In my book Life Works When - Piecing Together Happiness for a Successful Life, belonging is the third piece of the happiness jigsaw. It was the third piece because I believe that before we can make bonds with others in a healthy and happy way, it's really important to build an understanding of self-care and purpose first. If you haven't read them, follow the links and check them out.
I'm pretty sure you have all realised we are very socially driven creatures. We function so much better in groups and amongst like-minded people. Just think about social media, it is hugely popular because we all desperately want to belong. Even if it is by a bunch of strangers on the other side of the world. Who cares if you don't really have a relationship with your followers or FB friends? You have a thousand likes and are part of something, that's belonging, isn't it? Or is it?

Let's have a think about what belongingness is. To start with having and maintaining a sense of belongingness is one of our most basic needs and impacts upon our psychological and physical wellbeing. To belong really means we are able to develop attachments to groups or individuals. It is part of all our genetic makeup to want to be accepted and embraced into a group of some kind, (think family, culture, religion, relationships, social or work). It is this human connectivity that gives us a sense of being loved, similar and valued with and by others. In turn, this sense of belongingness allows us to give back to those we are attached to, increasing our wellbeing. (I am all about what we give back to this world as a part of our happiness).

We all have a slightly different version of what belongingness could look like. Each of us has our own unique interests, desires, attractions and motivations to seek and join with others. These variances help define who we are and show others how we can be identified as separate and part of social groups. Take me for example, I belong to a family group, a workgroup, a professional group, a social group, a relationship group, and a few different friendship groups. If I think more on it, I also have many peripheral groups, all of which give me a sense of belongingness. Some are more permanent than others. Some are stronger in the attachments than others. They all give me a sense of having a place in this world and the security of being loved, cared for or valued. And that creates happiness. If you don't believe how important belongingness is to our happiness, as always, here are some evidence-based facts.

Psychologists Baumeister and Leary whose research on belonging and attachment believed that belongingness was an essential human motivator found in all cultures. The research showed that when belongingness isn't achieved, it had serious consequences on our wellbeing. We all need to belong and when we can't or fail to or are prevented from belonging to our social world, the outcomes are not good.

Leary showed that because of the effect an inability to belong had on our emotional, physical and social health, belongingness was not just something we wanted in life. It was a need. Just as the character Mo in my book, realised in not belonging he had grown increasingly unhappy, so to do we long for real, authentic bonds with others. It is in our DNA. We need to be a part of groups and relationships.

As Leary indicates, the quality of our bonds is far more important than the quantity. Our need for belonging is not met by superficial relationships. Belongingness, as a key to the jigsaw of happiness, has to be more than a like or follow on social media or an unknown FB friend. For Belongingness to work, our relationships must be meaningful, consistent, interactive and lasting. They need to grow and develop, mature and strengthen over time. Belongingness does not survive in conflict and abuse. Or in relationships that keep breaking down or are frequently damaged. Belongingness can only grow in healthy bonds that we maintain with truth, authenticity, love and compassion. It is an investment in happiness that, like most things in life, requires work and commitment.

Here are some more fun facts on belongingness and happiness:

  • Belongingness is a goal-directed action that only needs a minimum number of stable healthy bonds in order to be achieved. (Tick for quality!)

  • We don't necessarily find more happiness from any extra relationships we may seek beyond those stable bonds. (Cross for quantity!).

  • These extra relationships can cause us more stress as they are more likely to end.

  • When we lose a sense of belonging with the end of a relationship, we look to replace it with a new bond, even if it is superficial. (Jumping straight into an intense new relationship straight after ending a long partnership would be an example of this.)

  • If we are missing belongingness from one area in our lives, we will compensate by seeking it in another area. (If you leave family and friends behind for a job you may try to establish strong bonds in your new work).

  • Intense feelings around commitment and intimacy do not replace regular physical contact to fulfil a need of belongingness. (Thinking your need for belonging will be met by sexting or an online romance, just won't cut it.)

  • Just believing a relationship exists does not create a sense of belonging that will build happiness. (That's any of you who think you are in a relationship with someone just because you like them.)

  • We are more likely to bond with those near us, over those who may live some distance but are more similar. (Frequency of physical presence trumps having the same hobbies every time.)

  • We can find a need to belong in negative (traumatic) as well as positive (healthy) experiences. (If you have seen the movie Speed, you know this is true. And they struggle to last.)

  • When we belong, we feel better, experience happiness, are more satisfied with life, care for others, are healthier and stronger physically and psychologically. (Belonging equals happiness)

  • When we don't belong, we feel guilty, rejected, anxious, depressed, angry, alone, jealous and isolated. We are more inclined to show behaviour problems, commit crimes and have suicidal ideation. (Not belonging equals unhappiness.)

  • The psychological pain of not belonging involves the same areas in the brain as physical pain. (We really do feel loneliness like a physical injury.)

  • Impression management is a term where we try to control our image in order to influence others into accepting us into a group. (Not belonging can make us inauthentic in order to bond.)

So, there you have it. A little more background on the third piece of the jigsaw from my book to find happiness in life. To be happy means to achieve belongingness. Try to move away from online dating apps and social media chats and be present with the people, be part of groups, interact frequently in real life and have a constant physical presence in others' lives. In this way, we can begin to believe we are in a stable, loving, ongoing and honest relationship that defines our need for belonging and increases our chances of happiness.

Next blog is on the fourth piece of the jigsaw, self-esteem. Stay tuned and don't forget to get the book!

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.”

– Robert Bryne

Don’t you love that saying? The purpose of life is a life of purpose? A simple message that can often be forgotten amidst the hectic lives we lead. Getting distracted and just stuff going on make it all too easy to lose direction as we get lost amidst the endless demands made upon us. And those that we feel obligated or select to accept. Sometimes the goals we gravitate towards aren’t right for us. Or worse some purposeful objectives might be chosen for motivational wants defined by greed, envy and false illusions of happiness. Other times our purpose is linked to our developmental age and stage of life. When this happens, we can forget to adjust and adapt our goals to growing up, life experiences and getting older. The issue is we all need some kind of destination to push us forward and excite us to master and work towards endeavours that will be meaningful in some way. In turn, we get a sense of where we are going and why.

 

In my book, Life Works When – Piecing Together Happiness for a Successful Life – the second part of the jigsaw of happiness is the attainment of having purpose. I have been asked why purpose? Surely there are more integral needs to know in order to find true happiness than purpose? I don’t think so. Purpose is a gift that enhances our quality of life. What are we, if we do not have an aim in life? What is a life led without goals and motivation? If true purpose fails to connect us with what we need and each other, then we are rudderless to navigate our lives. Directionless with our dreams and empty of drive and determination.

But don’t just take my word for it, research shows we are engineered to have purpose because it generates a sense of wellbeing compared to those who are purposeless. We are happy when we have a reason to motivate us in life. Whether this is a spiritual, emotional or financial purpose, the act of moving towards a destination gives us reason to battle the tough times, helps us to master resilience and encourages us to hold on to hope.

For some purpose is finding a life partner, maybe having children, could be a career, self-development, generating wealth or building connections within our communities and each other. Purpose is individual and intrinsic to your needs and wants. Having a sense of purpose gives us a balanced meaning to our existence. It allows us to allocate time and resources to goals and dreams. And dreams create passion and energy. We all need to be excited about something, no matter if that drive is to feel better, care for our wellbeing, imagine a better life or to invent something truly amazing. Purpose is passion. And a life without passion is an empty vision.

