves. We are all capable of misconduct, bad behaviour or maladaptive thinking that leads us down the path of shame, guilt and even horror at what we have done. It's like the best parts we have, steps to the side and with a grandiose gesture with the arm, waves the worst of us through. We are, in essence, saying 'please, primeval, exaggerated and out of control feelings, take over from here.'

How did we get to this point?

The blame lies with a little almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for detecting fear and other emotions. If left to its own primitive devices, this tiny part of our complex brain, can and does, control what we do, say and feel. Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, called the loss of control over our emotions as the 'amygdala hijack.' We experience an amygdala hijack, when we have an immediate and overwhelming reaction to something, that is well out of proportion to the event itself. We are emotionally hijacked when we fail to use reason in problem solving. It happens when we tell ourselves, 'because I feel hurt, I can cause hurt.' In begins in the moments when we believe we have a right to express our anger, in spite of how disproportionate and inappropriate that anger is voiced and unleashed on to others. It continues when we become so overwhelmed with negative feelings, we no longer see how we are coming across to others or how unreasonable we have become.

Let's be honest, it is never our finest hour when we let our emotions govern what we do. Not by a long shot. Here's why:

  • We are acting from a negative, primitive mindset that isn't true to our value.

  • We end up only reassuring others they've made the right choice in leaving us, (ending the friendship, relationship, challenging our behaviour).

  • We are emotionally out of control and unreasonable.

  • We confuse love with ownership or abuse when our reactions are filtered through overwhelming anger or hurt.

  • We become blaming when we are overreacting to a sense of unfairness

  • We project our hurt and shame onto others, without considering if it is justified.

  • We leave others with a lasting image of us as an angry, blaming child throwing an irrational tantrum because we didn't get what we wanted.

Emotional hijacking can happen to all of us. We all know how easy it is to let that sensitive section of the brain take charge and lead us off our authentic path and down some murky roads. The emotional brain is highly susceptible to over projection, becoming overwhelmed and distress intolerance. When activated and unrestrained it can hold the intellect for ransom. It is hard to negotiate with a brain that is running on feelings alone. Without filtering our emotions through our rational thinking, our feelings become destructive, to ourselves and to others. Our mental stability can be hijacked by the amygdala and when left to run amok, is able to create all kind of regrets and embarrassment, as the feeling tries to justify what we do. Particularly when these emotions are not filtered through the frontal cortex, the part of our brain built for problem solving and rationality.

Now it's done. The negotiations failed and your out of control emotions will have to answer for their behaviour. You've acted in a way that devalued yourself and harmed another, often someone you cared about.

Although it is often difficult to restrain ourselves once the hijacking has occurred, it's what we do next that can define us. Whether the relationship is over, irreparably damaged or has just been tested, what we do next will leave a lasting impression about our character and value. Once your emotions have been hijacked, you have a chance to take control back and act in a way that defines your true self. What you do next will have the power to start to make amends for your reactions.

The next step is to repair the damage. Why not act in a way that leaves you and those around you with pride, and at least, with a good memory of their time with you. If we can't save the relationship after our behaviour, at least we can save our authenticity. You are a sum of your actions and believe me, behaviour does speak louder than words.

Remember, your worst day does not define your character, but what you do next will.

It will leave a lasting impression on those around you. It will define your real authenticity and ability to be adult and self-aware in this world. So, what do we do when our reason has been sabotaged and held hostage, and our intellect failed to negotiate on our behalf? What can we do to make things better and start acting like our true self?

Your choice is to stop letting your emotional brain continue to justify your actions and start to control your rational brain. Take charge again.

Here are some ways that can be done.

  • Apologise for acting in a harmful, mean or selfish manner.

  • Accept, with grace and dignity, the end of the relationship.

  • Respect that they are allowed to have a choice too, even if that choice is not what you want and upsets you.

  • Accept the reality of what's happening and the right of others to choose differently to you.

  • Forgive those who have triggered your intense and irrational feelings.

  • Explain your behaviour and seek forgiveness.

  • Take responsibility for your actions and stop blaming others for what you do in life.

  • Make amends by acting with honour, pride and humanity.

  • Own your mistakes and stop making excuses.

  • Admit you have been out of control and unreasonable.

  • Recognise, by their reactions to you, you are being emotionally hijacked and rational thinking has not been activated.

Emotional hijacking can lead us to respond to hurt by attacking, humiliating, denial or rage. Once we have acted on these untethered feelings it is hard to take them back. Our only option is to own what we have done and seek compassion from others.

Each action defines us. We can't always act with our best behaviour and we will all make mistakes. What we do next, how we behave afterwards and the choices we make will, at the end of the day, define who we are, as a person, as a member of your tribe and as a part of the world community. All our actions have interactions and long term impact, that stretch much farther than the people we are directly involved with.

What we do next will define our true character and can re-define the acts we would like to forget.

What you do next is your choice.

Sarah Godfrey

Don't be a hot head! 8 ways you can reduce conflict in the workplace.

No-one likes a hot head. Especially in the workplace. From passive aggressive eyebrow raising to overt bullying, bad tempers and bad dispositions can create enormous disharmony amongst your team and for us personally. The point is conflict takes two to happen. One to start it and the other to react.

What we do know from research on conflict in the workplace and the time and costs it has on business, is that it takes its toll. Between 30 to 50 per cent of management's time can be spent in managing conflict in the work environment. Human resource executives can spend anywhere up to 20 percent of their time in activities revolving around conflict and litigation.

It's not just time and money that impacts on a business when conflict arises the human factor is just as dramatically impacted upon. Sandberg reported over 10 years ago that unresolved conflict contributed to 'staff absenteeism, attrition and litigation expenses; while low morale, productivity losses and impaired decision making are among the many hidden costs.' He noted that severe conflicts can lead to the complete restructuring of teams if left or handled unsuccessfully. Yet, bullying and conflict still remain a huge problem for many work environments. We don't seem to have found a real solution.

One reason is we often leave seeking help and coaching advice until things have escalated to the point of near no return. As Sandberg said, "Coaches use a powerful and empathetic questioning method that assists individuals to identify the triggers to conflict escalation and bring to the surface the assumptions inevitably held about the other party and the conflict itself." If the problem doesn't fix itself quickly, the outcome can have a huge impact on the workplace environment. Instead of waiting until a small problem has become a massive infraction, call in coaches to lead you through the process and out of the waste of time, money and human stress conflict causes.

The question is whose responsibility is it to resolve and prevent unnecessary conflict in the workplace? Is it ours, your work colleges or your bosses? Who should take the lead on creating a conflict free environment?

I'm very big on self-responsibility and ownership of how we act and interact in this world, which means, of course, let's start with ourselves. If we focus on reducing conflict and putting out as many spot fires as we can, then our workplaces are bound to be happier, healthy and more productive places to work.

So here we go, see how many you already do and how many more conflict reducing strategies you can implement.

1. Be positive.

If you want to work in a more positive environment, you must be positive. It's amazing how much of an effect a cheerful disposition can have on those around you and on the general atmosphere. In addition, a number of studies show that positive people are better placed to deal with stress, anxiety and challenges. This means you will be less likely to be drawn into other people's negativity and game playing.

2. Be aware of personality clashes.

As in life, we often come across people who we don't gel with. We don't have to get along with everybody, but we do have to respect differences. If you don't like someone's personality type or you find it clashes with your own, acknowledge that is what is occurring. Avoiding certain individuals in the office won't work, but you should certainly not become involved in other people's disagreements, or start your own because of the clashes in personality. Register your frustration and talk to a trusted person to diffuse your feelings.

3. Communicate respectfully.

The old mantra of 'treating people as you would like to be treated' is a good tactic in avoiding workplace conflict. Asking people for their co-operation rather than giving instructions, enquiring about people's weekends and thanking others for help they have given you will help you to maintain positive relationships with others. Understand that a demanding, entitled approach to conflict resolution will only decrease the chances of a good resolution. Don't bitch, whine or gossip about the problem or personal. Use appropriate ways to find a starting point to talk. Seek help if you don't know how to approach the situation.