So, what happens when we are purposeless? Just like Mo in my book, without having a destination to inspire us, we can easily give up, feeling lost and confused what direction we should take to find happiness. We start to experience apathy when our dreams disappear. It seeps in through the cracks of despair as we grow increasingly aimless. Depression is the outcome of a life that has lost meaning and motivation. Purpose is a salvation to hopelessness and a remedy for low moods. Knowing what gives you passion and purpose is the secret to true success.

Ikigai (the Japanese term for reason for being and a philosophy of finding happiness), is correlated with a sense of purpose and longevity. According to research those of us who connect with a strong sense of purpose are more likely to live longer, have less heart disease and be resilient in life (BlueZones). Having said that, it isn’t enough just to have a general, vague purpose to improve your health, a purpose with passion is the key. For the people in the research purpose included family, fishing or regular exercise that connected the mind and body and fulfilled a sense of joy. These studies indicated that having purpose is a protective factor for human beings.

The links with who we are and what we do are essential elements of having positive purpose in our lives. If we extend this out of ourselves and embrace our communities with purpose than the destination of wellbeing becomes a global need that could benefit us all. And having meaning is infectious. We are better lovers, family members and work colleagues when we are driven by our passions and celebrate a life full of meaning and motivation. When purpose becomes a unilateral destination then we can change the world.

Here are my tips on creating your purpose and in this way defining a destination of physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

How to have purpose.

  • Write a list of things you enjoy. Make a plan to learn, master or at least try as many as you can.

  • Define what you are passionate about (spiritually, creatively, physically, morally and ethically) and incorporate at least one of these passions into your everyday life.

  • Do not give up on a dream. Purpose is about resilience and mastery, a dream can be rearranged, reshaped and reinvented, but don’t give up on the passion to achieve.

  • Have a mental destination. And then another one. And then another one.

  • Link your purpose with other parts of your life. Isolation is defeating for true happiness, so your purpose needs to benefit other areas of your life and connect you to others.

  • Your purpose does not need to be huge. It can be to love with an open heart, to live in authenticity, to share your knowledge and wisdom. Find purpose in the small and every day activities around you.

Now, I have fulfilled my purpose of explaining the pieces of the jigsaw to happiness from my book Life Works When. Stay tuned for the next blog on Belonging as the third part of the puzzle to a successful life.

6 Skills That You C.C.C.A.A.N Strive Towards.

Here are some of my essential skills to supercharge your self-development. Last time we looked at Courage, Connection and Compassion. This time we are focusing on Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. Let's see how many you can tick off your list and how many could be a new focus for you.

Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity Authenticity

Authenticity is a must for supercharging our self-development. It forces us to grow, mature and is a vital human skill for managing life and all our relationships. Being genuine and real are desired and desirable qualities that can elevate our self-development and understanding of who we truly are. Steven Joseph PhD defines authentic people as;

  • Having realistic perceptions of reality.

  • Are accepting of themselves and of other people.

  • Thoughtful.

  • Having a non-hostile sense of humour.

  • Able to express their emotions freely and clearly.

  • Open to learning from their mistakes.

  • Understanding their motivations.

Equally inauthentic people show the following characteristics.

  • Are self-deceptive and unrealistic in their perceptions of reality.

  • Look to others for approval and to feel valued.

  • Are judgemental of other people.

  • Do not think things through clearly.

  • Have a hostile sense of humour.

  • Are unable to express their emotions freely and clearly.

  • Are not open to learning from their mistakes.

  • Do not understand their motivations.

Authenticity is a real way to supercharge your self-development and a challenging process to discover who you are and be able to face the world and act with value and integrity.

Altruism

Supercharging your self-development means you need to demonstrate (rather than give lip service to) your ability to act in ways to increase the quality of life for other human beings and be concerned for the happiness of others. These acts can be materialistic, emotional and spiritual but are focused on the benefit of others to improve their circumstance.

Dale Miller in his research The Norm of Self Interest believed all human behaviour was and should be, driven by selfish motivations. Miller proposed that a 'norm exists in Western cultures that specifies self-interest both is and ought to be a powerful determinant of behaviour. This norm influences people's actions and opinions as well as the accounts they give for their actions and opinions. It leads people to act and speak as though they care more about their material self-interest than they do.' However although in western cultures we may act and speak as if our self-interests are the only thing that matters to us, the reality is quite different.

The 2016 World Giving index registered billions of people all over the world giving time, money and offering help to strangers, even when they themselves were struggling. They did these acts of kindness and altruism with the expectation they would receive nothing in return. Consumerism and economic drive make us think in ways that push us away from compassion, generosity and altruistic acts when it is human nature to want and demonstrate kindness. In fact, caring and giving for each other is integral to who we are. The real norm is altruistic interest which research has shown improves our wellbeing in many ways. In fact, altruism improves our lives by the following ways;

  • Helper's High

    Researchers have consistently found that people report a significant happiness boost after doing kind deeds for others. Giving to charity activates brain regions associated with pleasure, social connection, trust and may trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, giving us a "helper's high."

  • Mental and Physical Benefits

    Acts of altruism such as spending money on others and volunteering may lower our blood pressure, reduce aches and pains, give us better overall physical health, and less depression. Older people who volunteer or regularly help friends or relatives have a significantly lower chance of dying. Researcher Stephen Post reports that altruism even improves the health of people with chronic illnesses such as HIV and multiple sclerosis.

  • Makes Financial Value

    Research indicates that altruists may receive financial rewards for their kindness as others will feel compelled to reward their kindness. In donating money to charity businesses, are seen as more valuable in the eyes of their customers and the society as a whole.

  • Improve your love life

    David Buss surveyed more than 10,000 people across 37 cultures and found out kindness was the most important quality in choosing your partner. This was across all cultures and a universal similarity. Research has also found altruists have more sex.

  • Cure for addiction?

    People with serious addictions who choose to help others, even in small ways, improve their chances of staying sober and avoiding

  • Belonging

    Altruism builds social connections. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky believes, that 'being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably [and this] fosters a heightened sense of interdependence and cooperation in your social community.'

  • Be smarter

    Using altruistic learning in class with a solid curriculum incorporating real-world community service improves academic performance and connectivity to the school community. Cooperative learning promotes positive relationships, better psychological health, and those students are less likely to bully.

In other words, promoting self-interests over altruistic interests isn't necessarily how we really behave, what we really believe and isn't mentally, physically or financially better for us. Supercharging your self-development means avoiding this cultural inclination or false belief and focus on being open and upfront about how you care for others and what you do for others.

Neuroplasticity

We've all heard about the brain that changes, how we can create new pathways and structures in that grey matter. This new research contradicted old ways of how we thought about ourselves and our brains. We are not stuck with how our brains work. We now know that with the right tools and determination we can alter some parts of our thinking and brain behaviour.

The term Neuroplasticity (or brain plasticity or neural plasticity) is by definition the ability of the brain to change throughout our lives. We have found out that our brain activity, in some but not all areas, can be transferred to a different location, our actual grey matter can change, and synapses can be strengthened or weakened. Things that can affect the changes are

behaviour, environment, or neural processes. We can follow how the brain engages in synaptic pruning. This means our brains can actively delete some neural connections that are no longer necessary or useful. In the same way, we can strengthen the connections we need.