4. Don't get involved in emotional manipulation.

Some people are used to getting their own way by using emotions, be they anger, fear, guilt or histrionics. If they succeed in doing this in the workplace, it will cause resentment and lead to arguments or blame shifting. Highly emotive people may be dysregulated emotionally and that means unpredictable in a workplace. Be observant, people can be cunning and manipulate your sympathies if they need to build an army against someone or something. Be aware cliques in the workplace can be particularly damaging and can even result in dismissals if the environment becomes impossible. If anyone asks you to align yourself with them against others, simply say that you value working with everybody. Avoid being drawn into emotional battles that have nothing to do with you. Have empathy but think clearly about being the shoulder to cry on, particularly if you only hear half of the story. Don't get emotionally ensnared by the drama king or queen at work.

5. Know what's important

Disputes can grow from the smallest of issues. Something as inconsequential as taking someone else's pen can escalate into accusations of poor work performance. Once you have an impression of a colleague from a particular incident, you will look for other examples, however small, to reinforce that opinion. One error or mistake, even a disagreement does not mean the working relationship needs to be erased. Resolve the problem with clarity and respect and then let it go. Avoid holding on to petty and insignificant slights.

6. Identify conflict

Dealing with a conflict at work can be tough. The aim is to compromise and be balanced in your expectations. Avoid believing you have a right to win, especially at the expense of working relationships you may just need to rely on later. Resolving conflict is better than trying to "win" because this helps people on both sides feel as though their concerns were valid and considered. Reaching fair compromises will help to eliminate stress that will ultimately lower productivity levels.

7. Find out reasons

Any environment where people are charged and emotionally invested in the events taking place, can be a perfect setting for conflict to happen. People are inevitably bound to have a disagreement on how things should be done which can lead to issues between those with differing opinions. If someone received a promotion or bonus it can lead to jealousy, particularly if others feel as though these benefits were earned unfairly. Disagreements in the workplace can also be personal. When you see the same people every day their habits can become irritating. If someone is messy, loud or confrontational it can make it difficult to focus on work. Define if the conflict is about business or personal? Is it a performance-based problem that is annoying you or a personal habit or presentation that irritates you? Think about the why your opinions are at odds with someone else. What merit does the other person have in their argument. Is there a way your reasons can be understood and worked through without butting heads? Why are you struggling to accept their version or reasons in the issue? Do you haev equally annoying habits you are unaware of?

8. Disagreement or bullying?

Frustration can quickly lead to disagreements. Disagreements become conflict . Conflict can easily shift into workplace bullying. According to Heads Up Healthy workplaces, signs of bullying in your work environment are if you or someone else experiences:

  • distress, anxiety, panic attacks or sleep disturbance
  • physical illness, such as muscular tension, headaches and digestive problems
  • reduced work performance
  • loss of self-esteem and feelings of isolation
  • depression and an increased risk of suicide.

Things you can do to help as an employee are:

  • supporting your workmates - check in with your colleagues and let them know you're there to help
  • showing respect and courtesy - being respectful of others helps create a more positive environment
  • speaking up against bullying (if you feel comfortable) - pull up anyone being disrespectful in the workplace
  • acting appropriately - understand your organisation's expectations and lead by example.

We all deserve the right to be free of accusations and temper tantrums at work. Think hard on how you can reduce the level of tension and conflict around you. If we all focused on building a happier workplace and followed these eight steps to avoid conflict, our time at work and with colleagues could be dramatically improved. Remember coaching can guide you and your team through the difficulties and prevent further issues arising.

Look out for the next 8 ways to avoid conflict in the workplace, part 2.

“How do I get self-esteem?”

This is one of the most frequent questions my clients present with in our sessions. It is also one of the hardest skills to transform from theory to practice. Mainly because it requires time, patience and hope to build a sense of confidence and esteem. But, if you stick with it and practice the strategies that elusive self-esteem will grow and flourish.

Self esteem, by definition is your opinion of yourself. It is built on the many experiences, cognitions, interactions we have with others and the foundations of love from our childhood. Self esteem is our self-reflection and personal interpretation of what we do and what we can’t do.

Intellectually, we understand the idea behind confidence, but healthy self-esteem can, so easily, become swallowed up with self-fear. A harsh criticism, a broken heart, a demotion at work can shift a positive self-regard to despair and self-dislike. Our esteem is at the mercy of life but only temporarily. Like a trampoline, our confidence can be pushed down by life’s events but should bounce back, higher and faster if we stay focused.

We are affected by what happens around and to us, having said this, we also have more ability to deflect negativity about our worth than most of us actually apply. This is in part, because we often don’t understand self esteem as a characteristic of how strong we are in factors of adaptability, flexibility and autonomy.. Self-esteem, like happiness, is a fluid and ever-changing part of the human existence. We do not have a consistent stable sense of esteem. It waxes and wanes as life throws challenges at us, we fail, relationships break down and jobs we wanted are terminated. Self esteem needs feeding and watering, much like a tempestuous plant that demands good soil, the right amount of shade and plenty of sunlight. We need to nourish our confidence and look after it. Even in the good times when we feel strong and positive. Self-esteem is a muscle that needs to be exercised and kept in shape.

You can check how good your self esteem is by the following examples of how someone with high self-esteem functions in our world. Do you:

  • Talk about yourself in positive ways, even when you make mistakes.

  • See failure as growth instead of loss.

  • Walk with an air of strength in the world (good posture, shoulders back, good eye contact, head held high)

  • Have friends and relationships that demonstrate respect and leave abusive people.

  • Take risks and challenge themselves to excel

  • Find life fun, are excited and passionate about many things and participate in life.

Of course, what is obvious by this list is the more you engage in all these behaviours the higher your esteem is likely to grow. The same, but in reverse, occurs for those with low self-esteem. Someone struggling to gain confidence usually starts to feel worthless, inadequate and incompetent which hinders self-esteem building actions and interactions.

You can check if your esteem is too low (self-fear) with the following characteristics. Do you:

  • Talk about yourself in a negative way and quick to put yourself down needlessly.

  • See failure as evidence of low self-worth and inability to succeed.

  • Walk with an air of defeat in the world (hunched shoulders, low eye contact, drooping head).

  • Refrain from socializing, making friends and allow people around you to be disrespectful or abusive.

  • Avoid risks and challenges limiting success.

  • Find life anxious, prone to moodiness and mental health issues.

  • Withdrawn from participating in life’s opportunities.

Self-esteem is a skill that everyone can learn to use. It isn’t easy at times and it does require you to put in regular maintenance. Self-esteem isn’t a glove fits all option. We all have varying levels of esteem and show it in different ways. Shy and more introverted people often have excellent self-esteem that they demonstrate in a quiet confidence, great listening skills and attention-avoiding success. More extroverted types often show their esteem in the way they appear and socialize. Their success is often attention-seeking. All self esteem (as long as it is coupled with being humble and good natured), is good for the soul.

If you find it hard to like yourself and battle self-fear with self-esteem, here are my starter tips to get you thinking and acting in ways to build your self-esteem.

blog-selfesteem

Happy Jar Your Esteem

Every day write 3 things you did well and put it in a jar. On days that you might struggle to feel you are good at anything, you can dip your hand into the jar and like a positive lucky dip, remind yourself of what you are proud of, what you got right or something wonderful about yourself. To add another dimension, get friends and family to write down a couple of positive things about you too. It can be a well needed surprise when your self-esteem is low, and yourself fear is high.

Practice Compassion

Much as we know offering others compassion for their mistakes and failures is healthy all too often we forget to give ourselves the same goodwill. Be kind and supportive to your esteem when you make a mess of things. Offer consolation and understanding just as you would to another whose life wasn’t panning out how they wanted, or whose ego had taken a few harsh knocks.

Be your own best friend

This is an easy yet under used method to build self-esteem. Treat yourself with the nurture, self-care, kindness, forgiveness and the wonderful ‘snap out of it’ push only our closest friends can give us when we get stuck, wallow to much in negativity or need to be reminded of all the great things we have going for us.

Mirror on the wall

Most of us have a whole mental cupboard full of things we don’t want anyone to know that are, generally, just errors, doubts and adolescent shame that is part of growing up and learning to be human. We build locks and bars and steel doors over these cupboards as if those moments of growth are horrors too harsh for anyone to know. We all have things we would do differently. Self-esteem is built on eradicating self-fear. Look in the mirror. Acknowledge what you fear and place it in context with the challenging journey of self-discovery and learning. No one gets it right and no one is perfect. If you can face the mirror with those niggling self-doubts and self-punishing fears, then you can face the world fearless of what others may discover about you. In other words, own your stuff and move on. It can only harm you if you still fear it.