This is important when we are talking about the effects of negative thinking because it demonstrates how what we think can change our brain. Knowing how to strengthen, grow and flex our ability to change our thoughts means we can be 'better salespeople and better athletes, and learn to love the taste of broccoli, treat eating disorders, lower our risk of dementia by 60% and help us discover our true essence of joy and peace.'

Training the brain to think differently alters our mood, beliefs and quality of life.

We can literally grow happiness.

So, we have been talking about the CCCAAN of supercharging your self-development. Why not pick one of the six ways to improve who you are and focus on building that strength, your human skill. Once you have conquered that superpower, begin on your next skill.

Remember that brain of yours is ready and designed for change, and now is as good a time as any to find out how much you can change and grow.

References:

EFA Employee Family resources

https://www.compassion.com/about/what-is-compassion.htm

US Berkley College greater good magazine

Dale Miller (1996) The Norm of Self Interest

Steven Jospe PhD

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky

You C.C.C.A.A.N. be amazing.

In my line of work, one of the common requests I get is about how to enhance who we are and how to get to the next level of self-awareness and development. In the next two blogs, I'm going to help you and give you the six superchargers that will speed up your self-development.

C.C.C.A.A.N stands for Courage, Connection, Compassion, Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. Let's break it down and do three supercharged self-development skills today and three more next month. Our focus is on Courage, Connection, Compassion as supercharges to lift your awareness and ability to enhance your wellbeing. Of course, the amazing thing is it also benefits those around you, so everyone wins, the more we practice our human skills.

Are you ready? then hang on, because this type of supercharging doesn't come easy and will require a few changes to how you live your life and the way you interact with others.

Here are the first three essential skills to supercharge your self-development. Let's see how many you can tick off your list and how many could be a new focus for you.

Courage

We need courage to add to our supercharging self-development. We all understand physical courage. That amazing ability to be brave and strong in the face of threats, hardship, in disasters, emergencies or pain. This kind of courage is a very human and often an instinctual skill. We show physical courage when we work to recover from injury or when we push our bodies to be fitter, healthier or stronger.

Across the world, we have so many examples that demonstrate physical courage. Just think about all those courageous people pushing their limits in sports, dance or disability. How about the physical courage those who sign up to protect us, show on a daily basis, in the face of enormous danger, (shout out and gratitude to all the police, fire brigade, ambulance, army, navy, air force etc.).

Physical courage is pushing our bodies and mental aptitude father than we thought possible, often to better ourselves. Often to help and protect others. Yet do we value moral courage as much?

It is curious how physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." - Mark Twain

Moral courage is equally as brave and challenging and is often seen as a 'higher and a rarer virtue than physical courage'. When we stand up for the rights of others or act in an opposing way in the face of disagreement, we are demonstrating moral courage. In this way, we are brave, as others deny or condemn our values and worth. Moral courage is where we protect and stand up for those under attack, verbally or otherwise. It can be seen as we speak out against unfairness, corruption and deceit. Moral courage stands proud and strong even if it may cause shame or personal loss or rallies against those around you who would prefer compliance and silence.

A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live." - Anonymous

Connection

Our connections and how we develop and cherish them, are another power that can supercharge our self-development. Being connected links us with others and creates a sense of belonging.

Research has continued to show that being with others, family and friends increases your happiness. The EFA article on connectivity reports that 'for over 50 years the impact on social behaviour and longevity conclude that humans are social creatures who require connections with other humans in order to thrive, [and] a lack of social connection is a greater overall health risk than smoking. Being lonely impacts your immune system as well as your susceptibility to anxiety, depression and antisocial behaviours. A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships have a 50% lower risk of mortality.

Being connected, having a sense of belonging is an important part of our human existence. It improves our physical and emotional well-being and positively affects those around us. How we like, love and link with each other is a vital part of supercharging our self-development. It makes us altruistic, capable of supporting and loving others, being selfless and it brings great personal and psychological benefits back to us. Benefits such as acceptance, value, self-esteem, gratitude and a social meaning and role in our lives that can give us purpose, in times when we struggle or feel lost.

Whether your connections are deep and sustaining, by distance or social media, casual connections at work or with your local businesses that you see regularly, being part of the social world, groups and having relationships with other people improves your wellbeing, enhances those around you and develops our resilience learning how to interact and interrelate with each other.

Compassion

The third C in C.C.C.A.A.N is compassion. Compassion is a strong motivator that drives us to help people, offer and seek to assist those around us suffering from emotional, physical, spiritual or financial pain. When we develop compassion, we learn how to be sympathetic towards those less fortunate. It triggers pity for suffering and kindness for the misfortunes of others.

We should not confuse compassion with empathy as the definition of compassion means "to suffer with," meaning we lean into their distress or need rather than acknowledge it. When we sleep out with the homeless to raise awareness, that is a compassionate act. An easier way to recognise your own level of compassion is in your acts of kindness. You can hold open a door, offer assistance, help someone trying to get a stroller down the steps, donate your unwanted items instead of selling them. Compassion is when we offer sympathy to those who have lost and ask how we can help. Business is becoming increasingly aware of how the relationship economy contains compassion as an integral part of brand loyalty and respect.

Let's not forget self-compassion either. This is where we show ourselves kindness for our own circumstances, misfortunes, losses and pitfalls. Where we offer compassion, we must also allow ourselves to receive it with grace and gratitude. Our self-development needs compassion as it keeps us humble and supercharges our humanity.

So, there are the first three human skills of how you C.C.C.A.A.N supercharge your self-development. Next time the focus is going to be on Authenticity, Altruism and Neuroplasticity. If you don't want to miss out on it subscribe and you'll get a reminder when I'm about to post it.

For now, enjoy putting your awareness to the test and work on your courage, connectivity and compassion.

Seriously, how hard is it to be unhappy these days. It's like there is something wrong with you if you find life hard or challenging.

Unhappiness, just like happiness is one of the many emotional responses we have as human beings. It is no less valuable. It is equally important. The problem is we aren't talking about it in a healthy way.

We shun unhappiness as if it is the undoing of us all. Unhappiness is a teacher of life. It lets us know when we are on the wrong path. When we are doing things that are unhealthy for us, are with people, jobs, lifestyles that are devaluing, uninspiring or harmful to our experience of life. Somehow in the influx of educating ourselves to be better and more successful, we seemed to have forgotten one small but significant fact of life. We cannot be always positive, and we cannot always avoid unhappiness.

Here's the thing. Shit happens.

No matter how hard you may try to create an unhappy, trauma-free life, unexpected often distressing or devastating things happen. You know that, and after over 16 years of being a psychologist and in the wellbeing business, I can confirm it.

Trauma, unhappiness, disappointment and accidents happen to all of us because we live in a world of chaos full of individual people on their own life tracks. A world of random acts, good and bad. It is how we accept it is a possibility of life, that defines us. We must mentally prepare for these moments, create a defence system to cope with it and build the path through and out the other side. Our focus should not be on thinking we can avoid negative moments, but on how we survive these most unwanted and undesired experiences in life.

Psychologist and life coach Susan David said, "A world that values constant positivity over truth creates false positivity." This is, in essence, a discussion I have had multiple times with my clients over the last decade. It answers the 'why.' Why me? Why them? Why us? A false positivity that nothing will go wrong blinds us to the reality that it just might. Unfortunately, in a world full of unrestrained and unpredictable variables, things do go belly up, that is just the human existence. Some of this we can try to avoid (lifestyle, diet, environmental and relationship choices). Others we cannot (acts of nature, accidents, victims of crime or abuse, war). If we overvalue constant positivity preferring the misbelief that a trauma-free life can be achieved, we set people up for serious disappointment, self-blaming and helplessness. It creates cognitions like, "If the world values positivity and I don't achieve it, I must be valueless and a failure," and "what am I doing wrong that unhappiness is in my life" or "I'm not like those positive trauma-free other people." None of which is productive, true or helpful in managing life.

Robert L. Leahy in his book Emotional Schema Therapy discusses 'the tragic vision'. His theory of tragedy means 'suffering is inevitable; that the mighty can fall; that forces beyond one's control or even imagination can destroy; that injustice is often inevitable; and that the suffering of others matters to oneself because it exemplifies what can happen to anyone.' He is all for building our trauma fortress that will fortify us against these negative moments.

The theory of trauma, the truth of chaos, the tragic vision, the false positivity, or the shit happens approach, whatever you want to call it. Life isn't about avoiding the real stuff. To encourage individuals to believe that constant happiness is first attainable, and second healthy, over the truth that during your lifetime things will go wrong, causing unhappiness, creates a false belief. A false idea that the impossible is possible. This cultural mantra that we can create and sustain constant positivity, means we are encouraging people to ignore the truth. That truth is how we feel, how things impact upon us and how we recover from tragedy. The truth is things do go wrong and we have to cope with failure, disappointment and heartache.

When we create falsehoods, we create an inauthentic world that does not have room for a real life.

False beliefs lead to false expectations, which leads inevitably to great disappointment. We need to be aware of overvaluing perceptions of positivity that can be unfounded or untrue. That we are preferring to believe in a lie than a reality, so, when reality hits, we are unprepared and underskilled to cope. Negative emotional experiences can linger, they can resurface, and they need time and space to emote, processes, learn from and recover. There is a social inference that to be unhappy is to be unhealthy, even when it is real and raw. Unhappiness is not a mental illness.

Life is not about emotional avoidance by creating a false positivity, it is about distress tolerance that allows us to experience and cope with the reality of our lives.

Health psychologist Kelly McGonical articulates the importance of accepting and including stress (a physical and emotional outcome of negative experiences), in our lives as the key to living a longer life. McGonical encourages us to see stress as the body preparing itself for action, to master a challenge, rather than a signal to avoid the stressful event. She believes we should 'chase meaning rather than avoid discomfort.' In other words, we must embrace the knowledge and experience that unhappiness has a purpose. It can bring us to action, connects us to each other, creates opportunities to learn compassion and give support, builds resilience and connects us socially, and is healthier for us, physically, socially and emotionally.

This contradicts the culture we have become attached to that encourages us to believe in and place a clear emphasis on a stress-free, trauma-free, unhappy free existence. An existence that is fantasy, unachievable and, if we follow McGonical's interpretation of research into stress, highly unhealthy for us, as individuals and as a community.

It all depends on how we manage our unhappiness and how we build a worldview that unhappiness will exist and through it, we will learn, step up to the challenge, seek support and support others. In this way, we grow and help those around us grow.

The upshot of this is, the next time you feel less than positive, see it as a moment to show courage, to connect with others and to hear your mind's need to be challenged.

Creating a world of false positivity devalues the very things that make us human and help us be stronger and more capable in a world that offers both the good with the bad.

Overvaluing positivity leads to despair, helplessness and isolation.

The best defence to a real, authentic life is to build your Truth of Positivity team. A team of skills and people and supports that create the 'cone of tragedy' around you, protecting you by upskilling you and keeping life real and your expectations authentic. This team needs:

  • People who have your back and can be there for you.

  • People who you can be there for and have their back.

  • Mental strength and thinking styles that can turn pessimistic thoughts to optimistic thoughts.

  • Social groups and networks that will support you in hard times.

  • Acceptance that sometime during your life, things will go wrong, and you will survive these moments.

  • See the challenge of unhappiness, stress and negativity as an opportunity for growth, health and development.

If your life has recurring or frequent negative experiences, then seek help to evaluate why. There is learning in these moments that you are not taking onboard. View life as a real, unpredictable but totally enjoyable experience. The good and the bad moments are there to challenge and teach you how to be a better human being, for you and for others.

In business speak, we define the skills we have in the workplace as soft or hard skills. Soft skills, in simple terms, means the growth of ‘personal attributes that enable you to interact effectively and harmoniously with other people.’ Hard skills are seen as techniques, strategies, knowledge and skills you learn or are taught to perform in your working career.

We usually talk in terms of soft skills when we are discussing workplaces, employees and leadership qualities. This is because soft skills are about improved and increased people skills that enhance performance in teams and in management or leadership positions. They complement the hard skills we bring to our profession. A person with excellent soft skills is more likely to navigate through the complex communications, interactions and conflicts found in workplaces, with higher levels of success, than perhaps, someone with less advanced soft skills. It can be the difference between career advancement or not.

Recent research by the Melbourne Graduate School of Education, released this year, brought to light that over the past 10 years, soft skills in general, seem to be falling below expectations and for many population groups learning these basic human skills will be the difference between where they want to be in life and if they will achieve it.

These abilities, which I call human skills, are increasingly neglected in the generations coming through. Not only that, but there is a universal ignorance about how important these skills are, in fact as important as the hard skills we are so focused on learning and teaching. These human skills are vital to increasing your opportunities for a successful, happy life and a long career. They are integral to bonding in, and to, our communities and societies.

Human skills need human interactions.

Of course, the reduction in our ability to practice our human skills hasn’t been helped by our increasing reliance on technology, that separates us from interacting with each other in the same spaces. Human skills need to be practised in real life. Not through a screen. There are enough indications that these human skills, or rather those who have them, will be more likely to have success in life, love and their chosen career paths. These skills make us, as human beings, more adaptable, flexible and adventurous in an ever-changing and complicated world. Our focus needs to be as much on learning and becoming skilful with human skills, as it is with hard skills. Particularly as we continue to rely on more online and phone-based communications.

So, what are they, these essential human skills for success that we somehow continue to neglect or are devalued in light of other abilities? What are the skills we need that exceed the workplace focus and are essential to having authentic, long-lasting success?

Innovation

The first skill we need for longevity in a successful life is innovation. Let’s shift this definition away from a business model which is focused on creating a product that is novel or new, and look at it as a human skill. Okay, not all of us have creative brains that can come up with the next big thing, but innovation is not just about creating a new product, it is about making a meaningful impact on society. It is about learning how to use new ideas or even to create the new ideas yourself. Innovation is mental risk-taking. Intelligence used for discovery of something new. In human skill terms, we are talking about self-development. New ways of being yourself. New ideas about authenticity and self-belief. New challenges in developing, changing and growing in this life. Innovation, as a human skill, is about creating new from within ourselves and producing a better, more effective and more adaptive self as we grow. Innovation, in an interpersonal sense, is about finding better solutions to your existing problems. Trying a different approach. Being innovative when dealing with others. Innovation can be about how we articulate our needs to produce a new result in relationships and in our lives. The goal of innovation is to solve an existing issue with a new approach, idea, skill or to introduce a different way of being in the situation.