Value Added

Know your values and morals. Understanding what you stand for helps build autonomy and independence. Two factors that are crucial in self-esteem. The more you are clear on what is important to you the better you are at standing up for your rights, which grows your confidence and demonstrates to others who you are. Values add strength of character, direct and fortify our esteem by giving us a platform to develop identity. Make a list of your values and work towards upholding them in every day interactions and thinking.

Even reading this article has added to your self esteem building. Learning and doing something new is also a great way to rid yourself of self-fear and build self-esteem.

Good job!

A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.”

Whether at work or at home, we all have moments where we need to talk through something difficult with someone. And often what we need to say might be confronting and challenging, for them to hear and for us to say. In times like these, it is common to avoid the topic, shy away from talking or stumble about in an insecure manner without really getting to the point. All of which leads to feeling unfulfilled, frustrated and resentful. On both parts.

Speaking in a courageous way is a skill that takes a little practice, but when done right clears the air without offending someone or leaving you feeling over compromised.

To start with, in general, a courageous conversation is where you need to manage emotions and information in a sensitive way in order to:

  • Address poor performance or conduct at work

  • Deal with personal problems, be honest about behavior or give bad news.

  • Investigate complaints/deal with grievances and disputes.

  • Comfort or reassure someone – for example, if they are to be made redundant or with romantic break ups

  • Tackle personality clashes.

Conversations that fall in these 5 categories often need to navigate through emotional and psychological hurdles. There are differing opinions, perceptions, and needs/wants that can create problems and often, unknown emotional minefields, as we express what we want to say to another person. Feelings and emotions can run strong and distract from positive outcomes. At times, the consequences or stakes in ‘winning’ an argument or conversation with someone can become more significant than finding a resolution. With all the unknowns, it is no surprise we avoid telling the truth and addressing how someone’s behavior or actions have affected us.

Handling a courageous conversation requires skill and empathy, but ultimately, it requires the courage to go ahead and do it. Much like any new strategy, the more you get into the habit of facing issues, the more adept you will become at it. Being honest and authentic to yourself and to others is one of the skills that leads to a happier and smoother life. It isn’t easy to speak your mind in a way that won’t offend, but it is doable.

If you’re unsure of how to best approach a courageous conversation, here are some tips to guide you:

  • Be clear about the issue

    To prepare for the conversation, you need to ask yourself two important questions: “What exactly is the behavior that is causing the problem?” and “What is the impact that the behavior is having on you, (or if at work, the team or the organisation)?” Clarity will allow you to articulate the problem in two or three succinct statements. If not, you risk going off on a tangent and confusing the listener. The lack of focus on the central issue will derail the conversation and sabotage your intentions.

  • Know your objective

    What do you want to accomplish with the conversation? What is the desired outcome? What are the non-negotiables? As English philosopher Theodore Zeldin put it: A successful conversation “doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.” What are the new cards that you want to have in your hands by the end of the conversation? Once you have determined this, plan how you will close the conversation. Don’t end without clearly expressed action items. What is the person agreeing to do? What support are you committed to provide? How do you want them to feel at the end of the conversation? How do you want to feel? What obstacles might prevent these remedial actions from taking place? What do you both agree to do to overcome potential obstacles? Do you think and are you prepared to follow up to evaluate progress on the problem? Are you prepared to let the issue go?

  • Adopt a mindset of inquiry

    Spend a little time to reflect on your attitude toward the situation and the person involved. What are your preconceived notions about it? Your thinking will predetermine your reaction and interpretations of the other person’s responses, so it pays to approach such a conversation with the right mindset—which in this context is one of inquiry. A good doctor diagnoses a situation before reaching for his prescription pad. This applies equally to courageous conversations. Be open to hearing what the other person has to say before reacting and deciding your response. Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story. A courageous conversation means you need to remain open and curious about what is being said.

  • Manage the emotions

    We all can get anxious, upset or even angry when faced with difficult discussions. Sometimes the hurt and disappointment blinds us to problem solving or hearing a challenging opinion. Check in on your emotions. Rate your feelings from1 to 10 and if those emotions are getting too elevated, take some time out, regroup and start again. Be aware of the other person’s feelings too. If things are getting too heated or they look overwhelmed. Stop. Slow down and think about your approach again.