Communication.

Communication is the second human skill we need for a successful life. Being an effective communicator is more difficult than we think. Hence so many articles and books are written on how to interconnect with each other. This is because it is a balance between your needs and wants and the other persons needs and wants. It is a highly skilled ability to be clear, articulate and in control of your emotions, when talking (and even more so when arguing), with others. I continually hear from clients, “I am a good communicator,” or “I have no problem expressing myself” or “I’m not afraid of talking about things”. Yet they seem to miss the skills to take those conversations to a positive end and resolve them with a capacity for learning. Or know when a conversation is not needed, when not to share and when to listen. Communication is about an interaction with another human being, not just talking or expressing your viewpoint, irrelevant of the listeners’ needs. (For more on different skills from courageous conversations to assertive versus aggressive communication, see my recent article How to be assertive without upsetting others.).

There is a vast difference between the skill of communicating online or via texting than sitting in the room with another person and expressing yourself or letting them express their side of the story.

So many clients present with very high levels of anxiety, when put in real-life versus online situations, where they must converse in person. They become overwhelmed with the things a screen cannot prepare you for or teach you to interpret and manage. Body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, these are human skills that can turn a talk into an argument if not mastered. A difficult conversation into a productive one. Not knowing this human skill can lead to serious misinterpretation of what another human being is trying to say or do. Reading the nonverbal language is a human skill just as important as having learnt the verbal language. Communication is so much more than words. To be successful in this world knowing how to communicate is vital. From family to teachers, to employers, to friends, to lovers, to children, the better we are at hearing, reading and talking to others, the more successful we become.

Problem-solving

I prefer the term solution finding, but knowing how to resolve issues is the third human skill essential to finding success. Technology does some amazing things. It links us to the world and information we could never normally access. We can travel to exotic places, see concerts from bands playing in other countries, experience space, play games that are so real it’s spooky, and meet people from all over the world. Technology has increased our processing speed. We consume data in a way we have never before. We are quicker, better and more adaptable in dexterity and in analysing information. However, everything is about balance and compromise. Just as we are excelling in some cognitions with the aid of technology, so are other cognitions weakening. What we are losing, amongst all this incredible knowledge and experience technology gives us, is the skill for creative problem-solving.

Our reliance on technology to provide or compute answers from simple queries to more complex solution finding tasks is leaving the very human skill of problem-solving, neglected and underutilised.

We are becoming less apt at using our imagination and creativity, to get out of sticky situations or to find solutions to normal issues we come across in life. We are actually losing the human skill to resolve problems and find effective solutions, on our own. The repercussions are significant in managing our personal interactions, resilience building and coping strategies. These are abilities directly related to confidence, anxiety, stress and depression. This human skill defines how well we can cope with the day to day hustle of life, as well as the traumatic experiences that are part of being human in this world.

Collaboration

The final human skill we need for future success is collaboration. This means the art of how to get along with others and be tolerant of people’s quirks, views and habits. We need to work on learning how to connect and work with others in life. From within families, to friendship groups and work teams, learning how to collaborate makes the difference between forming bonds with others and not. For example, a basic exercise in collaboration happened not so long ago in my life. While on holiday, much to the horror of my children, the house we rented did not have internet access and was out of range for our wi-fi. After the initial shock, we had to learn to collaborate in the evenings over what DVD to watch. It was an exercise in compromise and working with each other. Usually, if someone doesn’t want to watch a program or movie, they can wander off or view something on their own screens. Not here. We spent time talking and discussing what each of us wanted, collaborating to come to an agreement. It was interesting and a reminder of how easy it is to take a non-collaborative option in our world. How we navigate through compromise, negotiations and self-sacrificing (where feasible), is a very human skill that is undervalued.

We collaborate so we can produce something of value. In human skill terms, it means how we work within groups, (like our community) and the bigger society we belong to. Team sports are a perfect demonstration of collaboration. It just happens that often we leave these skills on the playing field or court and forget that it is a general human skill that can be implemented everywhere. It is a concept bigger than ourselves. We need to collaborate with neighbours, communities, societies and countries. Working with others is about understanding what it takes to reach a united goal and the value of partnerships. How to form an alliance and have loyalty to others. Collaboration is about participation. It can start with forming a partnership with parents by helping around the house as a way to contribute to the family. It can develop into a skill that grows to negotiating within friendship groups at school. It becomes important as we mature and form alliances at work. It is essential to participate in social and global issues.

Collaboration is not a ‘me’ concept it an ‘us’ idea.

There you have it. If you want to be successful in whatever is your passion or dream, these four human skills are a necessity to master. They will solidify your ability to resolve, adapt and be flexible in your interpersonal relationships. They will teach you how to be a mental risk taker for positive outcomes and challenges. They will push you to think beyond your own value and how you connect, interact and connect to the people around you and the society you are part of. They will teach you the art of interacting, communication and reading people in real life situations. Human skills are a basic necessity, to achieve a successful and happier life.

Research: Life Patterns Ten years following Generation Y by Melbourne Graduate School of Education (2008-2018)

 

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I was at a networking group the other day. I don't often go to these things as I am lucky enough that my network is made up of recommendations and incidental meetings. But it is good to go to these opportunities, you never know who you might meet or what you might learn. For most of the group, it appeared beneficial. Lots of connections and talking and assimilating into like-minded groups. For me, I walked away with meeting a few really interesting (and fun) professionals that I am looking forward to catching up and co-mentoring in the near future. However, as I wandered around this large group of professionals, in an informal setting, I was struck by a few who appeared to have mistaken assertive ways of interacting with aggressive. I have to say how surprised I was at the lack of professional insight many of the group demonstrated. How little skill many had in communicating their needs efficiently and clearly. How many did not know (or chose to ignore), the difference between aggressive and assertive interactions. It is these, admittedly unwitting, people and their aggressive conversation style, that has inspired this month's blog.

 

There is a vast difference between being eager, assertive or aggressive in our communication style. When we are eager we strongly want to do or have something. It makes us appear a little impatient but full of hope and passion.

We express eagerness in our expressions and tone of voice, as we show our listener that we are keenly expectant or really interested, in their topic or company. Sometimes it can become annoying to the person you are talking to if the eagerness develops into pestering or aggressiveness. Be eager, but don't let that passion tip into aggressiveness.

Aggressive, on the other hand, is where we express what we say without thinking about the wellbeing of the person we are engaged in conversation with. It is a harmful style of communicating that can make others feel socially anxious and make their opinion of you diminished. Aggressive is about dismissing the needs of someone else by belittling their confidence.

Sometimes we can get confused between aggressive and assertive styles of conversation. Let's make it clearer. When you are being assertive you are expressing an opinion and showing respect towards your listener and yourself, at the same time. When you are being aggressive, your style of interpersonal skill is to ignore, denigrate, bully or attack your listeners' opinion, particularly if it contradicts your own.

It is very easy to slip into a passive style of talking (don't state your opinion at all) when you are confronted by aggressive people in social settings. They can blindside you and intimidate you. But it's not okay for others to push your opinions down so, they can feel superior.

Here are some ways you can start to practice being less aggressive and more assertive, particularly professionally, but also in your day to day interactions.

1. Active Listening

Let's start with paying attention. If you are actively listening to the speaker then you can begin to understand what they are trying to communicate and reduce inadvertent feelings that you are disengaged. Not being present when listening to someone can make people defensive and then aggressive. Be a participant in the conversation.

2. No is not a bad word!

When did saying no to someone equate with being unhealthily selfish? 'No' is a part of your speech you need to practice. And use! People pleasing will only get you so far in life and pull you away from being authentic. Saying no is like any new skill. You have to practice it! Use a mirror and watch yourself saying no, let your mind hear it, recognise your face as you say it. No need to shout it at your listener, however, keep it calm, sincere and reasonable in the way you speak. I don't mean run around saying no willy-nilly, either. When you feel compromised or uncomfortable or bullied into an opinion, that is when the 'no' is needed. Assertiveness means you say this with an understanding that a person's feelings are at stake. So be respectful and maybe add on the reason why you are saying no. Be strong and clear about the 'why'. Remember the idea behind being assertive is not to win or make others feel bad, it is about developing the strength to stay authentic to who you are and what you believe in.

3. Agree to disagree.

If someone is not agreeing with you, that is their right. They don't have to believe in your opinion. Your role is not to bully them into submission either. Agree to disagree. Validate their choice in the conversation and maintain your own belief. Remember, however just being challenged in your opinion is not always a bad thing. Maybe there is growth in learning something new, different or challenging in what they are saying. Be assertive with your own belief but not at the expensive of offending. Keep reasonable and focused.

4. Tone of voice.

Keep that tone in your speech quiet and low (not a threatening growl here), and calm. Breath out and focus on being relaxed. This will take the edge off your speech and imply you are not provoking conflict. When we are assertive rather than aggressive, we can get our point across using the emphasis on content rather than volume. Speak slowly to stay in control. Be mindful of volume to indicate calmness. Be patient if they are not responding to your words. Try not to hesitate too much, it can show uncertainty and doubt.

5. Use 'I'.

Stay with discussing your opinion and needs rather than telling others their opinion and needs. Try to use statements that express your feelings and beliefs by using 'I'. Examples are starting the conversation with 'I think' or 'I feel'. If you are using terms such as, 'you never' or 'you always', you are being aggressive and implying you know more than the person listening does, about themselves. It will immediately create a defensiveness. Stick with what you know, use "I" to frame what you want to express and keep the direction of the conversation focused on you rather dictating to someone what they are feeling or experiencing.

6. Stay to problem solve.

Most people can feel uncomfortable when they are being assertive, particularly when the listener is not responding. To leave the conversation is passive. It is giving in to the aggression of the person you are expressing your needs to. Unless the conversation has quickly escalated to put you at risk (which means you need to place safety over-assertiveness), try to stay until you get the answer you can be satisfied with. Note, I didn't say the answer you want. Assertiveness is about expressing your authenticity. Not about winning or convincing someone of your point of view. Try to continue the conversation in a calm and respectful way until you believe they have heard you clearly. You can ask them to clarify if they have heard you correctly, ask more questions, listen to their answers openly or move the conversation towards options for resolution. The focus is no-one should walk away feeling upset or hurt by the interaction.

7. Avoid guilt trips.

Assertiveness is not about making someone feel bad or guilty about being with you. It is about your need to be authentic, honest, respectful to yourself and to them. Avoid accusations, implying they are wrong or hurtful and keep focused on expressing your opinion being articulate, kind and clear. The interaction you are having must be meaningful and worthwhile. It is about building your authenticity and integrity and leaving your listener with theirs.

8. Practise assertiveness.

Practice. Practice. Can't say it enough. No new skill is learnt on the first try. The brain is a muscle and needs to be worked in order to have an optimum outcome. Use a mirror, friends and family to build your confidence and skills in being assertive. Think of it as part of your toolkit for life. The more assertive you are able to be, the more authentic in this world you will become.

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There is nothing like being valued for a job well done. Most of us relish a bit of ego boosting when we perform at our best. Whether that is sports, relationships or at work, it feels good to be recognized for your efforts. The funny thing is that in our working lives, out performing our colleagues can often bring with it dilemmas that are not really talked about.

This concept was brought home to me this week while talking to a client who was excellent at their job. They were exceptional in their performance and because of this were offered a leadership position. The thing was, they never wanted it. They were very happy and fulfilled in the role they were doing. But, like most of us, a promotion and the prospect of a higher wage, tempts our self-esteem and our bank balance. Yet, a few years in and my client was miserable, under performing and feeling less confident than they ever had felt in their life. They didn't want the promotion but felt conflicted to say no.

We are expected to have ambition in this materialistically driven world we created. It is nearly discreditable to suggest that achieving in every endeavor might not be your own particular dream. Ambition is a highly valued cultural characteristic. It means we have drive, are not lazy, want more and have the ability to learn, grow and develop. When we are ambitious we are seen to add worth to our lives and by our actions the greater good.

However, ambition needs to be relative to our personal needs and motivators. Caring for children by staying home is ambition. Volunteering for charities is ambition. Working hard and enjoying your job, without desiring promotion is also, still ambition.

What is ambition, if it doesn't mean climbing that ladder of success?

Ambition by definition is, 'a strong desire to do or achieve something.' It includes our aspirations, intentions, vocations, dreams, hopes, wishes, purpose and mission in our lives. It also includes determination, eagerness, motivation and enthusiasm. Ambition means a lot of different things to each of us, it is not the same for all.

All of these actions that describe ambition, can be gained by just doing your job well and taking pleasure from what you do. Ambition isn't only about moving up a position, a bigger pay packet, more people to manage and the status accrued as your job title becomes more superior. It is what you want it to be.

Promotions are a recognition of your ability to do well, to manage stress, demonstrate responsibility and endurance. But before you take that promotion, make sure it is truly what you want, and that the benefits will outweigh the demands all promotions bring.

1. Will the position be advancing you in the direction you want your career to go?

Take a moment to consider your long-term career goals. Is the promotion you are being offered a step in the right direction, could it keep other opportunities from coming your way or is part of your life track?

2. How will you balance your personal and professional lives in the position?

A promotion means more commitment and time in the job. Try to outline your priorities in your professional and personal life and consider any roadblocks the new position could present for you, and your commitments to your friends and family.

3. Will you thrive in the new position or be crippled by fear or anxiety?

This is important. Make sure you have the skills and emotional fortitude to do the job on offer. If you're simply not qualified to do the job, and you're more worried about failing than excited about growing, that's going to be a problem. You may need to ask for additional training and support before you accept the promotion.

4. Will you be happy to wake up and go to work each day?

We all work better if we are inspired or passionate about what we do. If the promotion involves managing problematic staff or a product you don't believe in, will the sleepless night be worth it?

5. Will your relationships with colleagues and coworkers be affected?

When colleagues become under your supervision, have to report to you those old working relationships and even friendships can become problematic. Ask yourself if you're comfortable with changing relationships as a result of the promotion. How will you cope with overt or covert resentment when you have to do your job and that may affect those colleagues. Are they really okay with the change in position? Will they work for you or against you in the long term?

6. Are you well suited for the role?

It happens all of the time. The most common failed transition in promotions is where a business moves someone from a task-oriented position into a management role. Think how well suited you are for the role, especially if you are being asked to move into a leadership role. Not all of us are good managers and naturally efficient at managing people. It turns out that some of us are better suited to producing things as opposed to managing other people.