  • Be comfortable with silence

    There will be moments in the conversation where a silence occurs. Don’t rush to fill it with words. Just as the pause between musical notes helps us appreciate the music, so the periodic silence in the conversation allows us to hear what was said and lets the message sink in. A pause also has a calming effect and can help us connect better. For example, if you are an extrovert, you’re likely uncomfortable with silence, as you’re used to thinking while you’re speaking. This can be perceived as steamrolling or overbearing, especially if the other person is an introvert. Introverts want to think before they speak. Stop talking and allow them their moment—it can lead to a better outcome.

  • Preserve the relationship

    People with high emotional intelligence are always mindful to limit any collateral damage to a relationship. It takes years to build bridges with people and only minutes to blow them up. Think about how the conversation can fix the situation, without erecting an irreparable wall between you and the person. The aim is to make a point about an issue not destroy the friendship, working relationship, or a person’s self-esteem.

  • Be consistent

    Ensure that your objective is fair and that you are using a consistent approach. If the person sees or believes you have one set of rules for one individual and a different set for another, you’ll be perceived as showing favoritism and bias. Nothing erodes a relationship faster than perceived inequality. Friends, lovers and employees have long-term memories of how you have handled situations in the past with others. Aim for consistency in your approach in courageous conversations. We trust someone who is consistent because we don’t have to second-guess where they stand on important issues such as friendship, culture, corporate values and acceptable behaviors.

  • Develop your conflict resolution skills

    Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Managing conflict effectively is one of the vital skills of working with others and being in relationships in general. Have a few, proven phrases that can come in handy in crucial spots. Aim to dial down the conflict rather than turn up the volume.

  • Choose the right place to have the conversation

    Starting a courageous conversation in the middle of a restaurant, on a train or in front of others isn’t a smart approach to reaching a solution. Neither is calling people into your office sometimes. Sitting in your own turf, behind your desk, shifts the balance of power too much on your side. Even simple body language, such as leaning forward toward the person rather than leaning back on your chair, can carry a subtle message of your positive intentions; i.e., “We’re in this together. Let’s problem solve so that we have a better workplace.” Consider holding the meeting in a neutral place such as a meeting room where you can sit adjacent to each other without the desk as a barrier. With friends and in relationships, make time that suits you both. Chose a private place that limits being overheard. Over a kitchen bench, going for a walk or if you prefer not to be alone, select a coffee shop with some level of privacy. People can react to the fear of being overheard or public embarrassment so, be mindful of where and when you start the conversation.

  • Know how to begin

    Some people put off having a courageous conversation because they don’t know how to start. The best way to start is with a direct approach. “John, I would like to talk with you about what happened at the meeting this morning when Bob asked about the missed deadline. Let’s grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning to chat.” Or: “Linda, I want to talk about our relationship and would love to sit down when you’re ready, so I can explain where I’m coming from. Being straight forward is the authentic and respectful way to tell someone a difficult message. You don’t want to ambush people by surprising them about the nature of the “chat.” Make sure your tone of voice signals discussion and not inquisition, exploration and not punishment. Compassion not critique.

  • Be compassionate

    It’s best to come at sensitive topics from a place of empathy. Be considerate; be compassionate. Although often uncomfortable we can all deliver a difficult conversation with truth, fairness and bravery. Avoid seeking compassion from the person listening to you. You are not there to emote and seek sympathy. You are doing this to get clarity and reduce friction, frustration or unhappiness. This is about you, but not about how you feel having the courageous conversations, so steer away from starting the discussion with how hard it is for you to say what you are about to say. It won’t ring true and will sound patronising.

  • Breathe

    The calmer and more centered you are, the better you will be at handling courageous conversations. It’s not a bad idea to practice some mindful breathing and calming techniques. This can help you remain clear about your objectives and focused on the purpose for having the courageous conversation in the first place. Using a few centering strategies can give you a method of defense if things get too personal and you find you are under attack.

Courageous conversation can be uncomfortable for both parties involved. Take your time. Think about your objectives. Have a clear idea of the outcome you want and monitor your emotions. Don’t forget, if it isn’t working out, excuse yourself, take a walk, get a drink of water and collect your thoughts. Then try again. Success gets closer with every attempt.

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