7. You don't want to manage people.

Oftentimes a promotion comes with new responsibilities, specifically managing a group of junior employees. But not everyone is cut out for or enjoys directing and instructing people to do things at work. That's fine. We often don't realise the mental and emotional energy and skill required to shift from being an employee to a team manager or supervisor. Becoming responsible not only for yourself, but for a group of people can be a daunting task to ask of anybody. Often, businesses think because you're a great individual contributor, you're going to be a great manager. But that doesn't always work and often these type of promotions fail because nobody really sat down and went through the new responsibilities, on all levels.

8. There's no pay increase.

This seems like a no-brainer, but it's not uncommon for employers to offer a new title and new responsibilities without the pay raise. I have heard this so many times. We can be lured by a title believing that it will lead to more status or financial gain. This is fine if the new position provides a mental challenge you are seeking, and you don't mind no extra monetary rewards. Experience tells me that sooner or later this type of agreement leads to feeling taken for granted, regret and lower productivity. And think a little towards the future, if another company tries to lure you away and they ask your current salary, you may be at disadvantage. If you are doing the current job for a low rate why would they offer you more? For under numerated promotions don't get dazzled by the excitement of the short-term offer, consider the long-term ripple effect it can have on your career.

9. You love your current job.

If your role is fulfilling and you're comfortable there, you don't have to leave it behind. Happiness cannot be bought. However, be mindful, that remaining at your current level comes with the inevitable pay ceiling. Salary increases are often given with more responsibility. Everything is a compromise.

10. What would be the top goals you need to accomplish?

A new role comes with more than a title and an office. It will be attached to new responsibilities and goals. If you are taking the promotion be sure to ask your boss which top two or three goals they would like you to tackle first. Your new position will come with accountability and increased expectations of your delivery on tasks. Make sure you are confident you can deliver.

It is kind of a general assumption that everyone wants to be promoted. But that simply isn't the truth. Success is a self-determined concept and it is measured by our own perception of what is meaningful to us and what is valuable to our lives. Success is not always measured by climbing the corporate ladder and being given a promotion. Sometimes just taking pleasure in your own ability to do your best is enough.

 

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Finding the right person in love can be exhilarating or exhausting. As time marches on, sometimes our goal is less on the right person and more on any person. When we are focused on avoiding loneliness over finding compatibility we can make mistakes. Mistakes in love are our learning life lessons. We fall madly in love during adolescence (that wonderful, addictive all or nothing passion and crush feeling), we attempt adult love, ( trying monogamy, long term relationships, living together, marriage) and through the breakdowns and break ups we should start to find out what we really need and are looking for in love. Most of us have had that one love that is hard to forget, even if they were so wrong for us and that opposite love that made us feel invincible. Wherever you are in your love journey, finding the balance, passion, respect and commitment can be elusive. When we can't seem to find that right person, we are vulnerable to dropping our values and settling for less than we deserve. I'm not saying we should have unrealistic standards (ridiculous lists of never ending 'must haves,' that no-one could possibly meet), but having some idea of what makes you a better person in love, is a good starting point to find someone who adds to your life.

 

Before we have a quick look at what we should be searching for, to find a healthy, happy love in life, let's review the types of people that can bring you the opposite to what you need.

5 unhealthy types that you might like to avoid.

The Opportunist

This is a person who likes to be in a relationship with you or will profess they love you because you have assets like a car, your own apartment or home, lots of money, fame or social connections. They may be interested in being with you to get close to your family, friends or social network. This type of person is easy to spot. They are often bored and restless in your company and light up when they are around others. They are quick to start asking favours but rarely offer you the same courtesy. They make themselves at home with your lifestyle too quickly, (basically move in without being asked). They disrespect you and your belongings. You may notice borrowing becomes an issue. They borrow money and never pay you back. Borrow your clothes, property, and never give it back. Or, they return it damaged. They may even let other people use/wear your belongings, without asking you first. When you ask them to contribute, turn down an evening with the people they admire, don't give them access to your lifestyle and stop lending them your things, they become angry and offended. They may call you selfish and unreasonable. They may use the 'you don't love me' card. Whatever it is, someone with these kind of behaviours is probably with you for what they get rather than how they can add to your life.

The Controller

This person starts of being amazing. They are always texting and calling, want to be with you all the time. In fact, it feels like they are too good to be true. That's because they are. The wonderful attention turns very quickly into controlling behaviour. When you don't answer the text immediately or delay returning a call those sweet little communications became obsessive messages increasingly becoming rude, aggressive and angry. When you want to spend time with friends and family, they create a drama or fight, spoiling your time away from them or making you feel so guilty you don't go. When you cancel time with them because work or other commitments arise, they move into a punishing behaviour, like not returning your text or calls, or becoming irrationally moody and emotionally abusive. These people are highly jealous and suspicious of any absence from them. They start to advice you on how you should look, who should be your friends and what to spend your money on. The Controller is not too far away from The Abuser. This type of person wants to control their partner in order to feel powerful, not because they want to add to your life.

The Liar

No matter what the evidence, this person has a great excuse for what they have done. They lie by omission. They lie straight up. They have unbelievable explanations to things you discover that they expect you to believe. They are secretive about who they are with, where they are and are often not with and where they told you anyway. They hide their phone. You might feel paranoid, insane and start acting like a possessive mad person trying to catch them out in their lie. They will accuse you of being paranoid, insane and possessive when you catch them out. Even when you know 1+1 does not equal 2 with their stories, they are so convincing you doubt your own rational judgement. They are still on tinder because it was an old account. That boy/girl texting at midnight is just a friend. They got home at 5 in the morning because they couldn't get an Uber. Your friends are lying when they tell you they were seen with someone else. They lie about small things and big things. The truth for them is a flexible option they use as long as it doesn't interfere with what they want to do and with whom. The relationship is cluttered with constant lies to deflect, distract and confuse you. This person is more focused on playing games and the thrill of getting away with their behaviour than adding to your life.

The Baby

This person never wants to grow up. They shun responsibility. The struggle to hold down a job. Hold everyone else responsible for their issues and failures. They have struggled to save money, manage their life, pay off debts and stick with things when times get tough. They want you to care for them, look after them and be a provider for them. If you don't organise everything, nothing gets done. They rarely think about what you need. From leaving their stuff everywhere for you to clean up, to never offering to pay for meals or a night out, these people treat you more like an ever-forgiving parent than a partner. When you ask them to take some responsibility (plan a night out, pick up the laundry, walk the dog) they forget, can't do it or become passive-aggressive and start a sulky argument so you end up doing it yourself because it is just damn well easier. They are prone to little tantrums, don't listen to your advice on how to get their life together and expect you to solve and fix all the issues they constantly find themselves in. This person wants to be babied because they are too lazy and irresponsible to take on adulthood rather than add to your life.

The Abuser

Abusive people never start off showing their true colours, those dark shades slowly appear as the person becomes more and more comfortable that you are falling in love with them. They turn from charming to abusive, bit by bit, waiting until you are very emotionally invested before the attacks begin. The abuse can be emotionally (mocking your feelings, negating how you feel, making fun of you, withdrawing attention, turning their affection on and off depending if you have behaved in the way they want, not inviting you to events), psychological (name calling, bullying, insulting, threatening, isolating you, swearing at you, making you feel irrational, paranoid, mentally unstable, afraid), physical (attacking, hitting, punching, throwing things at you, punching or destroying objects around you, physically challenging and intimidating you, restraining you) and sexually (forcing you to commit sexual acts against your will, coercing you into sexual acts, participating or viewing sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or against your will). These people are dangerous and extremely uhealthy to become involved with, in any type of relationship. They are orientated towards sadistic power and are threatened by any demonstration of healthy autonomy, independence and emotional maturity. Abusive people use you to make themselves feel powerful and sate a need to cause pain rather than add to your life.

So, now we know the types of people to avoid when looking for your ideal partner, here are some characteristics and behaviours to look for, and like most positive and rewarding things in life, it is a pretty simple list

The Right One

A person that can add value (happiness, growth, safety and security) means;

  • They treat you with equality and share responsibility (financial, workload, organising, planning etc)

  • They demonstrate honesty, (say what they mean, and do as they say, are not secretive and have an open communication with you).

  • They ensure you feel physically, sexually, psychologically and emotionally safe, (show respect, fairness, own their emotions, apologise and admit when they are wrong, seek help when they are not coping).

  • They demonstrate respect for who you are, what is important to you and your beliefs and opinions, (show an interest in your life before you met and take steps to understanding your point of view and share and support what is important to you).

  • They encourage you to have your own interests, independence and friendships, ( fit in with your friends, enjoy their company, connect with your family and want you to spend time with them, and encourage you to do the same with their family and friends).

  • They can laugh at the silly mistakes and issues in life to ease the seriousness when needed. They can laugh at themselves and enjoy humour, (know when to smile, how to make you see what is important and what isn't, and be prepared to see humour in their own behaviour).

Most of all, choose people who help you grow into a better person. It might mean you have to try a few times, before you find what you are looking for, but it will be worth it!

Trying to be authentic is often more difficult than we think. It can be a battle for self-acceptance these days. Just jump on Instagram or Snap chat and you are bombarded by images of what you should be like, live like and feel like. It can get rough out there trying to define a sense of self. To cope, we can try to adapt. Change how we look, based on our idols or popular trends. Follow a band or song, even though we don't really like it, but because the person we like does. Wear fashion labels, not because we love the look, but because others do. These types of actions are common. And we all have done it to a degree. I know I have (still not sure those dreadlocks in the late 80's did really make me look like Boy George, but I gave it a good hot go).

Look, it's fine to stretch your boundaries and experiment with superficially different versions of who you are (technically called adolescents by the way). We have all succumbed to peer pressure at some point. Not just how we look or with our style, but part of moving into adulthood is to test what we really believe in (that old moral fiber). Peer groups are brilliant at forcing us to realise what we stand for, often in the wrong ways. Having said that if you are an adult now, it's probably time to consolidate a sense of who you are. It's not healthy if you continue to keep moving your values, ethics, opinions and beliefs depending on who you are hanging out, working with, dating or wanting to date with. You might get lost and forget who you were in the beginning. It's like trying on so many new outfits you can't remember which one fit you the best anymore.

Being a chameleon is a side effect of this behaviour. It is a behaviour describing how we can get caught up in changing our colours depending on who you are with and what you believe they want from you. Don't get me wrong here, chameleons can be beautiful. The adaptation to change in order to blend in with their surrounds is a survival strategy, an evolutionary gift to trick predators into not noticing them. As humans, this can be a driving force too. If this was the case, ask yourself do you still need to be a chameleon. Is whatever you were hiding from even relevant anymore? Has the need to blend in passed and become a habit?

To have a true sense of identity and authenticity you need to know who you are and face the world in that skin.

Why not just do you?

Why not invest in yourself and let others be who they need to be. Maintaining a false or in authentically created self-image is hard to maintain over time. Yes, that version of self you are dissing, will rear up and make their presence known. It is only a matter of time. Even actors drop out of character, so don't think you won't too. And probably at the worst moment. That's when people around you look at you oddly, don't understand where the other version went and start to pull away. It is why some relationships break down and you look at the person you love as if you never knew them.

Not knowing who you are is a deal breaker if you want success and happiness. So how about you do you, I'll do me and let them do them?

Here's how to start.

Be the Opposite to Approval -Seeking.

Move your line of sight away from what everyone else thinks of you and narrow it down to what you think of yourself. (If your self esteem gets in the way here, have a read of my article 5 Tips to Transform Self Fear into Self-Esteem). You are never going to please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. (Say that a few times to get the message and accept it). Your best bet to reach success and happiness, is to become approval aware (be aware of what others think of you but don't let those opinions determine how you feel about yourself.) Approval seeking is focused on your intention to win approval and respect from other people. What is amazing is we are drawn towards, admire and respect the opposite of approval seeking. We prefer people who are authentic to themselves than others who try to be something they are not.

Have an opinion.

It is an important part of being unashamedly you to have an opinion. Better yet, know why you have that opinion. If it is just because someone you know thinks that way, or a famous personality has a point of view you are attaching to, because they are famous, then you're in for some rocky roads ahead. How will you defend your position if you don't know why you took it in the first place? An opinion is an idea that defines part of who you are. Of course, just be wise how you voice an opinion (unsure? Read my 12 Tips to Courageous Communication). It should be about letting people know what you stand for, not creating conflict or making someone feel uncomfortable. Having an open-mind and being able to learn from differing opinions is a strength. Don't confuse this with being a pushover or sticking to your guns for the sake of being stubborn. Understand why your opinions are important to you and be able to adapt, if it feels right. It is healthy to change your mind if it is authentic to who you really are, not just to give in or to appease others.

Be different or don't be different.

You do you, is not to be misinterpreted as if you have to stand out in the crowd or draw attention to the fact you are different. Just focus on being you and let others do their thing. Stop trying so hard to be something and relax in the knowledge you already are a something. You. Your angle to this is you are unique. There is no one like you, so why try to copy something already out there. Define your uniqueness and celebrate your difference, whatever that looks or feels like. Your difference may be the way you look, your style, your disability, your intellect, your emotional potential, your ability to love, your drive, your success and your failures. It may be obvious or invisible. The point is it is unique to you.

Watch out for the Biatch.

How do 'you do you', if people around you are always negative about who you are, what you do and how you look. Answer? Get some new friends. It is too hard to build an anchor for your identity if it is constantly being challenged in a negative way. Start listening to the commentary around you. Do your friends celebrate who you are or are they very quick to point out what is wrong with you, how you should change, what way you would look better? Are you liked because you have a point of difference that makes you unique? We are drawn like moths to the flame by confidence and yet we can fear it in people around us because it makes some of us feel inadequate. Don't do things because others are encouraging you (often for their own entertainment or fear you may become confident), especially if it is against your values and morals. Walk away. Stand proud and defiant. Don't give in if it makes you cross a line from being true to yourself to a fake. Don't agree or be submissive if someone is rude, offensive or a biatch to you, in order to make you feel insignificant and they feel superior. If your friends have too much biatchitude, time to move on and find people who will celebrate you and be happy who they are too.

Let's grow out of being the chameleon. The way of existing that took hold in adolescence so we could gain acceptance, fit in and deliver the kind of image we think others would like. Stop watering down your identity. Who wants to fade from being unique and become another nobody tossed off the production line of sameness? Don't be a product, you do you.